I am a total moron. And I am ok with that. I was so proud of myself for applying online to a bunch of monster job listings. My resume states that I am detail oriented. Oh Really? Cause I apparently selected a resume from 2004, and not the current one. Yeah, the one that still says I am in Indiana. And does not mention my HR/payroll experience at all. Brilliant.
And this is on top of possibly faxing more than one cover sheet but not the resume.
Some days, I wonder how I made it this far!
Oh well. There are other jobs, and I have deleted the old resume, so I am moving onward.
I spoke to GEM last night. We always end up having these marathon 2 hour chats. Some poor bastard had applied at his job. The application there asks something like list a way that you wish you could improve. The poor bastard in question had listed that s/he wished s/he wasn't always tardy and didn't miss so much work.
OK folks, there is being honest on an application and then there is just shooting yourself in the foot. Repeatedly. Why not just list that you wish you could cut down on your petty thievery of office supplies and coffee filters?
I had my second interview for the position I am not sure I really want. We shall see how it goes. I am all excited to actually get a job though in some ways. I miss wearing office clothes, and this morning I was all dressed up and looked pretty fine if I do say so myself. Why can't I find a job as some "consultant" in a firm owned by my older and wealthy man of the hour and do nothing more than look pretty, play online games, and read blogs? Do those jobs still exist?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Good News!
After being told that I would hear back from the company "in a couple of days", which is closer to two weeks, I have been asked to come in for a second interview with the manufactured building company.
Still not thinking that I really want this job, but I really really really need a FT job, so I will take it if offered. Maybe it will be better than I imagine. Which, given that I am such a pessimist, seems likely.
Heres the thing that makes me think negatively about this job. When I was first called after sending in a resume, this woman, "G" called me to set up the interview. I asked who I should ask for when I arrived. She said her name was "G", but if I couldn't remember, just tell the receptionist I was here for the 2:15. OK, sweetie. I am an adult with 12 years of professional experience as well as some college education. I think I can remember a name, in fact I tend to write out interview information, I just wanted to know who I would be meeting with.
At the actual interview, I was sent in with "G" and another person "D". They introduced themselves and then condescendingly asked me if I knew the name of the job I was applying for. Straight the hell out of Sesame Street. I was so tempted to Southern Drawl it up and tell them that I was tryin to get myself hired here for the fry job at t'Burger King, but seein as how there ain't no pickles or mayo lyin around, maybes I'm in the wrong place and could these two ladies kindly he'p me out?
Luckily, I only had to talk to them for five minutes, then I was sent to meet with the man who would be my manager, who I liked, and who did not speak to me like I was five.
I have a major coupon dealio that expires tomorrow, so I am going to blow $200 for work clothes which will then give me $200 off a matching $200 future purchase. It has been a really long time since I bought a lot of clothes so I am way excited. More excited about the clothes than the job prospect.
Still not thinking that I really want this job, but I really really really need a FT job, so I will take it if offered. Maybe it will be better than I imagine. Which, given that I am such a pessimist, seems likely.
Heres the thing that makes me think negatively about this job. When I was first called after sending in a resume, this woman, "G" called me to set up the interview. I asked who I should ask for when I arrived. She said her name was "G", but if I couldn't remember, just tell the receptionist I was here for the 2:15. OK, sweetie. I am an adult with 12 years of professional experience as well as some college education. I think I can remember a name, in fact I tend to write out interview information, I just wanted to know who I would be meeting with.
At the actual interview, I was sent in with "G" and another person "D". They introduced themselves and then condescendingly asked me if I knew the name of the job I was applying for. Straight the hell out of Sesame Street. I was so tempted to Southern Drawl it up and tell them that I was tryin to get myself hired here for the fry job at t'Burger King, but seein as how there ain't no pickles or mayo lyin around, maybes I'm in the wrong place and could these two ladies kindly he'p me out?
Luckily, I only had to talk to them for five minutes, then I was sent to meet with the man who would be my manager, who I liked, and who did not speak to me like I was five.
I have a major coupon dealio that expires tomorrow, so I am going to blow $200 for work clothes which will then give me $200 off a matching $200 future purchase. It has been a really long time since I bought a lot of clothes so I am way excited. More excited about the clothes than the job prospect.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Meaner than a snake
Today I just feel mean.
Perhaps it is that I did not get enough sleep the last couple of days.
A smidge of the grumpiness may be blamed on PMS.
Some of it is due to the fact that half of the jobs in the paper turn out to be scammy - wanting me to sign up with their service, or pay a fee for the info.
But I have a nasty suspicion that this is depression irritability, and I don't want to go into all of that right now.
I am going to go to bed soon, forfeiting the new book club meeting, and gearing up to go to the bank tomorrow to see why I am still being charged fees for last weeks fuck up with my compromised debit card.
I really don't want to miss the book club start up meeting. On the one hand, getting out and meeting people is somethign that would probably be very good for me. On the other, I could end up alienating everyone and being bitter. And I have my old age reserved for that.
The way I see it, in another 10 years or so, I will be referred to as "Mean Ole Lady J____". Neighbor children will be afraid to retrieve frisbees or balls thrown in my yard. When a toy is launched over my inevitably high fence, the other children will pull back the toys owner and admonish him that they have a cousin, who knew this kid whose brother went in my yard once, and was never seen again, and ominously tell him that I didn't buy cat food for like 6 weeks after that kid disappeared...
I am not sure if I really need meds right now, so much as I need therapy, and possibly a life coach or six, but meds may come into play too. I hate starting over with new docs to begin with, especially given my long and varied prescription med history. I have been looking around for drug info though, and the one that I think may help is Adderall, which ok, is technically a little bit of an amphetamine.
I don't want to appear to be drug seeking, but the SSRI's didn't work, Cymbalta didn't help, Effexor was a horrific nightmare, and I just don't seem to get any better. I need to find a doc with a lot of experience with psychotropic medication (professional, that is, not personal or recreational, thanks). I wish you could interview docs for the position. If you make an appt, and don't like the doc, or don't think that it is going to be a good fit, you still have to pay, and since I don't have insurance, that is prohibitively expensive.
Long story short, I am grumpy and tired, and going to be for at least 12 hours in the hope that tomorrow will be better, and I will return to my normal sunshiny disposition.
Perhaps it is that I did not get enough sleep the last couple of days.
A smidge of the grumpiness may be blamed on PMS.
Some of it is due to the fact that half of the jobs in the paper turn out to be scammy - wanting me to sign up with their service, or pay a fee for the info.
But I have a nasty suspicion that this is depression irritability, and I don't want to go into all of that right now.
I am going to go to bed soon, forfeiting the new book club meeting, and gearing up to go to the bank tomorrow to see why I am still being charged fees for last weeks fuck up with my compromised debit card.
