NaBloPoMo

So this is it. With this post I have completed the challeneg, but I am not particularily proud of it. I haven't posted anything other than work crap, money crap, and other boring crap. And I am sort of relieved that it is over.

WTF

Someone broke into my best friends house today. 2 guns and a LOT of jewelry were taken,but all the pets are ok,and most of all, GEM is safe. GEM thinks he knows who did it, since a neighbor saw a strange car in his driveway and fingerprints were taken. I am angry and upset that someone so close to me was robbed, and feel very distraught that GEM has to go through this - I know he is feeling angry, vulnerable and invaded, and I am several states away and unable to help.

Last week, three of his goats died, in a strange way, and I really hope this is not related.

Friday night

Today wasgood. Islept in again until almost 10,went to the used bookstore,took the cats to the vet for vaccinations, washed and ironed my scrubs for work next week. So far so good, but I really don't feel like working tonight.

Am I depressed?

I napped today for 5 hours, and it is bothering me. Did I sleep because I just needed to relax for a while? Or did I sleep so long because I am really getting depressed again? Am I worrying over nothing or is there need for concern?

it is a sad day

Today I am getting the box for Camilles ashes. It is a pretty mahoghany box with a picture frame in the lid, and I am happy to have a nice container to put her remains in but I am remebering her and the final appointment at the vet and I am as sad as I was on the day she died.

Thanksgiving Day Eve

OMG - I anm so happy that I just have to get through ONE MORE DAY and then I have some time off. I am training a new person at work, the disctrict and regional important people were there, plus I had a ton of end of the month stuf to do. But I got through it all and kept smiling and I just have to go through 8 little more hours....

more changes

I have lost over 24 pounds in the last 6 months. Yay me and yay giving up dairy and going vegan! I also don't get heartburn anymore, but still have heartache sometimes!

SGI

So I have been reading about Buddhism for a while, and my new book club just finished "Eat, Love, Pray" which I really liked. And today I went to an SGI meeting, which is a Buddhist group. I am not sure this is the way for me, but it was interesting. The wierd thing is that a co-worker of mine invited me. The manager at the day job had asked if I wanted to go to the Assembly of God church that she attends, which I would avoid like the plague, so to be asked to another "church" by a second co worker was strange but I am glad I went. S. went too, which really surprised me becausehe has always been anti-religion, but he really liked it. Well, I asked for change and I guess I am getting it.

bad thing

So yesterday the night job boss cooked up a storm for the office. I worked the day job til 7p then went for some pad thai. Unfortunately I was stressed and upset and over tired and I ate stuff at the night job. And then I purged.

I am going to a Buddhist meeting thing tomorrow and trying to make changes but my body and behavior are telling me it is not enough and I need to make adjustments NOW

Quickie

TGIF. Even though it is my 24 hour work day on Friday I am still glad the week is over. The day job was going to have a pitch in on Monday, but everybody seems to want to order the lunch in, so I am sortofhappynot to have to spend my Sunday making cheesecake, but I may choose to make some anyway.

Changes

I need to make some major changes in my life. I am not sure exactly how to go about it, but I just feel that I am where I am supposed to be right now, but that this is not the place for me to be very much longer. I am both terrified and exhilirated to change.

My job - the day one - is not using me to my full potential, but it can be a means to support myself while I look for something else.

The Predator - is not going to be the total package for me. But I am not ready to give that up yet either.

Texas - is not the state that I want to live in forever. I like the fact that it is sunny and warm, which I think is good for my depression, but I miss the seasons, and the fact that all year long seems like an endless summer doesn't help me to get motivated.

My body - I am treating it better than I have before, but I need it to last a very long time and in good shape, so I need to take the time to care for it more. I am taking a vitamin though, which is a good first step.

Dodged a bullet

So thebig deal inspection didn't happen - anpther branch got hit. My branch may still be surprised this year though. I hate it. All my piles of carefully made organization are now stuffed willy nilly into filing cabinets everywhere.

I left work today at 5:15 - and I hardly knew what to do with my whole evening off. So I made dinner, watched some tv and I think I am going to bed early - planning on staying until 6 or later tomorrow.

Pitch in at work on Monday, so Sunday I will be making some of the worlds best cheesecake - if I can figure out how to ship it frozen I may do a giveaway...

Ah Hell

Another branch of my company got a surprise inspection this week from CHAPS. That is the big deal review company. It looks like my branch is up this week too, which is causing major stress for everyone. There is a HUGE backlog of work to be done, and not enough people, so everyone is scrambling. HATE stress and really hoping our branch gets skipped.

Also, new favorite worst child name = Jathan. Yes, that's right. Not Nathan, not Jason, but the worst and most lispy sounding combination of the two. Poor bastard.

ouch

I had to go to the clinic today to get a second step PPD placed and shot one of three for Hep B. My arm hurts.

And other things hurt too - I think I have a UTI.

And my checking account is going to hurt tomorrow when I pick up my sleep meds. Granted it is a 4 month supply but $200 could be better spent on shoes, or other necessities like rent.

New Shoes!

Even though my boss has given me the ok to wear scrubs to work, I still like to dress up.



http://www.target.com/Mossimo-Velda-Patent-Oxford-Pumps/dp/B0017MVDO2/191-6747865-0445046?ie=UTF8&index=target&rh=k%3Avelda&page=1

I AM SLEEPING

Is it inconsiderate of me to expect that people who know I work 12 hours on Friday at one job and then 10 hours overnight Fridays to not freaking call me three times Saturday afternoon?

The Plan

Accordingto my latest plan, this will be my last full weekend atthe night job. But then again, last night I semi convinced myself that maybe I could do another 6 weeks and finish out the year. I think I could, but then I realized I still have to pack 65% of my stuff, find a newplace to live, and move, so I think this is it. And I think the fear has a lot more to do with being afraid of being on my own and alone then the money.

nothing to say

Lots of things are going through my head - The Predator, The Job, The Other Job, finding a place to move and moving in 6 weeks, could have been the one boyfriends from years ago. Guilt about Camille getting so sick and dying, regret formaking bad decisions, what to do over the holidays... and I can't write about it. I am so tired and maybe getting a little depressed.

70 posts

I have convinced myself to quit the night job. Actually about 85% convinced - I think this will be my last weekend, and next Friday my last night. Oh but the fear is already nipping at my heels that if I don't work and work and save every penny that bad things will happen. But I need to do this so I am going to have to make it work. Also, I am 80% convincedlast night was my last date with The Predator.

And Yay! Top Chef is back tonight!

Blah

So I decided to leave early from work, and by early I mean still clocking over an hour extra, so I could go home, play with The Woo (the cat) wash some dishes and generally create some balance. That was well and good until The Online Predator called and we went out until 9:30p. Now it is late, I am tired and I still need to take a shower and go to bed. I need to get a handleon my life before I crash again.

letter of the law

So I have been posting every day so far this month. And most have been very short. Iam following the letter of the NaBloPoMo law, but not the spirit.

There are so many things I think I could blog about, or would like to. I am smart, funny and creative, but I am just not able to express it all as much as I would like to. Plus I am still stupidly working 70 hours or more per week. And I am closer to burning out then I would like to have to think about.

I need to quit the night job. But I am afraid. I don't have a support system here, my credit is not all that great, my car is ancient, and what happens if I lose my job, or the car breaks or something else comes up. And in typing this, I am moreinclined to write WHEN the car breaks, and WHEN I lose my job. And I can't live in fear, but I have also been homeless and jobless and depressed before and I can't do that to myself again, but working so much is not and can not be the answer. In fact, over stressing my self ismostlikely going to cause me to lose myjob or to self destruct. But fear is a powerful force to reckon with, and I don't know what to do.

From PostSecret

This is a quote from PostSecret. I love the site and I love the quote. "We accept the love we think we deserve."

Saturday night

So I am off to the night job again- last night I had company at work- The Online Predator showed up, which was unexpected and naughty... and there is a mouse at work. I hate bugs, but I don't mind rodents, but I don't like them around my kitchen either, so the food at work is off limits to me, because the mouse does not respect my boundaries.

quickies

Lately, all I have had time topost are quickies. But I will have more on Sunday.

Today is my 24 hour day - working both jobs, and exhausted by morning. But I need the money, and I am getting closer to moving out on my own so I can do this.

Happy for other people

I am happy for my best friend. He bought a new truck, has repaired the roof of his chicken house, installed lights in his barn, and had a new love interest. And I am just happy for him. There are very few people in my life that I am just happy for when they are happy. Not because I am a scrooge, but because I just don't have a lot of people in my life who care for and about me as I do for them. And I love GEM.

YAY

Obama won. And there are a million writers and bloggers who are going to say more about it, and better than I could, so I will leave it at yay.

I am very disapointed in the prop 8 in CA votes. To me, that is simply legal discrimination and as Americans, even if you don't like homosexuality, we should be ashamed to blatantly ignore our own bill of rights that we have always been so proud of.

I voted, did you?

So I went to vote. Voting place was an hour from work, but I got mine in. I voted for Obama, and I hope he wins and makes some huge changes.

I am really sore today - massage therapist used too much pressure and I hurt..

I also had to replace a bulb for my cars brake light. The bulb only cost 97 cents, and the kid who worked at the parts store put it in for me so I gave him five bucks. Then I sort of wished I hadn't because he had a Jesus fish bracelet on, and I resent that. Oh well, he was still nice. I just don't see how people can disbelieve in Darwinism. I suspect it is the same scary thought process that makes some people believe The Holocaust never happened either.

Monday Monday

I only worked 8.5 hours today! Yay me! I left work and went for a much needed massage. The massage therapist went over the set one hour appointment which was wonderful.

