Tonight, I am going out for dinner with my boss and coworkers. I don't want to go. I don't want to go to the nth degree, and if it wouldn't make me look just a wee bit undignified, I would stomp my heel, and cry a little over it. Since I am home alone, I could very well indulge in that behavior and no one but me would be the wiser...
A couple of weeks ago, one of our clients had some major issues, resulting in a lot of calls for us. So they sent a thank you letter. And tonight, boss is taking us out to thank us. This is all well and good.
What is not so good is that I am not really into socializing with my coworkers. Running down the list, we have:
2 people I truly dislike,
1 person who makes Kendra from the Girls Next Door look like a Rhodes Scholar, who can also not speak below the decibel level of a jet plane during takeoff
1 who has more mental issues than I do (I know!!!!),
1 person I like but who will probably not be there, and who is crotchety and very loud
1 person that I do like
and, the boss. I have worked at this job for 6 months and have seen the boss about 6 times. This is because I works nights Th-F-S, so I call her my invisible boss.
We are going to The Outback. A steakhouse. I am trying really hard to stick to the vegan diet. I called the restaurant yesterday, and they do not have anything vegan. I will end up with a salad, but will have to specify no egg, no bacon bits, no cheese, and please for the love of god no mushrooms. Not cause they aren't vegan, because mushrooms are evil and I hate them. I also do not want to be part of a big discussion I have already heard, many times, about why I am vegan, and "gee, I could never do it", and blah blah blah, live in Texas, state point of pride to eat meat...
Texas also still has smoking/non smoking sections, and because several workers smoke, we will be in the smoking section. Oh, and did I mention that the boss is paying for drinks as well?
Everyone else at this job has been there for 2-20 years. Again, I have 6 months. Not only do I not fit in, but I do not want to fit in.
I hate feeling this way. The boss called yesterday to make sure I was going, and announced where we were going - I just knew there were plans to go out, not where. I am such a bitch at times and can be very strong, but not on the important stuff, and I am not very good at just saying no. And I know that I could, theoretially, call the boss and say that there isn't anything on the menu that is vegan, and I am not comfortable going and watching people chow down on animal flesh, which really does nauseate me, but I don't really feel like I can actually do that.
I work for a very small company, which is extremely casual, so it isn't like I work with clients who expect to see me there, or that my attendance could mean the diff. between being made partner in a firm. But if I didn't go, I think I would be discussed at length (my god these people know how to gossip!) and that I would feel left out.
Then again, how much of this is just that I am really depressed, and uncomfortable, and hate any sort of change? Going out would probably be good for me, but I need different people to go out with. And going out with work people and people who do not know me well really does take quite a bit of effort. To keep smiling and making cheerful polite conversation for 2 hours is just a chore for me right now. I will not be discussing politics, money, mental health, family, or any books (cause this is a non reading group of mouthbreathers), or the cats at great length.
So yeah, I am totally Debbie Downer and feeling sorry for myself right now. Tomorrow will be better, right?
On the positive - and you didn't think I had a positive side didja?- I am trying again with FLYlady. www.flylady.net I have had the book for over a year, and made a lovely control journal, and then wondered why everything wasn't perfect. Yeah, the working at it part is what tripped me up. Gets me every time!
I made my bed this morning, and I am going to put away the clean dishes when I am done posting. Last night I made me habit forming reminders. Instead of using post-its for reminders, I got 4x7 cards with plastic photo sheets to cover them. This way I can keep them from getting humid and wrinkly in the kitchen and bathroom, plus they look pretty. And because the printer is way neater than my writing.
I do need to watch this though, since I do have perfectionist tendencies, and then I get overwhelmed and think that if I can't do something absolutely perfectly, then I shouldn't do it. So, I am taking the necessary baby steps. Wish me luck. Tonight at The Outback, and with FLY-ing.