I really don't want to miss the book club start up meeting. On the one hand, getting out and meeting people is somethign that would probably be very good for me. On the other, I could end up alienating everyone and being bitter. And I have my old age reserved for that.
The way I see it, in another 10 years or so, I will be referred to as "Mean Ole Lady J____". Neighbor children will be afraid to retrieve frisbees or balls thrown in my yard. When a toy is launched over my inevitably high fence, the other children will pull back the toys owner and admonish him that they have a cousin, who knew this kid whose brother went in my yard once, and was never seen again, and ominously tell him that I didn't buy cat food for like 6 weeks after that kid disappeared...
I am not sure if I really need meds right now, so much as I need therapy, and possibly a life coach or six, but meds may come into play too. I hate starting over with new docs to begin with, especially given my long and varied prescription med history. I have been looking around for drug info though, and the one that I think may help is Adderall, which ok, is technically a little bit of an amphetamine.
I don't want to appear to be drug seeking, but the SSRI's didn't work, Cymbalta didn't help, Effexor was a horrific nightmare, and I just don't seem to get any better. I need to find a doc with a lot of experience with psychotropic medication (professional, that is, not personal or recreational, thanks). I wish you could interview docs for the position. If you make an appt, and don't like the doc, or don't think that it is going to be a good fit, you still have to pay, and since I don't have insurance, that is prohibitively expensive.
Long story short, I am grumpy and tired, and going to be for at least 12 hours in the hope that tomorrow will be better, and I will return to my normal sunshiny disposition.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Another good thing
My friend GEM had sent this to me. The Flippin church is near Tomkinsville Kentucky for all those wishing to attend.
2 good things
Two good things happened today. Not big ones like winning the lottery, but good nonetheless.
1. My order from Moonbeam Catnip Co. arrived. All three cats are stoned out of their little heads, and alternating between flying around the house and snoozing hardcore. Life is good for the four legged members of the house. Also, this is a great little company, and I prefer to do business with independant type places rather than buy from the giants.
The nip available at PetSmart is ok, but this stuff is way stronger. The funky nip smell emanating from the package had noses twitching and whiskers pooching forward in anticipation. And when I actually opened it, their was singing and dancing and general adoration. For the nip mind you, not me. They are still haughty cats and gratitude is generally an unfamiliar concept.
2. I scored 2 pants, 2 skirts and one shirt for 10 bucks off of Craigslist. Oh Craigslist how I adore you. In between all the GI's posting for NSA encounters and people offering "rod iron tables for sell" there are some good deals to be had.
1. My order from Moonbeam Catnip Co. arrived. All three cats are stoned out of their little heads, and alternating between flying around the house and snoozing hardcore. Life is good for the four legged members of the house. Also, this is a great little company, and I prefer to do business with independant type places rather than buy from the giants.
The nip available at PetSmart is ok, but this stuff is way stronger. The funky nip smell emanating from the package had noses twitching and whiskers pooching forward in anticipation. And when I actually opened it, their was singing and dancing and general adoration. For the nip mind you, not me. They are still haughty cats and gratitude is generally an unfamiliar concept.
2. I scored 2 pants, 2 skirts and one shirt for 10 bucks off of Craigslist. Oh Craigslist how I adore you. In between all the GI's posting for NSA encounters and people offering "rod iron tables for sell" there are some good deals to be had.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Fuck me
No not literally, y'all.
I had a recheck appt. at the vet today, so I called the bank to see if I should swipe the card, or write a check. Bank number informs me, in that lovely computerized voice, that I am negative $91.23.
That was not right. So I went through the menu to see what checks or whatever had posted. There were 3 separate withdrawals for $100 each. Finally got through to a customer service guy at the bank, and all he said he could do for me was to give me the toll free number to reach the company that took the funds. That would be CCBILLS.COM
I would strongly suggest that you never do business with them. Turns out, some asshat had used my account info to play 300 bucks worth of online Texas Hold 'em. And the CSR I spoke with gave me a cancellation confirmation number.
So I called the bank back. Bank says they can't accept the digits, they need something on CCBILLs letterhead faxed to them.
So I call CCBILLS. According to their "supervisor" Antonio, they only have an incoming fax machine, and couldn't possibly assist me. WTF? In the whole company there is nopt a single fax machine that can be dialed out on? Hell naw. This says scam to me.
Back to the bank. Guy at the bank says I should close out my card, and go to the bank for help, that they will give me a temporary debit card, and send a new one. So I did.
Went to the bank. Luckily, my favorite banker chick Cindy was there, who helped me. The charges can't be dropped right away because I closed my card ON THE ADVICE OF THE BANKS CSR! Also? They do not issue temp. debit cards anymore, but a new one will be mailed to me in 5-10 days. Right hand of bank does not know what left hand is up to.
Right now, my identity is not worth stealing, although I might consider a trade....
Very happy that Cindy was there to help me, and I am going to send a letter to the head honcho of the bank and let them know how helpful she was.
Apparently I did not get the job at the manufactured housing company. I knwo its just a job, and really only the first one I have interviewed for, but I feel like a failure and all because I didn't get it.
I had a recheck appt. at the vet today, so I called the bank to see if I should swipe the card, or write a check. Bank number informs me, in that lovely computerized voice, that I am negative $91.23.
That was not right. So I went through the menu to see what checks or whatever had posted. There were 3 separate withdrawals for $100 each. Finally got through to a customer service guy at the bank, and all he said he could do for me was to give me the toll free number to reach the company that took the funds. That would be CCBILLS.COM
I would strongly suggest that you never do business with them. Turns out, some asshat had used my account info to play 300 bucks worth of online Texas Hold 'em. And the CSR I spoke with gave me a cancellation confirmation number.
So I called the bank back. Bank says they can't accept the digits, they need something on CCBILLs letterhead faxed to them.
So I call CCBILLS. According to their "supervisor" Antonio, they only have an incoming fax machine, and couldn't possibly assist me. WTF? In the whole company there is nopt a single fax machine that can be dialed out on? Hell naw. This says scam to me.
Back to the bank. Guy at the bank says I should close out my card, and go to the bank for help, that they will give me a temporary debit card, and send a new one. So I did.
Went to the bank. Luckily, my favorite banker chick Cindy was there, who helped me. The charges can't be dropped right away because I closed my card ON THE ADVICE OF THE BANKS CSR! Also? They do not issue temp. debit cards anymore, but a new one will be mailed to me in 5-10 days. Right hand of bank does not know what left hand is up to.
Right now, my identity is not worth stealing, although I might consider a trade....
Very happy that Cindy was there to help me, and I am going to send a letter to the head honcho of the bank and let them know how helpful she was.
Apparently I did not get the job at the manufactured housing company. I knwo its just a job, and really only the first one I have interviewed for, but I feel like a failure and all because I didn't get it.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Glad its over
So last night I went out to dinner with the boss and some coworkers. Can I be completely honest and say that next time there are thanks to be made, could I just have cash instead?