This is my 60th post, so yay me again for my little old blog.
So, here are 10 things about me- I am not up for more than that!

1. I love jewelry - sparkly things are good.
2. My favorite color is pink - and I was not "allowed" to say that as a kid- mother issues
3. I don't think most florists roses smell all that great.
4. I have been admitted to a psych ward for depression.
5. I have been homeless.
6. I rarely floss.
7. I plot great revenge but rarely carry it out.
8. I am jealous when I call my best friend and his line is busy for hours.
9. I have taken LSD.
10. I make awesome cheesecake from scratch.

SundayStuff

Not a whole lot going on, but I am going to give the NaBloPoMo thing a shot and try and post every day for a month.

This may not happen, because I popped off my space bar to clear out the various fuzzies inside, and now it doesn't work as well, which is causing frustration and a whole lot of backspacing.

RIP Camille 1993-2008

Iggie on the left, Camille on the right

Thursday is going down as the second most horrible day of my life. I had to make the decision and sign permission for the vet to euthanize Camille. When I got to the vets office after work Thursday she was halfway gone already; I'd like to think that she hung on long enough to let me say goodbye and tell her I love her for the last time.

I have worked for a veterinarian before. I have assisted in the euthanasia of animals before, but to do this to my own baby was miserable. When Iggie died in January, he died at home, on his own, and I know he would have preferred it that way. It was slow and agonizing, but I am glad I was with him for it. With Camille, I know she was hurting and very cold - her body temp was only 95-ish, and cats should be at 101-102. So I am glad she didn't have to suffer anymore, but it still felt wrong to make the decision to end her life for her and have to sign the permission form.

Everyone has told me that at least she is not in pain anymore, but I am. And that is not going to get better for a long time. I know most people who see this will only see a picture of two black cats. But those who know me will know that this is a family portrait for me, because these two sweet creatures WERE my sole family for so long.

Camille

Camille is not doing well. She is my second cat. I have had her and loved her since the day her semi feral mother had her on our porch. She is 15.

She is losing weight, becoming tottery and cries alot. She needs to go to the vet and I am so scared that she may be worse than I think, which is already pretty bad. It hasn't even been a year since I lost my first cat and rhis may be more than I can handle without going pretty far into depression.

Camille has always been MY cat. She would follow me around and hop on my lap at any chance, even if I was in the bathroom. When I lived in a dorm for three months, she was miserable and wouldn't even let my father pay attention to her - she ended up with all sorts of infections caused by stress. She loves me.

And I always feel like I neglect her. Iggie was my first baby, and he was such a rotten little punk that he captured my attention with his naughty behaviors - I had to work to gain his affection. Since Camille has always been so easy, I fell horrible that she does not have the same amount of attention as Iggie did. And then I got The Woo, who cries if I am not in his sight, and again Camille got pushed to the side.

Maybe people who don't have pets won't understand all of this. But these cats have been my family for so long. During the really bad depression years, they were my only source of comfort and compantionship. They have lived with me thorugh 3 states, 11 residences, and 6 jobs. Iggie and Camille were always around for me when I just needed to have another living creature next to me to not feel so alone. And I just hope Camille knows that she is as loved as she is.

Same old stuff

Hello Internet world.

Nothing really new here - still working crazy 70 hour weeks, and burning out quickly. The boss finally arranged an interview (1, singular) and has apparently decided to go ahead with that person. I hope she works out because I am not able to keep this schedule up.

Things with The Online Predator are at a standstill - one of his daughters has moved back home and so since I still live with the ex and The Predator coming here is not an option, things have stalled. I have a million thoughts about this running through my head, most of which suggest The Predator has hit his expiration date. But I haven't made a final decision yet, and will give him the chance to talk before I do.

Texas is getting "colder" at night, which makes me laugh. I have lived in West Virginia, North Carolina, Indiana, Pennsylvania and Rhode Island. So what I consider to be "cold" is very different from what the locals do. People start bundling up when the thermostat says 65. I think that is a gorgeous fall day and don't even put on a sweater. Cold schmold. It's fall - enjoy the seasonable weather people!

Sunday is my only day off, and that is really only half a day since I work Saturday nights. BUT - Today I managed to do 3 loads of laundry at home, drag the massive down comforter to the laundromat, pick up a prescription, and hit the grocery store and bank. So yay me. Now I think it is nap time.

Doh!

I missed my new book club tonight. We read a book I was really looking forward to discussing, and I screwed up and thought it was tomorrow. Yeah, and I have been a staffing coordinator before, so you would think I could figure out a calendar.

Work continues - I was hired at the same time as another person, with me as the lead. She got fired on Friday and it was sort of my fault. Long story short, the other chick was on her cell texting most of the day, and worked crazy amounts of overtime for a new job. Problem was, after hours she would have her girlfriend and sisters, and probably random other people come to the office. The company I work for deals with medical stuff, so thereis a LOT of cinfidential paperwork around - names, DOB's, social security numbers. So, not smart to have people come and visit you for half an hour at a time. BUT, it was her birthday, and getting fired on your birthday has got to suck like nothing else.

So, good that she is not there wasting company time and money. Bad because there is a HUGE amount of backog to plow through, and no idea when another person will be hired. I was replacing a guy who stayed around for a week and a half to train me, but there isn't a person to train the other person, because our jobs are sort of different, so this should be interesting. And by interesting I mean stressful. I do like my new boss though and I think I will get along well with her and even though it is a lot of work I think I can do really well at it.

Exhaustion is creeping in though. The Online Predator (and really,I need to find a better alias for him) will be back this week, so that is good. Hopefully we can have a couple of early nights so I don't stay up past my bedtime.

I saw Quarantine on Sunday. Save your money folks. It is a cross between The Blair Witch Project and a cheesy carnival haunted house ride. So since the movie sucked, I bought myself two new pairs of shoes and then I felt better. Retail therapy is not as effective as I would like, but a momentary happiness is achieved. Plus the shoes are cute so I am gonna call it a win win.

Bad news for my brother G. He was laid off from his job. He has a very cool job of making neon signs - bending the glass, adding the neon, being crafty and arty. Unfortunately the evil compnay Yahoo pulled their account and layoffs were made. This really sucks for him because he has a degenerative spine condition and his former boss had been very willing to work around G's ability to work day to day. And his cat is due for vaccinations and has a little infection on his chin. I am going to send him a hundred bucks or so when I get paid this week, but that isn't alot of money. If I can figure out who and where his cats vet is I may try and prepay for the annual exam and any meds. I know what it is like to have a sick cat and no job, so I will help him as much as I can. And he knows I have dibs on a kidney if I ever need one...

G and I were never close growing up. It has really only been the last couple of years that we have talked about anything real - my family is generally not open to discussing anything other than the most banal subjects, and never discussing the flock of pink elephants in the room. It is such a pleasant surprise to be getting to know him, even if it has taken this long. I haven't actually seen him in over 10 years, but maybe soon we can arrange a visit. He is in California, and I would love to see the Pacific, so maybe when I accrue some vacation time I could fly out and see him. I don't think I will ever have a relationship with my sister or my other two brothers, and will likely never be on speaking terms with either of my parents. But I want to keep G a little closer.

fried

I am done.

I worked 70 hours last week, and will be matching it again this week - 5 ten hour days and 10 hours on Friday and Saturday. And I can't do it much longer.

I want to, because I need the money to move out and replace the MariaMobile. But I just don't know if I can.

Ovetime at the day job pays twice what the nights do. But the nights are very easy work, so I don't want to give it up. And the overtime doesn't seem to be drying up anytime soon either, so it makes sense to just work extra at the day job.

The Online Predator is vacationingin Puerto Rico for this week and next, which is kind of a relief because if he were here, I would probably push myself to spend time with him, and lose precious sleep.

I snapped at The Woo, who is the sweetest cat ever and seems to really miss me. He was winding around me, trying to mooch some people food and get some attention and I told him to scoot, and I NEVER talk to him in that tone of voice. I felt horrible. I got into a nasty argument with S., although I don't feel bad about that. I had told him very specifically what I needed at the store and yet he still managed to fuck it up because he doesn't listen, and I actually hate him at times.

All in all, I am desparate for sleep. I am not even going to finisdh watching Project Runway tonight because I need to go to bed NOW. And I really hope no one ruins the ending for me tomorrow.

I will post again this week, and will hopefully be in a better place, sleep quantity wise.

Twice! In one night!

That would be my Thursday night. I got pulled over. Twice. I was headed over to The Predators house, and I came to a 4 way and stopped. Luckily I also used my turn signal, because I got pulled over immediately.

My right front headlight was out. The cop was nice about it, but took my license back to his car to run the info, which made me very nervous. I have not been pulled over in ten years, and that was just for a registration ticket, so I don't have alot of experience with police pull overs. A month or so ago my debit card information was compromised, so during the looooooong wait to get my license back I went through at least a billion worries about my identity being switched with someone wanted for a felony. Luckily everything was fine and I was given a gentle warning. I continued on to The Predators house and stayed until 11:30 - on a work night which is maybe not so smart.

I got almost home and saw an oncoming car headed towards me. At the stop sign I saw that it was a police car and I just knew that the MariaMobiles missing light wasn't ging to go unnoticed. Sure enough, the cop car made a U Turn and pulled me over. This cop was a jerk. I told him I had gotten a warning a mere two hours ago and would be fixing the headlight in the morning. Jerk cop gave me a snotty lecture about how a warning didn't give me permission to drive in an unsafe vehicle. Yeah, I know. I also know it was almost midnight and Auto Zone wasn't open. I got off with a lecture.

Once home I spoke with S. and convinced him to go to WalMart (which I hate, but they were open) and buy a headlight for me. Which was very nice of him considering.

