Sunday, August 24, 2008

Meaner than a snake

Today I just feel mean.
Perhaps it is that I did not get enough sleep the last couple of days.
A smidge of the grumpiness may be blamed on PMS.
Some of it is due to the fact that half of the jobs in the paper turn out to be scammy - wanting me to sign up with their service, or pay a fee for the info.
But I have a nasty suspicion that this is depression irritability, and I don't want to go into all of that right now.

I am going to go to bed soon, forfeiting the new book club meeting, and gearing up to go to the bank tomorrow to see why I am still being charged fees for last weeks fuck up with my compromised debit card.

I really don't want to miss the book club start up meeting. On the one hand, getting out and meeting people is somethign that would probably be very good for me. On the other, I could end up alienating everyone and being bitter. And I have my old age reserved for that.

The way I see it, in another 10 years or so, I will be referred to as "Mean Ole Lady J____". Neighbor children will be afraid to retrieve frisbees or balls thrown in my yard. When a toy is launched over my inevitably high fence, the other children will pull back the toys owner and admonish him that they have a cousin, who knew this kid whose brother went in my yard once, and was never seen again, and ominously tell him that I didn't buy cat food for like 6 weeks after that kid disappeared...

I am not sure if I really need meds right now, so much as I need therapy, and possibly a life coach or six, but meds may come into play too. I hate starting over with new docs to begin with, especially given my long and varied prescription med history. I have been looking around for drug info though, and the one that I think may help is Adderall, which ok, is technically a little bit of an amphetamine.

I don't want to appear to be drug seeking, but the SSRI's didn't work, Cymbalta didn't help, Effexor was a horrific nightmare, and I just don't seem to get any better. I need to find a doc with a lot of experience with psychotropic medication (professional, that is, not personal or recreational, thanks). I wish you could interview docs for the position. If you make an appt, and don't like the doc, or don't think that it is going to be a good fit, you still have to pay, and since I don't have insurance, that is prohibitively expensive.

Long story short, I am grumpy and tired, and going to be for at least 12 hours in the hope that tomorrow will be better, and I will return to my normal sunshiny disposition.

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