The 2 woworkers I do not like showed up. The loud dumb one came too, but I am surprisingly touched by her. I think she is just as, if not lonlier than I am, and she has no social skills whatsoever. And she is aware of the dearth of social skills, which is sad. More on that later in another post.
One of the ones I like came, and the boss.
Drinks were downed, but not by me - alcohol plus my sleep meds are a bad combination, yo.
Coworker #1 that I do not like slurped down a large bowl of pasta, and more bread than even I, an accomplished binger, would consider eating.
Coworker #2 that I do not like spent over 10 minutes begging everyone else to help her make the decision between steak and chicken for her. For fucks sake chicky, you are at least 30 years old and have 2 children. Grow the hell up and make a choice. It was chicken or steak, not a debate on ethics. Is it just me or are people like this just looking for attention?
I asked for a salad, telling the waiter dude no eggs, cheese or meat. What I got was a plate of wet iceberg lettuce, a couple of grape tomatoes, croutons, and some red onion.
Let me make it clear that I understand The Outback is a steakhouse. But really, y'all, iceberg, tomatoes and onion? And I didn't eat the croutons because they seemed to be re-assigned garlic bread, possibly made with butter and or cheese.
That was a pretty poor excuse for a salad. Not only because it just was, but for other reasons:
1. The is a spinach Cobb salad on the menu. So I know you have some spinach in the kitchen.
2. I ordered some sort of spritzer drink that came with lime, orange, and CUCUMBERS! So I know you have those too!
3. The regular salad includes shredded carrots. So maybe they came pre-shredded in the salad mix, but because I am irritated, I am going to go ahead and count carrots as another tasty ingredient that could have made its way into my salad.
4. And ok, so the gimmick is it's supposed to be an Australian* steakhouse. I don't care. Get some freaking Italian dressing. Your mustard vinaigrette was blah.
5. There is a side dish offered of steamed veggies, including peas, squash, broccoli, and maybe cauliflower?? So again, maybe these come frozen, pre mixed together, but I am not sure about that either, so I will consider them to be lost salad items too. Not that I wanted raw squash. And I don't eat peas in the pod. But still, more effort could have been made.
*Australian, really? Cause chicken fried steak is on the menu, and I thought that was a traditional southern AMERICAN dish.
The vegan things sort of sucks. I have not been 100% vegan for more than 24 hours yet. I have cheated with pasta, because rice pasta is just not the same, and soem cheesey Pirates Booty, and other things. But I really am trying to be better to my body.
I am so picky about food, and it is hard to stay on the straight and oh so narrow, but I think I do much better without dairy, and meat was never a big thing for me. I need to leran to try more food. Like fruit. I like mine fresh out of the can. But only peaches, pineapple and pears. I only get what is in fruit juice though, not the fructose syrup, but I know fresh is better than canned. Sometimes I buy fresh pineapple. I am not sure if I have ever actually eaten a fresh pear before.
Back to the dinner....(my train of thought jumps more tracks than AMTRAK)I was surprised by how well things went. No one ordered appetizers, and there wasn't any lingering after the meal which made it better. I still do not want to hang out in public with these people on a regular basis, but it wasn't as bad as I feared. Although I am not comfortable with people like this, I tend to get almost semi-manic and bubbly. But that really exhausts me. And the coworkers were not good conversationalists. I was surprised by how little the boss spoke. I don't know her very well, and I had hoped to learn a little more, but she is not a chatty cathy.
I missed my book club meeting last night - partially because the group leader didn't send the usual email reminder, and also because I went to this dinner. But that's just as well since I am only haLFway through the book I was supposed to read, and it is just not that interesting yet. I will most likely slog through it though, since I paid for it.
And speaking of paying for it, I am going to be so wiped tomorrow. I worke up before 10a, and haven't been able to get a nap. Napping is hard because I am unable to sleep without meds, and when I take the meds, I need at least 6 hours. I hope tonight is very slow at work, so I can snooze or veg out to the TV.
Job interview was ok. I may be offered the job, and if I am, I will most likely take it. I do not want it, but I am desparate for something full time with higher pay. IF, and these are a lot of ifs, I do take it, the challenge will be to keep looking for something better. This job is basically a glorified receptionist, and I am so over that in terms of education, experience, and skills. But I need a job, and I need to find a place to live, so I will take what I can get. I just have to keep reaching for more.
The job in question is basically M-F 8-5, but may require some hald day Saturdays. Because I need money, I am hoping to keep the current job, and work Friday and Saturday nights, possibly picking up a few hours during the week. I will post about money later, but I am monetarily manic depressive. I try and hoard it all, but then will spend wildly when I am depressed or bored. Buying new shoes on Amazon is slightly better for me than eating because I am bored, but it is a slim margin. I need my own personal 24 hour team of shrinks to sort through all of this!
The 2 woworkers I do not like showed up. The loud dumb one came too, but I am surprisingly touched by her. I think she is just as, if not lonlier than I am, and she has no social skills whatsoever. And she is aware of the dearth of social skills, which is sad. More on that later in another post.
One of the ones I like came, and the boss.
Drinks were downed, but not by me - alcohol plus my sleep meds are a bad combination, yo.
Coworker #1 that I do not like slurped down a large bowl of pasta, and more bread than even I, an accomplished binger, would consider eating.
Coworker #2 that I do not like spent over 10 minutes begging everyone else to help her make the decision between steak and chicken for her. For fucks sake chicky, you are at least 30 years old and have 2 children. Grow the hell up and make a choice. It was chicken or steak, not a debate on ethics. Is it just me or are people like this just looking for attention?
I asked for a salad, telling the waiter dude no eggs, cheese or meat. What I got was a plate of wet iceberg lettuce, a couple of grape tomatoes, croutons, and some red onion.
Let me make it clear that I understand The Outback is a steakhouse. But really, y'all, iceberg, tomatoes and onion? And I didn't eat the croutons because they seemed to be re-assigned garlic bread, possibly made with butter and or cheese.
That was a pretty poor excuse for a salad. Not only because it just was, but for other reasons:
1. The is a spinach Cobb salad on the menu. So I know you have some spinach in the kitchen.
2. I ordered some sort of spritzer drink that came with lime, orange, and CUCUMBERS! So I know you have those too!
3. The regular salad includes shredded carrots. So maybe they came pre-shredded in the salad mix, but because I am irritated, I am going to go ahead and count carrots as another tasty ingredient that could have made its way into my salad.
4. And ok, so the gimmick is it's supposed to be an Australian* steakhouse. I don't care. Get some freaking Italian dressing. Your mustard vinaigrette was blah.
5. There is a side dish offered of steamed veggies, including peas, squash, broccoli, and maybe cauliflower?? So again, maybe these come frozen, pre mixed together, but I am not sure about that either, so I will consider them to be lost salad items too. Not that I wanted raw squash. And I don't eat peas in the pod. But still, more effort could have been made.