Things with The Predator are going very well in some ways and sort of strange in others. The Predator is divorced and apparently that is still in his mind because he is very wary of getting hurt. I am too - and I have more trust issues than I care to count - but right now I am just enjoying spending time with someone who tells me I am pretty and makes me laugh. And the naughty stuff is great too.

S. asked me if The Predator and I were "screwing around". I told him that that wasn't any of his business, and so he assumed that we are and told me that it makes him mad. This is a really strange position to be in - I still live with the ex, and we are being fairly civil to one another, but I am seeing a new man. Given that it was S. that nailed several of the final nails into our coffin, I guess I just don't see where he gets off having any concern over who I amy or may not be intimate with.

New job is going better than expected. I worked 50 hours there this week, and 20 at the night job on Fri and Sat night. I don't know how much longer I cna keep that up though - my guess is not long! I can live off of what I will make at the new job, and will do better with a little overtime, which is not a problem. Overtime at the new job is double what I make at the night job, so it makes sense to drop the nights, but then again, I don't really do much at night, so I am not willing to let it go yet. It does suck for me and The Online Predator though, because we don't have much time to see each other. Predator leaves today for a 2 week vacation in Puerto Rico (lucky sumbitch) and so maybe this two week break will give me needed time and space to figure out a routine at the jobs.

And in other exciting (at least to me) news, there is a new season of Charm School starting October 12th. For those unfamiliar with Charm School, it is a gawd awful reality show that featured the contestants from Flavor of Love and Monique as the Charm School Headmistress. Notable, there were commandments for Charm School such as "Thou shalt check thyself before thy wreck thyself". Yeah. It is THAT bad. And I will be watching every.single.minute of this particular trainwreck. I think this season the students will be those misguided bimbos from Rock of Love that are being educated in etiquette.

Choices

So I started the new job. The one I don't think I want. And I started a new relationship and I am not sure where that is going.

New job - pay is not all that great, benefits are ok, although no dental until I have been there a year, which sucks. New job is dealing with a lot of paperwork, and reports - and I don't get why in 2008, a company is still making zillions of copies and paying to UPS them overnight. Wouldn't a scanner and a good back up system work a little better?

I have also worked completely by myslef for the last 7 months, so this is a big adjustment. I am going to give the job a try for 2 weeks, and then make a decision. I am still applying and emailing for other open jobs.

New relationship - well, the online predator is turning out to be a very nice guy. Obviously I know he isn't perfect, but right now I am really enjoying my time with him. And yeah, we had the infamous 3rd date, which I am not very proud of, but it was great, and I am feeling much less depressed having human contact and company.

Unfortunately, S. is now trying to be nice to me and I am really confused by this. I suspect some of the attitude change is due to a new man being in my life. There is a pull to go back to the familiar, just because new things scare the bejeebers outta me. But I feel that there is just too much damage done between the two of us to make any relationship work there. But being civil to each other would be a good step.

I worked the night job on Friday and Saturday nights - Friday pretty much sucked because I was tired, and worse, bored. I didn't bring the book I need to read for the 2nd book club, so I didn't have much to do during the quiet hours. And my brain is a scary little monster when left to its own devices. I think if I remember to bring a book or movie then I can continue to work weekends and the day job. At least until the new year. Since I have a pitiful bank balance, I need to save up a little cushion and also replace the MariaMobile soon.

I have no idea what I am doing. With the jobs, with the online predator, with life in general. I sometimes feel like such a failure and the depression, which is never far away comes prowling around my head again. I have been very lucky in some ways, and I know I can survive worse things than what I am dealing with now, but I am over surviving. I need to thrive. And I just need some sort of cosmic sign that everythig is going to be ok.

Why I love GEM

I had another marathon phone call with GEM today. He is mostly thrilled that I survived the date with "My Online Predator" as he calls my date, and very happy that I have found a very nice man, who has so far been wonderful in every way.

So I ended up going to the predators house on Monday, and returned with bite marks all over my neck. Yeah, I know. Wanton slut much, Maria? It isn't that bad, but I have very pale skin and I bruise if you look at me funny, let alone touch me!

Anyway, the point of the post title is my conversation with GEM

Me: I went over Monday and hung out with the predator, (ok more made out than hung out) but then I had to wear concealer to my interview because there were bite marks on my neck.

GEM: Why would he bite your neck?

Me: Because I like it!

GEM: Oh. (lets it sink in) OOOOH!

YAY

Since I hit 50 posts, I was going to do a list of 50 things about me. Screw that. I just nabbed a black leather Kenneth Cole bag off of Craigslist for ten freaking dollars! Gorgeous, slightly bigger than a laptop carrier, perfect condition, bag for basically pennies. I love Craigslist! And I love my new bag.

Oh and yeah, I start my new job tomorrow.

I am alive!

I survived my date with my online predator!

We went to a really late showing of Lakeview Terrace. Loved the movie.

And I loved sitting in the dark wondering if there was going to be hand holding or whether there would be a good night kiss, and all the other things. There was. And holy crap I can see why people have one night stands - not that I did that! I have not been hugged by anyone but coworkers in 4-5 months. So there is temptation and craving of touch. And as much as I would love to be in a long term, stable relationship, there is something so exhilarating about being out with someone new and different and unknown.

And a tiny yay for me and my little blgo - I hit 50 posts!

OMG

OK, first the job interviews.

1. Interview for job I don't think I want. Interviewing chick was late. Only like 5 minutes, but no apology or acknowledgement of her lateness, which bothers me. Also, she asked if I had children which is one of the top ten HR no-no's. On the plus side, I get to go for a drug screen tomorrow. Whoo hoo? And a 2nd interview with interview chick and distruct manager on Tuesday.

2. Interview for the job I wanted. The doctor asked me what kind of medical practice I worked for before, I told him hair replacement. NO not plugs! Individually cut and placed hair follicles thankyouverymuch, which is a long and expensive procedure. Anyway, interviewing doc is losing hair and spent 15 minutes discussing surgical options with me before telling me he thought I was over qualified. Then WHY THE FUCK did he even have me come in for an interview??? I don't wish anyone harm, because that karma is a bitch, yo. HOWEVER, If maybe he was uneligible for hair replacement surgery I would feel vindicated somehow.

The good news? One, I bought a pair of jeans in a size smaller than I was, so yay freaking me! and Two? I have a date, sort of, tonight. I am meeting the email guy from Craigslist. Best friend GEM is referring to him as My Online Predator, which amuses him to no end. GEM works in a prison as a nurse and is able to screen any potential dates he has to see if they have ever been arrested. I don't have that info available to me, so if I don't post for a week or so, someone please inform the local authorities... We are going to see the new flick with Samuel L. Jackson - "pleasant terrace" or something. Yeah I am that lazy not to look online for a movie title.

This is so exciting, because I was in a very boring and bad relationship for 4 years, so new and interesting is a big deal to me.

I also had a couple of epiphanies about my life and what I need to do. More on that later.

My new book club selection is Come Back, by the Fontaines. I finished it last night and it was a very difficult read for me, and made me think a whole lot of not easy things about myself. More on that later too. Not going to do anything today that makes me weepy. Plus I am a little PMS-y so anything weepy could snowball. Happy thoughts only, kthxbai!

Good Luck to me

I have two job interviews tomorrow. TWO! One at a doctors office and the other for a DME company. Hoping like mad I will get the doctors office position. Have new and hopefully lucky navy suit ready to go, and all of my interview charm on deck for schmoozing.

Pay sucks in this area, so I will most likely keep the other job on Friday and Saturday nights, but I can do that - for a while anyway.

Talked to GEM for 3 hours tonight - discussed clothing for interview and everything else under the sun, including some very appreciated confidence in me and my abilities. I love GEM. He is such the perfect firend for me. I may not have had much luck finding a romantic life partner, but so glad I have GEM in my life.

WOW

I had a little epiphany last night. I LIKE going out and meeting friends.

I had truly forgotten that.

For the past year, I have been home almost every day. There were some weeks that I may have only left the house once or twice. Moving here, and not knowing anyone is truly horrible for me. And S. would never go out anywhere that didn't involve food, preferably fried, and even that was rare.

So I am not a total social butterfly, but being out last night for a book club made me feel happier than I have in a while. Since the first book club seems to be disbanding - several military moves - I was happy to see another member at the new one. And I have another fledgling book club meeting later this month. Things like this make me think that I just may be ok.

And now the snark.

I like books. I like people who like books. And I am not a total snob. HOWEVER, suggesting romance novels for a book club made me snicker, although inwardly so as not to be rude. Seriously, how much discussion about plot and foreshadowing are you gonna get out of any book with Fabio carrying a woman in a Victorian nightie on the cover?

Tuesday Generalities

So I have a new book club meeting tonight. This is the starter meeting, so I have no idea if it will last.

I am going to an office to fill out an app tomorrow, and there is a group interview on Thursday. I hate the group interview. When I did staffing and recruiting for an agency, I would have group interviews, but then again I was trying to hire as many people I could bill for as possible. When an employer is only looking to hire one person though, I don't think it works as well. The job market here truly sucks. I know that nationwide things are not the greatest, but I am widening my searches to places over an hour away and still coming up with very little.

Had a horrible fight with S. on Sunday. Lost control, said many things I should not have. I am apparently a very angry scared person, and not dealing very well.

On the plus side, my email buddy and I are getting along well. Unfortunately, today he emailed his cell number, and that just makes me want to put the brakes on. Yeah it would be nice if the first guy I talk to turns out to be "the one", but odds are stongly against that happening. I am not up for any relationship right now, let alone a rebound one. Plus, I am still in the same living quarters as the ex, so that would make things difficult to say the least.