*Australian, really? Cause chicken fried steak is on the menu, and I thought that was a traditional southern AMERICAN dish.
The vegan things sort of sucks. I have not been 100% vegan for more than 24 hours yet. I have cheated with pasta, because rice pasta is just not the same, and soem cheesey Pirates Booty, and other things. But I really am trying to be better to my body.
I am so picky about food, and it is hard to stay on the straight and oh so narrow, but I think I do much better without dairy, and meat was never a big thing for me. I need to leran to try more food. Like fruit. I like mine fresh out of the can. But only peaches, pineapple and pears. I only get what is in fruit juice though, not the fructose syrup, but I know fresh is better than canned. Sometimes I buy fresh pineapple. I am not sure if I have ever actually eaten a fresh pear before.
Back to the dinner....(my train of thought jumps more tracks than AMTRAK)I was surprised by how well things went. No one ordered appetizers, and there wasn't any lingering after the meal which made it better. I still do not want to hang out in public with these people on a regular basis, but it wasn't as bad as I feared. Although I am not comfortable with people like this, I tend to get almost semi-manic and bubbly. But that really exhausts me. And the coworkers were not good conversationalists. I was surprised by how little the boss spoke. I don't know her very well, and I had hoped to learn a little more, but she is not a chatty cathy.
I missed my book club meeting last night - partially because the group leader didn't send the usual email reminder, and also because I went to this dinner. But that's just as well since I am only haLFway through the book I was supposed to read, and it is just not that interesting yet. I will most likely slog through it though, since I paid for it.
And speaking of paying for it, I am going to be so wiped tomorrow. I worke up before 10a, and haven't been able to get a nap. Napping is hard because I am unable to sleep without meds, and when I take the meds, I need at least 6 hours. I hope tonight is very slow at work, so I can snooze or veg out to the TV.
Job interview was ok. I may be offered the job, and if I am, I will most likely take it. I do not want it, but I am desparate for something full time with higher pay. IF, and these are a lot of ifs, I do take it, the challenge will be to keep looking for something better. This job is basically a glorified receptionist, and I am so over that in terms of education, experience, and skills. But I need a job, and I need to find a place to live, so I will take what I can get. I just have to keep reaching for more.
The job in question is basically M-F 8-5, but may require some hald day Saturdays. Because I need money, I am hoping to keep the current job, and work Friday and Saturday nights, possibly picking up a few hours during the week. I will post about money later, but I am monetarily manic depressive. I try and hoard it all, but then will spend wildly when I am depressed or bored. Buying new shoes on Amazon is slightly better for me than eating because I am bored, but it is a slim margin. I need my own personal 24 hour team of shrinks to sort through all of this!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Work Crap
Tonight, I am going out for dinner with my boss and coworkers. I don't want to go. I don't want to go to the nth degree, and if it wouldn't make me look just a wee bit undignified, I would stomp my heel, and cry a little over it. Since I am home alone, I could very well indulge in that behavior and no one but me would be the wiser...
A couple of weeks ago, one of our clients had some major issues, resulting in a lot of calls for us. So they sent a thank you letter. And tonight, boss is taking us out to thank us. This is all well and good.
What is not so good is that I am not really into socializing with my coworkers. Running down the list, we have:
2 people I truly dislike,
1 person who makes Kendra from the Girls Next Door look like a Rhodes Scholar, who can also not speak below the decibel level of a jet plane during takeoff
1 who has more mental issues than I do (I know!!!!),
1 person I like but who will probably not be there, and who is crotchety and very loud
1 person that I do like
and, the boss. I have worked at this job for 6 months and have seen the boss about 6 times. This is because I works nights Th-F-S, so I call her my invisible boss.
We are going to The Outback. A steakhouse. I am trying really hard to stick to the vegan diet. I called the restaurant yesterday, and they do not have anything vegan. I will end up with a salad, but will have to specify no egg, no bacon bits, no cheese, and please for the love of god no mushrooms. Not cause they aren't vegan, because mushrooms are evil and I hate them. I also do not want to be part of a big discussion I have already heard, many times, about why I am vegan, and "gee, I could never do it", and blah blah blah, live in Texas, state point of pride to eat meat...
Texas also still has smoking/non smoking sections, and because several workers smoke, we will be in the smoking section. Oh, and did I mention that the boss is paying for drinks as well?
Everyone else at this job has been there for 2-20 years. Again, I have 6 months. Not only do I not fit in, but I do not want to fit in.
I hate feeling this way. The boss called yesterday to make sure I was going, and announced where we were going - I just knew there were plans to go out, not where. I am such a bitch at times and can be very strong, but not on the important stuff, and I am not very good at just saying no. And I know that I could, theoretially, call the boss and say that there isn't anything on the menu that is vegan, and I am not comfortable going and watching people chow down on animal flesh, which really does nauseate me, but I don't really feel like I can actually do that.
I work for a very small company, which is extremely casual, so it isn't like I work with clients who expect to see me there, or that my attendance could mean the diff. between being made partner in a firm. But if I didn't go, I think I would be discussed at length (my god these people know how to gossip!) and that I would feel left out.
Then again, how much of this is just that I am really depressed, and uncomfortable, and hate any sort of change? Going out would probably be good for me, but I need different people to go out with. And going out with work people and people who do not know me well really does take quite a bit of effort. To keep smiling and making cheerful polite conversation for 2 hours is just a chore for me right now. I will not be discussing politics, money, mental health, family, or any books (cause this is a non reading group of mouthbreathers), or the cats at great length.
So yeah, I am totally Debbie Downer and feeling sorry for myself right now. Tomorrow will be better, right?
On the positive - and you didn't think I had a positive side didja?- I am trying again with FLYlady. www.flylady.net I have had the book for over a year, and made a lovely control journal, and then wondered why everything wasn't perfect. Yeah, the working at it part is what tripped me up. Gets me every time!
I made my bed this morning, and I am going to put away the clean dishes when I am done posting. Last night I made me habit forming reminders. Instead of using post-its for reminders, I got 4x7 cards with plastic photo sheets to cover them. This way I can keep them from getting humid and wrinkly in the kitchen and bathroom, plus they look pretty. And because the printer is way neater than my writing.
I do need to watch this though, since I do have perfectionist tendencies, and then I get overwhelmed and think that if I can't do something absolutely perfectly, then I shouldn't do it. So, I am taking the necessary baby steps. Wish me luck. Tonight at The Outback, and with FLY-ing.
A couple of weeks ago, one of our clients had some major issues, resulting in a lot of calls for us. So they sent a thank you letter. And tonight, boss is taking us out to thank us. This is all well and good.