I am tired, and considering taking anap, but I am afraid that I will start sleeping 20 hours a day again. Yeah, I said 20. I am that good of a sleeper when depressed. On a good day, I could go for 22 or more. But that isn't a goal I am trying to work towards.

I have been worse

That has been my mantra for the past couple of days. I have been worse. And I have. And I can (could I?) be better, but I am not sure I am up for fighting with the forces that be for decent mental health.

At the very worst, I remember having endless nightmares of being on a staircase, and being unable to move. I knew that I had to move, but just couldn't do it. My waking hours were not much better. My dreams as of late haven't been memorable, but the feelings of being immobile are creeping in.

I love Cyanide and Happiness

I don't think I copied this right, but you get the gist.

Attention Scientists

I believe I have made an important new discovery. I have, in my own house, an apparently new breed of cat fur. This mutant cat fur is no longer dependant on the actual cat for growth and reinfestation. This fur, when shed, will continue to grow and multiply on its own. It possesses an astounding ability to weave itself into virtually every fabric, and is resistant to sticky tape rollers. Mutant fur also can self inseminate, because even when there is just one strand of fur left, if you turn your back on it, it will have mysteriously become 4 or more.

One good thing, and OMG

The good thing. I have an online penpal. Its a divorced older guy, neither one of us is looking to hook up, and I am not sure we will even ever meet IRL, BUT it is a live person I can talk to, and I so needed that.

The OMG?
Tropic Thunder.
So I have always loved Robert Downey Junior. Back in the 90's I figured if I could just get to Hollywood, I could have him married, divorced and cashed the first alimony check before he even sobered up. Not great for a long term relationship, but one hell of a fun ride while it lasted, right?

But the best part is not even RDJ, though it saddens me to say it. Tom "Batshit Crazy" Cruise had the best fucking part in the movie, and I would have been willing to watch 15 more minutes of his roayl craziness. It is that funny.

I don't buy a lot of movies. There are very few that I will re-watch, and those that I do are always on re-runs - Steel Magnolias (Don't talk about me like I'm not here!), The Breakfast Club, etc. But I am for sure for sure renting this one for the special effects, and may eventually buy it on Amazon when it goes for five bucks or less. Cause I'm cheap.

And thank you, to Loyal Reader Jen for all the kind comments and just letting me know someone out there is hearing (reading?) me.

Static

Some days, I think that there are too many changes going on in my life. And others, not enough changes.

I think I am where I am because I need to be here, but I am not sure what exactly I am supposed to be learning in order to move on. I can see some patterns in my life that I want to change, and will work on being so passive about. But overall, I am just overwhelmed.

I have lots of job skills, but I haven't had jobs that lasted more than 2 years for various reasons - moving, quitting, boss dying. The jobs here and even in a 60 mile radius just don't seem to be what I am looking for.

I need to find a new place to live, after I find a job and I hate this. Not that I like where I am mind you, but change is too much for me sometimes. I have been here just over a year, and I still don't know anyone. Yeah, I meet with the bookclub, but it is disbanding, and I haven't really connected with anyone there. Co-Workers are not really an option either. I hate that I don't know how to get around TX very well, and I don't know the good areas from the bad in terms of finding a place to live. I am truly terrified of living without a support system. I have done it before and it isn't fun. If I get offered the job I interviewed for, I don't even know who to list for my emergency contact form.

I think I was doing ok without meds, but the more the situational depression is increasing, I think the more I am sinking. And I hate it. I am tired of crying.

Lost cause

I am a total moron. And I am ok with that. I was so proud of myself for applying online to a bunch of monster job listings. My resume states that I am detail oriented. Oh Really? Cause I apparently selected a resume from 2004, and not the current one. Yeah, the one that still says I am in Indiana. And does not mention my HR/payroll experience at all. Brilliant.

And this is on top of possibly faxing more than one cover sheet but not the resume.

Some days, I wonder how I made it this far!

Oh well. There are other jobs, and I have deleted the old resume, so I am moving onward.

I spoke to GEM last night. We always end up having these marathon 2 hour chats. Some poor bastard had applied at his job. The application there asks something like list a way that you wish you could improve. The poor bastard in question had listed that s/he wished s/he wasn't always tardy and didn't miss so much work.

OK folks, there is being honest on an application and then there is just shooting yourself in the foot. Repeatedly. Why not just list that you wish you could cut down on your petty thievery of office supplies and coffee filters?

I had my second interview for the position I am not sure I really want. We shall see how it goes. I am all excited to actually get a job though in some ways. I miss wearing office clothes, and this morning I was all dressed up and looked pretty fine if I do say so myself. Why can't I find a job as some "consultant" in a firm owned by my older and wealthy man of the hour and do nothing more than look pretty, play online games, and read blogs? Do those jobs still exist?

Good News!

After being told that I would hear back from the company "in a couple of days", which is closer to two weeks, I have been asked to come in for a second interview with the manufactured building company.

Still not thinking that I really want this job, but I really really really need a FT job, so I will take it if offered. Maybe it will be better than I imagine. Which, given that I am such a pessimist, seems likely.

Heres the thing that makes me think negatively about this job. When I was first called after sending in a resume, this woman, "G" called me to set up the interview. I asked who I should ask for when I arrived. She said her name was "G", but if I couldn't remember, just tell the receptionist I was here for the 2:15. OK, sweetie. I am an adult with 12 years of professional experience as well as some college education. I think I can remember a name, in fact I tend to write out interview information, I just wanted to know who I would be meeting with.

At the actual interview, I was sent in with "G" and another person "D". They introduced themselves and then condescendingly asked me if I knew the name of the job I was applying for. Straight the hell out of Sesame Street. I was so tempted to Southern Drawl it up and tell them that I was tryin to get myself hired here for the fry job at t'Burger King, but seein as how there ain't no pickles or mayo lyin around, maybes I'm in the wrong place and could these two ladies kindly he'p me out?

Luckily, I only had to talk to them for five minutes, then I was sent to meet with the man who would be my manager, who I liked, and who did not speak to me like I was five.

I have a major coupon dealio that expires tomorrow, so I am going to blow $200 for work clothes which will then give me $200 off a matching $200 future purchase. It has been a really long time since I bought a lot of clothes so I am way excited. More excited about the clothes than the job prospect.

I love this site

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/


That is all.

Meaner than a snake

Today I just feel mean.
Perhaps it is that I did not get enough sleep the last couple of days.
A smidge of the grumpiness may be blamed on PMS.
Some of it is due to the fact that half of the jobs in the paper turn out to be scammy - wanting me to sign up with their service, or pay a fee for the info.
But I have a nasty suspicion that this is depression irritability, and I don't want to go into all of that right now.

I am going to go to bed soon, forfeiting the new book club meeting, and gearing up to go to the bank tomorrow to see why I am still being charged fees for last weeks fuck up with my compromised debit card.

I really don't want to miss the book club start up meeting. On the one hand, getting out and meeting people is somethign that would probably be very good for me. On the other, I could end up alienating everyone and being bitter. And I have my old age reserved for that.

The way I see it, in another 10 years or so, I will be referred to as "Mean Ole Lady J____". Neighbor children will be afraid to retrieve frisbees or balls thrown in my yard. When a toy is launched over my inevitably high fence, the other children will pull back the toys owner and admonish him that they have a cousin, who knew this kid whose brother went in my yard once, and was never seen again, and ominously tell him that I didn't buy cat food for like 6 weeks after that kid disappeared...

I am not sure if I really need meds right now, so much as I need therapy, and possibly a life coach or six, but meds may come into play too. I hate starting over with new docs to begin with, especially given my long and varied prescription med history. I have been looking around for drug info though, and the one that I think may help is Adderall, which ok, is technically a little bit of an amphetamine.

I don't want to appear to be drug seeking, but the SSRI's didn't work, Cymbalta didn't help, Effexor was a horrific nightmare, and I just don't seem to get any better. I need to find a doc with a lot of experience with psychotropic medication (professional, that is, not personal or recreational, thanks). I wish you could interview docs for the position. If you make an appt, and don't like the doc, or don't think that it is going to be a good fit, you still have to pay, and since I don't have insurance, that is prohibitively expensive.

Long story short, I am grumpy and tired, and going to be for at least 12 hours in the hope that tomorrow will be better, and I will return to my normal sunshiny disposition.

Another good thing

My friend GEM had sent this to me. The Flippin church is near Tomkinsville Kentucky for all those wishing to attend.

2 good things

Two good things happened today. Not big ones like winning the lottery, but good nonetheless.

1. My order from Moonbeam Catnip Co. arrived. All three cats are stoned out of their little heads, and alternating between flying around the house and snoozing hardcore. Life is good for the four legged members of the house. Also, this is a great little company, and I prefer to do business with independant type places rather than buy from the giants.

The nip available at PetSmart is ok, but this stuff is way stronger. The funky nip smell emanating from the package had noses twitching and whiskers pooching forward in anticipation. And when I actually opened it, their was singing and dancing and general adoration. For the nip mind you, not me. They are still haughty cats and gratitude is generally an unfamiliar concept.

2. I scored 2 pants, 2 skirts and one shirt for 10 bucks off of Craigslist. Oh Craigslist how I adore you. In between all the GI's posting for NSA encounters and people offering "rod iron tables for sell" there are some good deals to be had.

Fuck me

No not literally, y'all.

I had a recheck appt. at the vet today, so I called the bank to see if I should swipe the card, or write a check. Bank number informs me, in that lovely computerized voice, that I am negative $91.23.

That was not right. So I went through the menu to see what checks or whatever had posted. There were 3 separate withdrawals for $100 each. Finally got through to a customer service guy at the bank, and all he said he could do for me was to give me the toll free number to reach the company that took the funds. That would be CCBILLS.COM

I would strongly suggest that you never do business with them. Turns out, some asshat had used my account info to play 300 bucks worth of online Texas Hold 'em. And the CSR I spoke with gave me a cancellation confirmation number.

So I called the bank back. Bank says they can't accept the digits, they need something on CCBILLs letterhead faxed to them.

So I call CCBILLS. According to their "supervisor" Antonio, they only have an incoming fax machine, and couldn't possibly assist me. WTF? In the whole company there is nopt a single fax machine that can be dialed out on? Hell naw. This says scam to me.

Back to the bank. Guy at the bank says I should close out my card, and go to the bank for help, that they will give me a temporary debit card, and send a new one. So I did.

Went to the bank. Luckily, my favorite banker chick Cindy was there, who helped me. The charges can't be dropped right away because I closed my card ON THE ADVICE OF THE BANKS CSR! Also? They do not issue temp. debit cards anymore, but a new one will be mailed to me in 5-10 days. Right hand of bank does not know what left hand is up to.

Right now, my identity is not worth stealing, although I might consider a trade....

Very happy that Cindy was there to help me, and I am going to send a letter to the head honcho of the bank and let them know how helpful she was.

Apparently I did not get the job at the manufactured housing company. I knwo its just a job, and really only the first one I have interviewed for, but I feel like a failure and all because I didn't get it.

Glad its over

So last night I went out to dinner with the boss and some coworkers. Can I be completely honest and say that next time there are thanks to be made, could I just have cash instead?

The 2 woworkers I do not like showed up. The loud dumb one came too, but I am surprisingly touched by her. I think she is just as, if not lonlier than I am, and she has no social skills whatsoever. And she is aware of the dearth of social skills, which is sad. More on that later in another post.

One of the ones I like came, and the boss.

Drinks were downed, but not by me - alcohol plus my sleep meds are a bad combination, yo.

Coworker #1 that I do not like slurped down a large bowl of pasta, and more bread than even I, an accomplished binger, would consider eating.

Coworker #2 that I do not like spent over 10 minutes begging everyone else to help her make the decision between steak and chicken for her. For fucks sake chicky, you are at least 30 years old and have 2 children. Grow the hell up and make a choice. It was chicken or steak, not a debate on ethics. Is it just me or are people like this just looking for attention?

I asked for a salad, telling the waiter dude no eggs, cheese or meat. What I got was a plate of wet iceberg lettuce, a couple of grape tomatoes, croutons, and some red onion.

Let me make it clear that I understand The Outback is a steakhouse. But really, y'all, iceberg, tomatoes and onion? And I didn't eat the croutons because they seemed to be re-assigned garlic bread, possibly made with butter and or cheese.

That was a pretty poor excuse for a salad. Not only because it just was, but for other reasons:
1. The is a spinach Cobb salad on the menu. So I know you have some spinach in the kitchen.
2. I ordered some sort of spritzer drink that came with lime, orange, and CUCUMBERS! So I know you have those too!
3. The regular salad includes shredded carrots. So maybe they came pre-shredded in the salad mix, but because I am irritated, I am going to go ahead and count carrots as another tasty ingredient that could have made its way into my salad.
4. And ok, so the gimmick is it's supposed to be an Australian* steakhouse. I don't care. Get some freaking Italian dressing. Your mustard vinaigrette was blah.
5. There is a side dish offered of steamed veggies, including peas, squash, broccoli, and maybe cauliflower?? So again, maybe these come frozen, pre mixed together, but I am not sure about that either, so I will consider them to be lost salad items too. Not that I wanted raw squash. And I don't eat peas in the pod. But still, more effort could have been made.

*Australian, really? Cause chicken fried steak is on the menu, and I thought that was a traditional southern AMERICAN dish.

The vegan things sort of sucks. I have not been 100% vegan for more than 24 hours yet. I have cheated with pasta, because rice pasta is just not the same, and soem cheesey Pirates Booty, and other things. But I really am trying to be better to my body.

I am so picky about food, and it is hard to stay on the straight and oh so narrow, but I think I do much better without dairy, and meat was never a big thing for me. I need to leran to try more food. Like fruit. I like mine fresh out of the can. But only peaches, pineapple and pears. I only get what is in fruit juice though, not the fructose syrup, but I know fresh is better than canned. Sometimes I buy fresh pineapple. I am not sure if I have ever actually eaten a fresh pear before.

Back to the dinner....(my train of thought jumps more tracks than AMTRAK)I was surprised by how well things went. No one ordered appetizers, and there wasn't any lingering after the meal which made it better. I still do not want to hang out in public with these people on a regular basis, but it wasn't as bad as I feared. Although I am not comfortable with people like this, I tend to get almost semi-manic and bubbly. But that really exhausts me. And the coworkers were not good conversationalists. I was surprised by how little the boss spoke. I don't know her very well, and I had hoped to learn a little more, but she is not a chatty cathy.

I missed my book club meeting last night - partially because the group leader didn't send the usual email reminder, and also because I went to this dinner. But that's just as well since I am only haLFway through the book I was supposed to read, and it is just not that interesting yet. I will most likely slog through it though, since I paid for it.

And speaking of paying for it, I am going to be so wiped tomorrow. I worke up before 10a, and haven't been able to get a nap. Napping is hard because I am unable to sleep without meds, and when I take the meds, I need at least 6 hours. I hope tonight is very slow at work, so I can snooze or veg out to the TV.

Job interview was ok. I may be offered the job, and if I am, I will most likely take it. I do not want it, but I am desparate for something full time with higher pay. IF, and these are a lot of ifs, I do take it, the challenge will be to keep looking for something better. This job is basically a glorified receptionist, and I am so over that in terms of education, experience, and skills. But I need a job, and I need to find a place to live, so I will take what I can get. I just have to keep reaching for more.

The job in question is basically M-F 8-5, but may require some hald day Saturdays. Because I need money, I am hoping to keep the current job, and work Friday and Saturday nights, possibly picking up a few hours during the week. I will post about money later, but I am monetarily manic depressive. I try and hoard it all, but then will spend wildly when I am depressed or bored. Buying new shoes on Amazon is slightly better for me than eating because I am bored, but it is a slim margin. I need my own personal 24 hour team of shrinks to sort through all of this!

Work Crap

Tonight, I am going out for dinner with my boss and coworkers. I don't want to go. I don't want to go to the nth degree, and if it wouldn't make me look just a wee bit undignified, I would stomp my heel, and cry a little over it. Since I am home alone, I could very well indulge in that behavior and no one but me would be the wiser...

A couple of weeks ago, one of our clients had some major issues, resulting in a lot of calls for us. So they sent a thank you letter. And tonight, boss is taking us out to thank us. This is all well and good.

What is not so good is that I am not really into socializing with my coworkers. Running down the list, we have:
2 people I truly dislike,
1 person who makes Kendra from the Girls Next Door look like a Rhodes Scholar, who can also not speak below the decibel level of a jet plane during takeoff
1 who has more mental issues than I do (I know!!!!),
1 person I like but who will probably not be there, and who is crotchety and very loud
1 person that I do like
and, the boss. I have worked at this job for 6 months and have seen the boss about 6 times. This is because I works nights Th-F-S, so I call her my invisible boss.

We are going to The Outback. A steakhouse. I am trying really hard to stick to the vegan diet. I called the restaurant yesterday, and they do not have anything vegan. I will end up with a salad, but will have to specify no egg, no bacon bits, no cheese, and please for the love of god no mushrooms. Not cause they aren't vegan, because mushrooms are evil and I hate them. I also do not want to be part of a big discussion I have already heard, many times, about why I am vegan, and "gee, I could never do it", and blah blah blah, live in Texas, state point of pride to eat meat...

Texas also still has smoking/non smoking sections, and because several workers smoke, we will be in the smoking section. Oh, and did I mention that the boss is paying for drinks as well?

Everyone else at this job has been there for 2-20 years. Again, I have 6 months. Not only do I not fit in, but I do not want to fit in.

I hate feeling this way. The boss called yesterday to make sure I was going, and announced where we were going - I just knew there were plans to go out, not where. I am such a bitch at times and can be very strong, but not on the important stuff, and I am not very good at just saying no. And I know that I could, theoretially, call the boss and say that there isn't anything on the menu that is vegan, and I am not comfortable going and watching people chow down on animal flesh, which really does nauseate me, but I don't really feel like I can actually do that.

I work for a very small company, which is extremely casual, so it isn't like I work with clients who expect to see me there, or that my attendance could mean the diff. between being made partner in a firm. But if I didn't go, I think I would be discussed at length (my god these people know how to gossip!) and that I would feel left out.

Then again, how much of this is just that I am really depressed, and uncomfortable, and hate any sort of change? Going out would probably be good for me, but I need different people to go out with. And going out with work people and people who do not know me well really does take quite a bit of effort. To keep smiling and making cheerful polite conversation for 2 hours is just a chore for me right now. I will not be discussing politics, money, mental health, family, or any books (cause this is a non reading group of mouthbreathers), or the cats at great length.

So yeah, I am totally Debbie Downer and feeling sorry for myself right now. Tomorrow will be better, right?

On the positive - and you didn't think I had a positive side didja?- I am trying again with FLYlady. www.flylady.net I have had the book for over a year, and made a lovely control journal, and then wondered why everything wasn't perfect. Yeah, the working at it part is what tripped me up. Gets me every time!