What is not so good is that I am not really into socializing with my coworkers. Running down the list, we have:
2 people I truly dislike,
1 person who makes Kendra from the Girls Next Door look like a Rhodes Scholar, who can also not speak below the decibel level of a jet plane during takeoff
1 who has more mental issues than I do (I know!!!!),
1 person I like but who will probably not be there, and who is crotchety and very loud
1 person that I do like
and, the boss. I have worked at this job for 6 months and have seen the boss about 6 times. This is because I works nights Th-F-S, so I call her my invisible boss.
We are going to The Outback. A steakhouse. I am trying really hard to stick to the vegan diet. I called the restaurant yesterday, and they do not have anything vegan. I will end up with a salad, but will have to specify no egg, no bacon bits, no cheese, and please for the love of god no mushrooms. Not cause they aren't vegan, because mushrooms are evil and I hate them. I also do not want to be part of a big discussion I have already heard, many times, about why I am vegan, and "gee, I could never do it", and blah blah blah, live in Texas, state point of pride to eat meat...
Texas also still has smoking/non smoking sections, and because several workers smoke, we will be in the smoking section. Oh, and did I mention that the boss is paying for drinks as well?
Everyone else at this job has been there for 2-20 years. Again, I have 6 months. Not only do I not fit in, but I do not want to fit in.
I hate feeling this way. The boss called yesterday to make sure I was going, and announced where we were going - I just knew there were plans to go out, not where. I am such a bitch at times and can be very strong, but not on the important stuff, and I am not very good at just saying no. And I know that I could, theoretially, call the boss and say that there isn't anything on the menu that is vegan, and I am not comfortable going and watching people chow down on animal flesh, which really does nauseate me, but I don't really feel like I can actually do that.
I work for a very small company, which is extremely casual, so it isn't like I work with clients who expect to see me there, or that my attendance could mean the diff. between being made partner in a firm. But if I didn't go, I think I would be discussed at length (my god these people know how to gossip!) and that I would feel left out.
Then again, how much of this is just that I am really depressed, and uncomfortable, and hate any sort of change? Going out would probably be good for me, but I need different people to go out with. And going out with work people and people who do not know me well really does take quite a bit of effort. To keep smiling and making cheerful polite conversation for 2 hours is just a chore for me right now. I will not be discussing politics, money, mental health, family, or any books (cause this is a non reading group of mouthbreathers), or the cats at great length.
So yeah, I am totally Debbie Downer and feeling sorry for myself right now. Tomorrow will be better, right?
On the positive - and you didn't think I had a positive side didja?- I am trying again with FLYlady. www.flylady.net I have had the book for over a year, and made a lovely control journal, and then wondered why everything wasn't perfect. Yeah, the working at it part is what tripped me up. Gets me every time!
I made my bed this morning, and I am going to put away the clean dishes when I am done posting. Last night I made me habit forming reminders. Instead of using post-its for reminders, I got 4x7 cards with plastic photo sheets to cover them. This way I can keep them from getting humid and wrinkly in the kitchen and bathroom, plus they look pretty. And because the printer is way neater than my writing.
I do need to watch this though, since I do have perfectionist tendencies, and then I get overwhelmed and think that if I can't do something absolutely perfectly, then I shouldn't do it. So, I am taking the necessary baby steps. Wish me luck. Tonight at The Outback, and with FLY-ing.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
The Olympics
So I was channel surfing and came across some gymnastics coverage from Beijing. This prompted the following thoughts:
1. In gymnastics, why do they call it a talent? Whenever the backstory is shown, it is almost always complete with the info that these girls have been training 6-8 hours a day since they were 3. Most of them compete in the Olympics at age 15 or so. Even though I am way out of shape now, I can guarantee you that if I had been training obsessively for 6 hours a day for 12 years, I would be able to do some amazing cartwheels and stuff too.
2. If we can have Ralph Lauren design the uniforms for the walking around ceremony, couldn't we pay some top hairstylist to fix the ratty ponytails and ohmygod SCRUNCHIES I see representing America?!?!?
3. I respect the Olympics for what they are. They have been around for centuries, great way to up national pride, blah blah blah. But, can you imagine, just for a second, that our top researchers, physicians, inventors, and teachers received even 1/10 of the recognition and glory that we are giving these athletes? Yeah, they are athletes. Just athletes. They can do amazing physical things. All of them can jump higher, run faster, and play tennis better than 99% of the rest of humanity. And some of them may contribute their time and money to some charitable work. But when our planet is hosting all eleventy seven million of us (yeah, its a number, look it up), more and more countries are driving more and more cars using more and more fuel, new diseases are running rampant, and I don't even know how many millions are going hungry, is a global event celebrating physical and not mental prowess really what we need to focus on?
And I have to think it is a huge let down for most athletes. Even if you win, and are noted in sports history for the rest of time, it is one moment in your lifetime, a speck in the greater scheme of things. Imagine that you are the researcher who invents cars that can run off of solar power, with 100% efficiency, and can be manufactured for 1/4 of what a standard engine costs. That is the sort of achievement that I think people should strive for. But in the meantime, lets all wear patriotic colors and cheer for the fastest one out there, you know, because that is who will keep your children safe and improve the world.
Cynical much, Maria?
1. In gymnastics, why do they call it a talent? Whenever the backstory is shown, it is almost always complete with the info that these girls have been training 6-8 hours a day since they were 3. Most of them compete in the Olympics at age 15 or so. Even though I am way out of shape now, I can guarantee you that if I had been training obsessively for 6 hours a day for 12 years, I would be able to do some amazing cartwheels and stuff too.
2. If we can have Ralph Lauren design the uniforms for the walking around ceremony, couldn't we pay some top hairstylist to fix the ratty ponytails and ohmygod SCRUNCHIES I see representing America?!?!?
3. I respect the Olympics for what they are. They have been around for centuries, great way to up national pride, blah blah blah. But, can you imagine, just for a second, that our top researchers, physicians, inventors, and teachers received even 1/10 of the recognition and glory that we are giving these athletes? Yeah, they are athletes. Just athletes. They can do amazing physical things. All of them can jump higher, run faster, and play tennis better than 99% of the rest of humanity. And some of them may contribute their time and money to some charitable work. But when our planet is hosting all eleventy seven million of us (yeah, its a number, look it up), more and more countries are driving more and more cars using more and more fuel, new diseases are running rampant, and I don't even know how many millions are going hungry, is a global event celebrating physical and not mental prowess really what we need to focus on?
And I have to think it is a huge let down for most athletes. Even if you win, and are noted in sports history for the rest of time, it is one moment in your lifetime, a speck in the greater scheme of things. Imagine that you are the researcher who invents cars that can run off of solar power, with 100% efficiency, and can be manufactured for 1/4 of what a standard engine costs. That is the sort of achievement that I think people should strive for. But in the meantime, lets all wear patriotic colors and cheer for the fastest one out there, you know, because that is who will keep your children safe and improve the world.
Cynical much, Maria?
Monday, August 11, 2008
Current thoughts in no particular order
Welcome to Texas, where even with the A/C cranking it is stll 85 freaking degrees inside.
I continue to fight with S. The heat is not helping. He insists on making things like spaghetti in the middle of the afternoon. With the temperature already over 80 inside, what would be a clever thing to do? Turn the stove on and boil pasta. Second top answer is using the dryer. Bonus points for doing both at the same time.
S. is SMRT.
I know it is wrong, but because he has pissed me off, I have thrown out his favorite boxers and another pair of shorts. This is small and petty, and I justify that it is just clothing, and nothing important, like his birth certificate. I really and truly do not play well with others. I may also be checking his email and myspace page. Don't hate. I know it is borderline creepy. And by borderline I mean sort of a lot. I don't really care so much about what he is doing, but I am really bored.
I am feeling ok today about my bank balance. Not gonna say how much, but I have been really prudent lately, and it is higher than it has been for a while. Still waiting to get a real job to watch the numbers climb and feel safer.
The Woo - seems to be getting better. The diarrhea seems to have stopped, since he is on a probiotic. The vet insisted that the powder was tasty, and I wouldn't have to mix it in his food to get him to eat it. Well, I ended up having to stir it into the stinky wet food. Not because he won't eat it, but because that is all he wants to eat. Stinker. But I love him so, and I will mix it in.
I don't want to be a crazy cat lady. Really I don't. But lately this cat has been really helping me keep it together. Whenever he wakes up and does not know where I am, he will cry until I call out to him, then he will come running up to me, so I can scoop him up and cuddle him. The other two cats just don't give me that much attention unless their bowl is empty. Camille is 15 and grumpy, so I don't expect much from her, and Biki is a halfwit at best. But The Woo is all about following me around and being a love. And somedays I need the unconditional love, no matter that it comes from a cat.
I have done another couple rounds of binge and purge. Not so bad on the bingeing, really just meal sized amounts, but the purging is starting to concern me. I searched online and learned that rinsing with baking soda can help reduce the acid, but I think baking soda would make me gag, so the benefit may be eliminated...
Is anyone else watching "The Secret Lives of Women" on the chick channel? I am. There are some truly strange people out there. In comparison, I am only odd, not strange. I did learn a new term though from the show. HeteroFlexible. Which I gathered as being pretty much the same as bi-sexual, but feeling the need to try and call it something else. The whole thing struck me as funny, and pretty similar to "Suede" on Project Runway calling himself "Suede" and speaking in the third person.
I watch a lot of strange TV. I work at nights, and there is a TV, and little work to do. Sadly it is just basic cable, and I would love it if people would be so kind as to wait for commercial breaks to call in with their petty problems. Kthx. A couple of weeks ago, there was a rerun of one of those pseudo documentaries on child pageants. I am going to hell for this (and other reasons, to be sure) but in the middle of this show about children in swimsuit competitions, there was an ad for Pos-T-Vac which is a penis suction pump. Are the programmers on this channel as warped as I am, or does nobody check for these issues?
I think pageants are basically kiddie porn, and the mothers seem clearly unfulfilled in their lives and live vicariously through their poor kids. But the names do make me laugh. Instead of just 1st, 2nd, or third place, they use Miss Supreme Grand Pretty Princess and other ridiculous titles, and the crowns are literally 18-24 inches tall, if not taller, and sort of ugly. And ohmygod the level of hostility between the mothers of the contestants! It is brain killingly bad entertainment, but at 3 am, the choices are limited.
I also learned that one of the chick channels has a QVC type show late at night, selling various erotic devices. I was channel surfing throught the other infomercials and heard the phrase "clitoral stimulation". I was sure that I hadn't heard that right, since it is only basic cable, but there it was - two genteel 30 ish women in a softly lit, lavendar backdropped set, discussing the merits of their high priced(?) vibrators. I went back to the channel surfing, but I am going to try and watch it again and see if they have any chatty callers phoning in to speak to the hosts and tell them how pleased they were with their product and how wonderful the color selection and quality are. Does anyone else remember the episode of Mamas Family where Mama gets addicted to the Home Shooping Network?
Luckily, I can also bring my DVD player in, and sometimes watch movies that way. I adore the little RedBox kiosks for DVD's. A buck a night is a pretty sweet deal. Plus, if you go online, you get a freebie, and I am all about the cheap and the free. Which may lead to some google hits for my blog...
I signed up for e-harmony, but I am not persuing it right now. I may see if I can pause my account. I was really curious to see if I would pass their screening process. There is an commercial for another matching service that says eHarmony turns down a lot of people because of their 29 dimensions. Considering I have a history of Major Depressive Disorder and a few other issues, I was surprised that I was let through. I am not entirely sure that my personality profile is quite accurate though. That isn't entirely based on poor self esteem though. I didn't think the questionnaire dug that deep, and also, I think everyone sort of polishes their selves a little on these things, like a resume.
I am not really looking for anyone right now though. I am still living with S, although we have had separate bedrooms for over a year, I think I am going to need some alone and single time. Plus I totally feel fat and ugly right now, so probably not a good starting place for a relationship, no?
A coworker gave me a Starbucks gift card. I have been vegetarian on and off for 16 years, and leaning to wards vegan now, but I have a hunch that this gift card is going to to towards a couple of vanilla cupcakes. Their chocolate ones look great, but taste gross, and not chocolatey. Usually I am not much of a vanilla fan, but these cupcakes rock. Plus they keep them in the freezer, and I love frozen cake. If you truly want to hurt your body, try freezing double stuff Oreos. Yum. I haven't actually had Oreos in over a year, because they are just plain bad for me, but every once in a while I think back on the frozen ones. I used to know some serious potheads, who introduced me to things like that, which I called Stoner Gourmet. Another tasty snack I picked up back in the day? Pringles with Muenster cheese. Good times - 10 years ago when I was young, and carefree and had a contact high.
And that wraps up this installment of Marias World. Thank you for visiting and please wait until the ride comes to a complete stop before exiting.
I continue to fight with S. The heat is not helping. He insists on making things like spaghetti in the middle of the afternoon. With the temperature already over 80 inside, what would be a clever thing to do? Turn the stove on and boil pasta. Second top answer is using the dryer. Bonus points for doing both at the same time.
S. is SMRT.
I know it is wrong, but because he has pissed me off, I have thrown out his favorite boxers and another pair of shorts. This is small and petty, and I justify that it is just clothing, and nothing important, like his birth certificate. I really and truly do not play well with others. I may also be checking his email and myspace page. Don't hate. I know it is borderline creepy. And by borderline I mean sort of a lot. I don't really care so much about what he is doing, but I am really bored.
I am feeling ok today about my bank balance. Not gonna say how much, but I have been really prudent lately, and it is higher than it has been for a while. Still waiting to get a real job to watch the numbers climb and feel safer.