I made my bed this morning, and I am going to put away the clean dishes when I am done posting. Last night I made me habit forming reminders. Instead of using post-its for reminders, I got 4x7 cards with plastic photo sheets to cover them. This way I can keep them from getting humid and wrinkly in the kitchen and bathroom, plus they look pretty. And because the printer is way neater than my writing.

I do need to watch this though, since I do have perfectionist tendencies, and then I get overwhelmed and think that if I can't do something absolutely perfectly, then I shouldn't do it. So, I am taking the necessary baby steps. Wish me luck. Tonight at The Outback, and with FLY-ing.

The Olympics

So I was channel surfing and came across some gymnastics coverage from Beijing. This prompted the following thoughts:

1. In gymnastics, why do they call it a talent? Whenever the backstory is shown, it is almost always complete with the info that these girls have been training 6-8 hours a day since they were 3. Most of them compete in the Olympics at age 15 or so. Even though I am way out of shape now, I can guarantee you that if I had been training obsessively for 6 hours a day for 12 years, I would be able to do some amazing cartwheels and stuff too.

2. If we can have Ralph Lauren design the uniforms for the walking around ceremony, couldn't we pay some top hairstylist to fix the ratty ponytails and ohmygod SCRUNCHIES I see representing America?!?!?

3. I respect the Olympics for what they are. They have been around for centuries, great way to up national pride, blah blah blah. But, can you imagine, just for a second, that our top researchers, physicians, inventors, and teachers received even 1/10 of the recognition and glory that we are giving these athletes? Yeah, they are athletes. Just athletes. They can do amazing physical things. All of them can jump higher, run faster, and play tennis better than 99% of the rest of humanity. And some of them may contribute their time and money to some charitable work. But when our planet is hosting all eleventy seven million of us (yeah, its a number, look it up), more and more countries are driving more and more cars using more and more fuel, new diseases are running rampant, and I don't even know how many millions are going hungry, is a global event celebrating physical and not mental prowess really what we need to focus on?

And I have to think it is a huge let down for most athletes. Even if you win, and are noted in sports history for the rest of time, it is one moment in your lifetime, a speck in the greater scheme of things. Imagine that you are the researcher who invents cars that can run off of solar power, with 100% efficiency, and can be manufactured for 1/4 of what a standard engine costs. That is the sort of achievement that I think people should strive for. But in the meantime, lets all wear patriotic colors and cheer for the fastest one out there, you know, because that is who will keep your children safe and improve the world.

Cynical much, Maria?

Current thoughts in no particular order

Welcome to Texas, where even with the A/C cranking it is stll 85 freaking degrees inside.

I continue to fight with S. The heat is not helping. He insists on making things like spaghetti in the middle of the afternoon. With the temperature already over 80 inside, what would be a clever thing to do? Turn the stove on and boil pasta. Second top answer is using the dryer. Bonus points for doing both at the same time.

S. is SMRT.

I know it is wrong, but because he has pissed me off, I have thrown out his favorite boxers and another pair of shorts. This is small and petty, and I justify that it is just clothing, and nothing important, like his birth certificate. I really and truly do not play well with others. I may also be checking his email and myspace page. Don't hate. I know it is borderline creepy. And by borderline I mean sort of a lot. I don't really care so much about what he is doing, but I am really bored.

I am feeling ok today about my bank balance. Not gonna say how much, but I have been really prudent lately, and it is higher than it has been for a while. Still waiting to get a real job to watch the numbers climb and feel safer.

The Woo - seems to be getting better. The diarrhea seems to have stopped, since he is on a probiotic. The vet insisted that the powder was tasty, and I wouldn't have to mix it in his food to get him to eat it. Well, I ended up having to stir it into the stinky wet food. Not because he won't eat it, but because that is all he wants to eat. Stinker. But I love him so, and I will mix it in.

I don't want to be a crazy cat lady. Really I don't. But lately this cat has been really helping me keep it together. Whenever he wakes up and does not know where I am, he will cry until I call out to him, then he will come running up to me, so I can scoop him up and cuddle him. The other two cats just don't give me that much attention unless their bowl is empty. Camille is 15 and grumpy, so I don't expect much from her, and Biki is a halfwit at best. But The Woo is all about following me around and being a love. And somedays I need the unconditional love, no matter that it comes from a cat.

I have done another couple rounds of binge and purge. Not so bad on the bingeing, really just meal sized amounts, but the purging is starting to concern me. I searched online and learned that rinsing with baking soda can help reduce the acid, but I think baking soda would make me gag, so the benefit may be eliminated...

Is anyone else watching "The Secret Lives of Women" on the chick channel? I am. There are some truly strange people out there. In comparison, I am only odd, not strange. I did learn a new term though from the show. HeteroFlexible. Which I gathered as being pretty much the same as bi-sexual, but feeling the need to try and call it something else. The whole thing struck me as funny, and pretty similar to "Suede" on Project Runway calling himself "Suede" and speaking in the third person.

I watch a lot of strange TV. I work at nights, and there is a TV, and little work to do. Sadly it is just basic cable, and I would love it if people would be so kind as to wait for commercial breaks to call in with their petty problems. Kthx. A couple of weeks ago, there was a rerun of one of those pseudo documentaries on child pageants. I am going to hell for this (and other reasons, to be sure) but in the middle of this show about children in swimsuit competitions, there was an ad for Pos-T-Vac which is a penis suction pump. Are the programmers on this channel as warped as I am, or does nobody check for these issues?

I think pageants are basically kiddie porn, and the mothers seem clearly unfulfilled in their lives and live vicariously through their poor kids. But the names do make me laugh. Instead of just 1st, 2nd, or third place, they use Miss Supreme Grand Pretty Princess and other ridiculous titles, and the crowns are literally 18-24 inches tall, if not taller, and sort of ugly. And ohmygod the level of hostility between the mothers of the contestants! It is brain killingly bad entertainment, but at 3 am, the choices are limited.

I also learned that one of the chick channels has a QVC type show late at night, selling various erotic devices. I was channel surfing throught the other infomercials and heard the phrase "clitoral stimulation". I was sure that I hadn't heard that right, since it is only basic cable, but there it was - two genteel 30 ish women in a softly lit, lavendar backdropped set, discussing the merits of their high priced(?) vibrators. I went back to the channel surfing, but I am going to try and watch it again and see if they have any chatty callers phoning in to speak to the hosts and tell them how pleased they were with their product and how wonderful the color selection and quality are. Does anyone else remember the episode of Mamas Family where Mama gets addicted to the Home Shooping Network?

Luckily, I can also bring my DVD player in, and sometimes watch movies that way. I adore the little RedBox kiosks for DVD's. A buck a night is a pretty sweet deal. Plus, if you go online, you get a freebie, and I am all about the cheap and the free. Which may lead to some google hits for my blog...

I signed up for e-harmony, but I am not persuing it right now. I may see if I can pause my account. I was really curious to see if I would pass their screening process. There is an commercial for another matching service that says eHarmony turns down a lot of people because of their 29 dimensions. Considering I have a history of Major Depressive Disorder and a few other issues, I was surprised that I was let through. I am not entirely sure that my personality profile is quite accurate though. That isn't entirely based on poor self esteem though. I didn't think the questionnaire dug that deep, and also, I think everyone sort of polishes their selves a little on these things, like a resume.

I am not really looking for anyone right now though. I am still living with S, although we have had separate bedrooms for over a year, I think I am going to need some alone and single time. Plus I totally feel fat and ugly right now, so probably not a good starting place for a relationship, no?

A coworker gave me a Starbucks gift card. I have been vegetarian on and off for 16 years, and leaning to wards vegan now, but I have a hunch that this gift card is going to to towards a couple of vanilla cupcakes. Their chocolate ones look great, but taste gross, and not chocolatey. Usually I am not much of a vanilla fan, but these cupcakes rock. Plus they keep them in the freezer, and I love frozen cake. If you truly want to hurt your body, try freezing double stuff Oreos. Yum. I haven't actually had Oreos in over a year, because they are just plain bad for me, but every once in a while I think back on the frozen ones. I used to know some serious potheads, who introduced me to things like that, which I called Stoner Gourmet. Another tasty snack I picked up back in the day? Pringles with Muenster cheese. Good times - 10 years ago when I was young, and carefree and had a contact high.

And that wraps up this installment of Marias World. Thank you for visiting and please wait until the ride comes to a complete stop before exiting.

The Woo

Today I took Woo to the vet. A new vet.

He has been having issues with diarrhea for a while. I took him to another vet before, who I just did not like. I had been feeding him Science Diet prescription I/D, for about a year but he managed to have diarrhea. The bad vet told me that that food wasn't adequate nutrition, and changed him to Purina prescription diet. Woo did not eat it very well, continued to have diarrhea, and lost weight. He is the only cat I have ever had that was so picky about food. If he doesn't like it, he does not eat. No matter how hungry he gets.

I also took Biki to the same vet practice 3 times, and each time saw a different vet. So I decided to make a change.

A long time ago, I wokred for a VMD. I loved that job! Plus I got free vet care! So I am really picky about vets. The new vet today actually listened to me, asked valid questions about my baby, and gave me a script for a supplement. Sort of like a pro-biotic for cats. He said that some vets had reported it being successful in stimulating their appetites. He was right!

For the first time in like ever, The Woo was actually interested in food! He ate all the food I gave him! Usually he will nibble around the edges and pick at food, so this was amazing! Plus, this new vet is way cheaper than the last one. If needed, I would sell my kidney as a donor on the black market to pay for vet care. The little beasties mean so much to me. But I would rather not have it come to that, so I am happy to have found a vet I like and who will not need a sacrificial organ!

I had to list the name of my pet on the form. I put down Edgar, which IS his official name. But he never gets called that. When I found him, he was a stray. I posted notices everywhere online and called vets in the area. Nobody claimed him. I already had two cats, so I refused to name him, cause once you name them, they are yours. I managed to go for two months calling him 'Squishface' or 'FancyPants' before I realized that I wasn't going to find his previous owners.

Since he has a haughty Persian face, I decided he needed a grumpy old man kind of name, so he became Edgar. Which soon became Eddie. That led to Edissimo, which begat MoMo. Somewhere along the line, he became Dude. Then Dudearoo, then, and this is really sad, Dudeawoo. So while he may be named Edgar, he answers to Dude or Woo. And that boys and girls, is the saddest reason I should never have children.

Things running through my head

1. This whole blogging thing - I post a blog, and I am happy things are current, and then before I know it, a week has gone by with no post. Somehow I don't think I would be able to do NaBloPoMo's month long every day posting thing.

2. Job Search. This totally sucks. The area I am in has the worst economy I have ever experienced. The pay here is literally half what I had been making in Indianapolis, but yet the cost of living is about the same, except double the utility bills because of needing the A/C all the time.

A coworker at the night job gave me a heads up for a job at the comm college she works at. The pay is only $9.33 an hour though, and there is no freaking way I can honeslty live off of that unless I want to share the cats food. And also? The college will only pay for one class per semester. I thought that was totally cheap, since a lot of colleges offer free tuition to their employees and their children. I will probably apply for it, just to see how it goes, but unless they are willing to bump up the payscale, I don't think I can do it, free class or not. Plus, they pay once a month, and budgeting is a four letter word here in Marias World. I can come up with wonderful plans, all sorts of strict and stingy, but its the sticking to it I have a problem with.

I so hate job searching. It feels so desparate, like waiting to be picked for a team in gym class. That and ok, there may be some creative writing on my resume.

I know that when you go on an interview, you are supposed to be all about being a team player, and positive and energetic, but I am not feeling that way. I would love to be able to go into an interview and state that I enjoy working by myself, with limited coworker interaction, unless I like the said coworker(s), and find them intelligent. I would love to be able to say that really, I want the job with the company because there are good benefits, and I get liberal amounts of time to surf the net on company time. I would be thrilled if I could be honest and state that I understand that every company needs certain rules and regulations, but, really could we use a little more common sense when it comes down to it, and not need a separate chapter in the employee handbook for every possible situation?

I actually haven't gone so far as to call or email my resume anywhere. The plan was to get up early today and miraculously be organized. So now I have decided that will happen tomorrow. I need to take one of the cats to the vet tomorrow as well, so at least I will be forced to get up, get dressed, and get out of the house.

3. I am still sort of mired in depression, if you couldn't tell. I am still stuck living with S., although that relationship is dead and over with. Last Sunday, S. asked, completely out of the blue if sex was an option. I was proud of myself for telling him that was the most pig-ish thing he had ever said to me, and making it completely clear that sex was not and will not be an option. He then asked if I never just got horny. Which is so not the point. Apparently I am good enough to fuck but not good enough to be in a relationship and grow together with.

I am starved for human companionship though. And touching. It has been at least 3 weeks since I have gotten a hug from anyone and it is killing me. I truly think that touch is just as important as the other senses and I am totally deprived. Which is not only sad, but if and when I ever go on a date with another man, I don't want to be all clingy, but, I really need some quality touch time.

4. The last bad thing I am going to mention. I totally binged last week at work, and then puked. Luckily I work alone at nights, so no one was there. Backstory on this, is that certain professionals may have told me I am bulimic. I don't think so, since it isn't that often, and, honestly? I need to lose wiehgt, and it is effective. Side tangent - why do people think it doesn't? If you puke soon enough after a meal, you are not going to have all the extra calories, and I have lost weight (not that much) before, when it was a little more problematic. I think that maybe it isn't effective if you indulge in a truly monstrous binge. Mine wasn't that bad. Or maybe it doesn't work if you only purge after bingeing. If you do it after every meal it is very effective. Not that this blog is going to go all pro-ana.

So far my plans for being normal when I grow up are failing miserably.

I love Goodwill

After watching Mamma Mia, I saw a t-shirt hanging at the register of my local Goodwill.

"If you talk during the movie, I hate you. "

It wasn't my size and I did not buy it, but I adored it all the same. Then I thought about if I made a t-shirt for every occasion I hated something and felt the world needed to know.

1. If you are unkind on a regular basis for no reason, I hate you.
2. If you don't tip your server because you are ignorant and cheap, I hate you.
3. If you yap on your cell phone while driving and do not use your turn signals, I hate you.
4. If you do not neuter or spay your pets, I hate you.
5. If you do not have a sense of humor, I pity you.

As for the movie, meh. I love Meryl Streep though, and she still looks so amazing.

RIP Buster

GEM called me this morning. His dog Buster had been sick last week and just died. I am not sure what caused it, he was only a little over a year old and the other 3 dogs are fine.

This sucks. I lost my kitty after 17 years in January, and I am still devastated when I think about it. Not to make this about me though. What I am getting at is that I know how bad GEM is hurting and I hate that I can't do anything to make him feel better. I called him back and left a message saying I was sorry and all, but there is not a single thing that will make it hurt any less and I hate to see the people I care about in any pain.

GEM is battling his sister in a lawsuit over the estate of their father and aunt, has not been in a steady relationship for several years, works in a prison, which is depressing as all hell, but still manages to send cards and gifts to friends and family on every holiday on the calendar. Not everybody "gets" him, but those who do are very lucky to have him in their lives. Some people think he is gruff, but he is such a softie. His horses are basically lawn ornaments, since he just enjoys having them and does not ride them. And his dogs provide much needed company, and scare off raccons and other critters from the chickens. Buster is going to be missed.

Unfortunately, GEM firmly believes that bad things happen threes. 2 months ago, Busters sister Lucy, who lived with GEMS mothers, was hit by a car and died, in front of GEMs mothers. I hope that the bad things stop happening at two, because GEM doesn't need another loss.

I love you GEM, I miss you, and I would do anything to make this better if I could.

Today is a bad day

Today just isn't good. And if I even hear a single verse of that song that says "cause you had a bad day..." I will puke.

I got up early, with good intentions, and I am just not getting anything done. I went out, planning on seeing a movie, that was listed on the theaters website, and when I got there, it is no longer playing. So I went back home, feeling grumpy all over, low on cash, and slightly desparate. Not desparate enough to go trolling for a 'date' on Craigslist, but still...

I am beginning to think that this is not just situational depression, it may be worse. I told my previous doctor and therapist both that depression is like a road runner cartoon, and I am the coyote. I keep running around and then by the time I realize how bad things are, I am way between the cliffs, with a loooong drop below. I hate this, and I resent it and I am angry all over that I can't seem to get better, meds or not. And no, inpatient therapy is not an option. I tried that for a week once upon a time and all I got out of it was a large bill and the loss of my job.

There is more to the story about my family, for a much later date, but depression apparently was encoded in the family DNA about 16 generations ago or more. But we don't talk about It. I know from a cousin, that my grandmother tried to kill her pregnant self by stepping in front of a subway train, but some good samaritan saved her, thus allowing the spawning of my mother, the original Bad Seed. In my family, we don't wait for post partum depression. No, this is an area we excel in, so why wait? And better yet, why not just keep breeding more people with depression and not discuss it or treat it?

A little more on the fam - apparently my mother had hip surgery some time last week. She will be 70 this year, and has also had a heart attack and other health issues. I have not been in contact with her in 12 years. Thats not just me, mind you, she doesn't call or write to me either. I have not spoken to my father in 8 years. They are still married, but I could call my father at his work number and avoid her if needed. Anyway, I am hoping that the hip replacement went well. Not so much because I care about her health, safety, and or comfort, but if something serious happens (death, coma, stroke, etc.) I may be summoned, and I? Am just.not.ready. to deal with the family right now. Out of the three brothers and a sister that I have, I only keep in touch with my middle brother, and dealing with the rest of them en masse is more than I can deal with not only now, but possibly forever. And given mommie dearests health (and dads too - diabetes, prostate cancer), and their age - both will be 70 this year, it seems unlikely that we can continue down the miserable path of dysfunction very much longer.

So today is a bad day and I am angry about the following things, in no particular order:
1. That I am depressed.
2. Again.
3. That I spent the first 20 years of my life feeling like crap and not knowing why.
4. That even when I realized there was a name for this, knowledge didn't fix anything.
5. That I have spent the equivalent of a hefty down payment on a home over the past 12 years trying to medicate and therapize (is that a word?) myself to normal levels. Seriously, at times I spent $500 a month on antidepressant meds.
6. That there is so much more I am feeling and I can't deal with it enough to even keep typing. What I really want to do is go take a fucking nap, but if I go lay down, I won't sleep unless I take the sleeeping meds, and if I do that, I will probably sleep for 14 hours and then feel bad about it.
7. That I have lived here for over a whole year and haven't made a single friend here. I am horribly lonely, and that isn't helping things.
8. I think the MariaMobile needs some sort of brake work, and I can't afford it, but then again, you can't afford not to have brakes either. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

What's wrong with his mouth, and why is it brown?

I adore my friend GEM. He and I totally get each other and have the same wickedly warped sense of humor. GEM has 4 dogs. Wednesday, while we were talking on the phone, they came tearing inside his house. One of them, Buster, paused at the door, near GEM, then bolted inside, and scampered around the corner, clearly trying to avoid notice. Not so fast, little guy. GEM noticed and asked the now infamous question above. GEMs dogs are small, sleek, black and white terriers. Busters mouth was now fluffy and brown. Because it was full of squirrel. Still warm and twitchy, but dead, squirrel. Ew.