The Woo - seems to be getting better. The diarrhea seems to have stopped, since he is on a probiotic. The vet insisted that the powder was tasty, and I wouldn't have to mix it in his food to get him to eat it. Well, I ended up having to stir it into the stinky wet food. Not because he won't eat it, but because that is all he wants to eat. Stinker. But I love him so, and I will mix it in.
I don't want to be a crazy cat lady. Really I don't. But lately this cat has been really helping me keep it together. Whenever he wakes up and does not know where I am, he will cry until I call out to him, then he will come running up to me, so I can scoop him up and cuddle him. The other two cats just don't give me that much attention unless their bowl is empty. Camille is 15 and grumpy, so I don't expect much from her, and Biki is a halfwit at best. But The Woo is all about following me around and being a love. And somedays I need the unconditional love, no matter that it comes from a cat.
I have done another couple rounds of binge and purge. Not so bad on the bingeing, really just meal sized amounts, but the purging is starting to concern me. I searched online and learned that rinsing with baking soda can help reduce the acid, but I think baking soda would make me gag, so the benefit may be eliminated...
Is anyone else watching "The Secret Lives of Women" on the chick channel? I am. There are some truly strange people out there. In comparison, I am only odd, not strange. I did learn a new term though from the show. HeteroFlexible. Which I gathered as being pretty much the same as bi-sexual, but feeling the need to try and call it something else. The whole thing struck me as funny, and pretty similar to "Suede" on Project Runway calling himself "Suede" and speaking in the third person.
I watch a lot of strange TV. I work at nights, and there is a TV, and little work to do. Sadly it is just basic cable, and I would love it if people would be so kind as to wait for commercial breaks to call in with their petty problems. Kthx. A couple of weeks ago, there was a rerun of one of those pseudo documentaries on child pageants. I am going to hell for this (and other reasons, to be sure) but in the middle of this show about children in swimsuit competitions, there was an ad for Pos-T-Vac which is a penis suction pump. Are the programmers on this channel as warped as I am, or does nobody check for these issues?
I think pageants are basically kiddie porn, and the mothers seem clearly unfulfilled in their lives and live vicariously through their poor kids. But the names do make me laugh. Instead of just 1st, 2nd, or third place, they use Miss Supreme Grand Pretty Princess and other ridiculous titles, and the crowns are literally 18-24 inches tall, if not taller, and sort of ugly. And ohmygod the level of hostility between the mothers of the contestants! It is brain killingly bad entertainment, but at 3 am, the choices are limited.
I also learned that one of the chick channels has a QVC type show late at night, selling various erotic devices. I was channel surfing throught the other infomercials and heard the phrase "clitoral stimulation". I was sure that I hadn't heard that right, since it is only basic cable, but there it was - two genteel 30 ish women in a softly lit, lavendar backdropped set, discussing the merits of their high priced(?) vibrators. I went back to the channel surfing, but I am going to try and watch it again and see if they have any chatty callers phoning in to speak to the hosts and tell them how pleased they were with their product and how wonderful the color selection and quality are. Does anyone else remember the episode of Mamas Family where Mama gets addicted to the Home Shooping Network?
Luckily, I can also bring my DVD player in, and sometimes watch movies that way. I adore the little RedBox kiosks for DVD's. A buck a night is a pretty sweet deal. Plus, if you go online, you get a freebie, and I am all about the cheap and the free. Which may lead to some google hits for my blog...
I signed up for e-harmony, but I am not persuing it right now. I may see if I can pause my account. I was really curious to see if I would pass their screening process. There is an commercial for another matching service that says eHarmony turns down a lot of people because of their 29 dimensions. Considering I have a history of Major Depressive Disorder and a few other issues, I was surprised that I was let through. I am not entirely sure that my personality profile is quite accurate though. That isn't entirely based on poor self esteem though. I didn't think the questionnaire dug that deep, and also, I think everyone sort of polishes their selves a little on these things, like a resume.
I am not really looking for anyone right now though. I am still living with S, although we have had separate bedrooms for over a year, I think I am going to need some alone and single time. Plus I totally feel fat and ugly right now, so probably not a good starting place for a relationship, no?
A coworker gave me a Starbucks gift card. I have been vegetarian on and off for 16 years, and leaning to wards vegan now, but I have a hunch that this gift card is going to to towards a couple of vanilla cupcakes. Their chocolate ones look great, but taste gross, and not chocolatey. Usually I am not much of a vanilla fan, but these cupcakes rock. Plus they keep them in the freezer, and I love frozen cake. If you truly want to hurt your body, try freezing double stuff Oreos. Yum. I haven't actually had Oreos in over a year, because they are just plain bad for me, but every once in a while I think back on the frozen ones. I used to know some serious potheads, who introduced me to things like that, which I called Stoner Gourmet. Another tasty snack I picked up back in the day? Pringles with Muenster cheese. Good times - 10 years ago when I was young, and carefree and had a contact high.
And that wraps up this installment of Marias World. Thank you for visiting and please wait until the ride comes to a complete stop before exiting.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
The Woo
Today I took Woo to the vet. A new vet.
He has been having issues with diarrhea for a while. I took him to another vet before, who I just did not like. I had been feeding him Science Diet prescription I/D, for about a year but he managed to have diarrhea. The bad vet told me that that food wasn't adequate nutrition, and changed him to Purina prescription diet. Woo did not eat it very well, continued to have diarrhea, and lost weight. He is the only cat I have ever had that was so picky about food. If he doesn't like it, he does not eat. No matter how hungry he gets.
I also took Biki to the same vet practice 3 times, and each time saw a different vet. So I decided to make a change.
A long time ago, I wokred for a VMD. I loved that job! Plus I got free vet care! So I am really picky about vets. The new vet today actually listened to me, asked valid questions about my baby, and gave me a script for a supplement. Sort of like a pro-biotic for cats. He said that some vets had reported it being successful in stimulating their appetites. He was right!
For the first time in like ever, The Woo was actually interested in food! He ate all the food I gave him! Usually he will nibble around the edges and pick at food, so this was amazing! Plus, this new vet is way cheaper than the last one. If needed, I would sell my kidney as a donor on the black market to pay for vet care. The little beasties mean so much to me. But I would rather not have it come to that, so I am happy to have found a vet I like and who will not need a sacrificial organ!
I had to list the name of my pet on the form. I put down Edgar, which IS his official name. But he never gets called that. When I found him, he was a stray. I posted notices everywhere online and called vets in the area. Nobody claimed him. I already had two cats, so I refused to name him, cause once you name them, they are yours. I managed to go for two months calling him 'Squishface' or 'FancyPants' before I realized that I wasn't going to find his previous owners.
Since he has a haughty Persian face, I decided he needed a grumpy old man kind of name, so he became Edgar. Which soon became Eddie. That led to Edissimo, which begat MoMo. Somewhere along the line, he became Dude. Then Dudearoo, then, and this is really sad, Dudeawoo. So while he may be named Edgar, he answers to Dude or Woo. And that boys and girls, is the saddest reason I should never have children.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Things running through my head
1. This whole blogging thing - I post a blog, and I am happy things are current, and then before I know it, a week has gone by with no post. Somehow I don't think I would be able to do NaBloPoMo's month long every day posting thing.
2. Job Search. This totally sucks. The area I am in has the worst economy I have ever experienced. The pay here is literally half what I had been making in Indianapolis, but yet the cost of living is about the same, except double the utility bills because of needing the A/C all the time.
A coworker at the night job gave me a heads up for a job at the comm college she works at. The pay is only $9.33 an hour though, and there is no freaking way I can honeslty live off of that unless I want to share the cats food. And also? The college will only pay for one class per semester. I thought that was totally cheap, since a lot of colleges offer free tuition to their employees and their children. I will probably apply for it, just to see how it goes, but unless they are willing to bump up the payscale, I don't think I can do it, free class or not. Plus, they pay once a month, and budgeting is a four letter word here in Marias World. I can come up with wonderful plans, all sorts of strict and stingy, but its the sticking to it I have a problem with.
I so hate job searching. It feels so desparate, like waiting to be picked for a team in gym class. That and ok, there may be some creative writing on my resume.
I know that when you go on an interview, you are supposed to be all about being a team player, and positive and energetic, but I am not feeling that way. I would love to be able to go into an interview and state that I enjoy working by myself, with limited coworker interaction, unless I like the said coworker(s), and find them intelligent. I would love to be able to say that really, I want the job with the company because there are good benefits, and I get liberal amounts of time to surf the net on company time. I would be thrilled if I could be honest and state that I understand that every company needs certain rules and regulations, but, really could we use a little more common sense when it comes down to it, and not need a separate chapter in the employee handbook for every possible situation?
I actually haven't gone so far as to call or email my resume anywhere. The plan was to get up early today and miraculously be organized. So now I have decided that will happen tomorrow. I need to take one of the cats to the vet tomorrow as well, so at least I will be forced to get up, get dressed, and get out of the house.
3. I am still sort of mired in depression, if you couldn't tell. I am still stuck living with S., although that relationship is dead and over with. Last Sunday, S. asked, completely out of the blue if sex was an option. I was proud of myself for telling him that was the most pig-ish thing he had ever said to me, and making it completely clear that sex was not and will not be an option. He then asked if I never just got horny. Which is so not the point. Apparently I am good enough to fuck but not good enough to be in a relationship and grow together with.
I am starved for human companionship though. And touching. It has been at least 3 weeks since I have gotten a hug from anyone and it is killing me. I truly think that touch is just as important as the other senses and I am totally deprived. Which is not only sad, but if and when I ever go on a date with another man, I don't want to be all clingy, but, I really need some quality touch time.
4. The last bad thing I am going to mention. I totally binged last week at work, and then puked. Luckily I work alone at nights, so no one was there. Backstory on this, is that certain professionals may have told me I am bulimic. I don't think so, since it isn't that often, and, honestly? I need to lose wiehgt, and it is effective. Side tangent - why do people think it doesn't? If you puke soon enough after a meal, you are not going to have all the extra calories, and I have lost weight (not that much) before, when it was a little more problematic. I think that maybe it isn't effective if you indulge in a truly monstrous binge. Mine wasn't that bad. Or maybe it doesn't work if you only purge after bingeing. If you do it after every meal it is very effective. Not that this blog is going to go all pro-ana.
So far my plans for being normal when I grow up are failing miserably.
2. Job Search. This totally sucks. The area I am in has the worst economy I have ever experienced. The pay here is literally half what I had been making in Indianapolis, but yet the cost of living is about the same, except double the utility bills because of needing the A/C all the time.
A coworker at the night job gave me a heads up for a job at the comm college she works at. The pay is only $9.33 an hour though, and there is no freaking way I can honeslty live off of that unless I want to share the cats food. And also? The college will only pay for one class per semester. I thought that was totally cheap, since a lot of colleges offer free tuition to their employees and their children. I will probably apply for it, just to see how it goes, but unless they are willing to bump up the payscale, I don't think I can do it, free class or not. Plus, they pay once a month, and budgeting is a four letter word here in Marias World. I can come up with wonderful plans, all sorts of strict and stingy, but its the sticking to it I have a problem with.
I so hate job searching. It feels so desparate, like waiting to be picked for a team in gym class. That and ok, there may be some creative writing on my resume.
I know that when you go on an interview, you are supposed to be all about being a team player, and positive and energetic, but I am not feeling that way. I would love to be able to go into an interview and state that I enjoy working by myself, with limited coworker interaction, unless I like the said coworker(s), and find them intelligent. I would love to be able to say that really, I want the job with the company because there are good benefits, and I get liberal amounts of time to surf the net on company time. I would be thrilled if I could be honest and state that I understand that every company needs certain rules and regulations, but, really could we use a little more common sense when it comes down to it, and not need a separate chapter in the employee handbook for every possible situation?
I actually haven't gone so far as to call or email my resume anywhere. The plan was to get up early today and miraculously be organized. So now I have decided that will happen tomorrow. I need to take one of the cats to the vet tomorrow as well, so at least I will be forced to get up, get dressed, and get out of the house.
3. I am still sort of mired in depression, if you couldn't tell. I am still stuck living with S., although that relationship is dead and over with. Last Sunday, S. asked, completely out of the blue if sex was an option. I was proud of myself for telling him that was the most pig-ish thing he had ever said to me, and making it completely clear that sex was not and will not be an option. He then asked if I never just got horny. Which is so not the point. Apparently I am good enough to fuck but not good enough to be in a relationship and grow together with.
I am starved for human companionship though. And touching. It has been at least 3 weeks since I have gotten a hug from anyone and it is killing me. I truly think that touch is just as important as the other senses and I am totally deprived. Which is not only sad, but if and when I ever go on a date with another man, I don't want to be all clingy, but, I really need some quality touch time.
4. The last bad thing I am going to mention. I totally binged last week at work, and then puked. Luckily I work alone at nights, so no one was there. Backstory on this, is that certain professionals may have told me I am bulimic. I don't think so, since it isn't that often, and, honestly? I need to lose wiehgt, and it is effective. Side tangent - why do people think it doesn't? If you puke soon enough after a meal, you are not going to have all the extra calories, and I have lost weight (not that much) before, when it was a little more problematic. I think that maybe it isn't effective if you indulge in a truly monstrous binge. Mine wasn't that bad. Or maybe it doesn't work if you only purge after bingeing. If you do it after every meal it is very effective. Not that this blog is going to go all pro-ana.
So far my plans for being normal when I grow up are failing miserably.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)