GEM has a small creek running through his little farm. He wanted to send the squirrel down the river so to speak. To his freaky neighbors house. A little back info on the neighbor.

1. They are some strange cult of some sort.
2. They have a large handmade billboard in their yard with some Bible quote on it.
3. They have 3 or 4 teen boy children, who are only allowed outside to do chores.
4. Said children are surprisingly normal considering they are homeschooled, and by that I mean they are taught limited ideas from the bible, by their HS dropout mom, and given liberal viewings of Little House On The Prairie.
5. 2 summers ago, one of their horses died, of mysterious causes. The horse was dragged out of the barn by the whole famile, and covered in sheeting. Then it sat for 4 days until they had it hauled away.

All in all, GEM doesn't really care for the neighbors, although the boys have helped him clear some pasture with him. I suggested that he make a small sign of a 3x5 card saying "Repent Sinners" tie it on the rodent, and fling it on the neighbors porch. It is a very good thing that the two of us can cackle together over evil ideas, and not actually do them, yes?

I have known GEM for 8 years now, and I am so happy to count him as a friend. His actual initials do spell out GEM, which is amusing to me, because he has more jewelry than he knows what to do with. His house is like a pirates treasure trove with jewelry boxes everywhere. He is very generous, and my collection of "real" jewelry has increased significantly since I met him. I am looking forward to buying him a special piece of jewelry for our 10 year anniversary of being best friends, but the man already owns more jewelry than King Tut. And people say women are hard to shop for.

GEM does not have a computer or know how to access the internet. I love being able to find an out of print book he has been combing thrift shops for, in a matter of seconds, on Amazon, and sending it to him. I feel like the Wizard of Oz. It seems amazing that I can find things, but really anyone could do it. I asked GEM why he didn't have a computer, because surely he would love it and become hooked on it. He replied that that is exactly the reason he has never done crack either.

I hate the DMV

Remember when you were a kid, in kindergarden, and you would willingly smile for the school photographer, and loved picture day? The school photogs in my school always used to call us all something, like Princess, or Strawberry Shortcake, or something else. We would all giggle and compare names we had been called.

Welp, then you grow up. You may or may not realize you do or do not photograph well. And you are not so quick to grin at anybody with a camera, least of all the DMV. Texas is the most primitive state for driving. In Pennsylvania, for instance, all of the testing and pictures are done on a computer. The BMV there was clean, and still slow, but efficiently slow, if you know what I mean. Then I moved to Indiana. Tests there are given on a xerox of a xerox of a xeroxed xerox. Little circles to fill in on a number two pencil, and graded by people with possibly an 8th grade education who enjoy lording their position over you. But at least the pictures are computerized, and you can look before it is finalized.

Not so in Texas.

Last week, I decided it was high time to transfer my license and car registration. I showered the night before and even slept with rollers in my hair so I could have a perfect glam look. I figure if I have to carry the license for 6 years, it may as well look as hott as possible. I got up the next morning and did a full makeup job, even putting the slightly sparkly white eye shadow in the corners of my eyes so they would look bright and cheerful in the picture. I wore a simple black low cut shirt and felt pretty good about the whole thing. Until I got to the DMV.

The wait time was not all that bad, considering. I got there, took a number, then saw a notice that they do not accept credit or debit cards. But they do accept checks and cash. And I had neither. On a quick aside, why would the DMV not take credit or debit cards? Wouldn't there be less risk of bounced checks and all that mess? Anyway, we left and drove to an ATM. When I got back, I still had just enough time to fill out the evil forms. When my number was called, the fevil (think about "fugly", and you get fevil) woman took my drivers license, social sec. card and birth certificate and whisked them away without explanation to have them checked by her supervisor. They apparently passed muster and she returned with them. Then she snottily explained that they would be ok, since the names matched. Well duh. I am not and have not ever been married. So the name on all three documents is exatly the same. Because this is a military oriented town, she had assumed that I had moved here to marry some GI, and had a maiden name issue. Had she checked them first, I would not have had to gothrough that moment of big brother panic.

Then she asked if I had a car to register. I said yes and she informed me, with no small amount of glee, that I would have to register my car first before getting my license. Primitive Texas Part Two. The DMV does not handle car registrations. That is in a separate building. Because thats logical and convenient. That wouldn't have been a problem, expect the whole reason I was going to get my license first was because I had no idea where I had put my cars title. So I went home and decided an afternoon at the lake would make me feel better. In the hunt for sunscreen (SPF 1000 for the lovely and pasty Glow White here) I found the title, on the shelf near the door so I wouldn't forget it...

I went to another branch of the tax assessors office, far away from the DMV with their evil employees and paid dearly to register my car. Keep in mind that I drive an ancient 18 year old Camry. Yeah, it's old. But, I have not had car payments in 10 years, it has slightly less than 130,000 miles, and oh yes, gets 30 miles to the gallon bitches. I love the MariaMobile. $172.30 to register my car. Plus inspection. $40 dollars alone was for the freaking sticker! Indiana does not require windshield stickers, only plate stickers, and annual registration there was less than $60. Considering this is the oil state, I expected my $40 sticker to come with an ounce of black gold, but no such luck. Some days I seriously hate the government.

So anyway, now that my car is registered, on Monday I am going to make another go at getting my license. I will re-do the hair, fab makeup and cleavage baring top. I will go to the DMV, wait in line, fill out paperwork, and get my picture taken. Then, I will get a piece of paper stating my license ison the way. 7-10 business days later, I will actually get the license. No picture ID inbetween, which means I will have to prepurchase the booze to erase the DMV memories. And I am betting that the DMV person deliberately trying to catch me with my eyes half closed will not call me an endearing name like Princess.

And so I'm back. Without a trace.

I may be a little depressed. I think it is all situational, so I am just keeping an eye on things and not actively seeking to do anything about it. I am not oversleeping, as I am prone to do when really depressed, and I am keeping tabs on other thoughts and behaviors, and I think I can ride this out.

I keep thinking of things I could blog about, but I don't. So now I will. Totally random thoughts.

1. Is there anyone out there who is actually still buying premium gas? Seriously, regular is $4, who can afford the $4.50 and up stuff?

2. Why do the biggest most horrible spiders come into MY house? The worlds largest spider, and no I am not exaggerating, was killed in my kitchen mere hours ago. I am still creeped out. It was like a rogue extra from "Arachnophobia" had taken up residence here. I do have a bug phobia - diagnosed by a licensed professional - but I am not kidding when I tell you the fucker was 3 inches long. That was just the body. Good news, the spider was sprayed with (bad news) insect killer, and slithered to the floor. Then it got squooshed with a shoe. Not one of mine. Good news. The the shoe was placed on a chair. Bad news.

See the thing about phobias is, they are, by definition, not rational. I think it is perfectly rational for both the shoe and the chair that touched the shoe that touched the spider to be thrown out or Freecycled. Owner of the said shoe disagrees, and may have mumbled something about "ridiculous" while leaving the scene of the spidercide.

This is not the first or last time this is going to happen. A long time ago, when I lived in PA, there was a megalegger on the wall. Thats a centipede for those of you not in the know. I was very brave and smashed it with a cardboard box. I remember swinging at it, eyes closed, and yelping. So then the bug was dead, but the corpse remained on the wall. I had to ask a friend to come over to remove it. Friend arrived, cleaned bug bits off the wall with proffered paper towels, and placed the towels and bug bits into a trash bag. Friend then washed hands, per my frantic instructions, and then reached for the paper towels, picking the roll up by the center. I told him that he would now need to take the paper towels with him or throw them out, because his hands, that touched the paper towels that touched the dead megalegger, had now touched my roll of towels, and they were now tainted. I can see how this might seem extreme. I really can. But bugs and all things bug related horrify me. Remember those old screen savers, the ones where different bugs would crawl across the screen? Yeah. I couldn't handle those.

3. Why do little children instinctively kick my chairs? And why do their parents do nothing?

Number three is slightly less bad than number 2, and I will explain. Last February, I flew to Florida for a nice relaxing vacation. 1st flight, from Indy to Tennessee, I get seated in front of a 3 year old monster named Shayla, and her stupefying ineffective mother, name unknown. Every other word out of SI Moms mouth was Shayla. As in "Shayla, sit." "Shayla, let's be good now." "Shayla, look out the windows." "Shayla, do you want some juice?" Shayla Shayla Shayla. We hadn't even taken off yet and I knew this wasn't going to be good. Minutes into the flight and precious Shayla is kicking my chair. SI Mom noticed, and started with a litany of Shaylas. Included were requests for her to be good for mommy, remember how we promised to behave now, if you behave you get a toy.

OK, so I don't have children, but I know this much. If you have a child and you ask them a question, you are giving them the opportunity to disagree. So don't be surprised when they do. So when you ask your precious darling Shayla wouldn't she like to take a nap now, and she says no, it seems ridiculous to try and force the kid to sleep against her stated will.

Anyway, I told my seatmate that if the kid behind me kicked my seat again, I was going to tell her the truth about Santa Claus. Luckily Shaylas father overheard me, and maybe I purposely said it louder than necessary, but dad stepped in and gave the child something to occupy her rotten self for the rest of the flight.

So today, I went to see Hancock. Not going to spoil it for anyone, but I would save your money for a netflix rental of it when it comes out. Halfway through the movie, there is kicking and thumping on my chair. I let it go the first 10 minutes or so, which is breaking all bounds of my patience. Then I said that the brat behind me better quit kicking my chair. Kicking stops for 5 minutes, then is resumed. This is in a brand new theater, with big aisles, and plenty of room. Plus, it is a child behind me, so it isn't just a long legged individual fighting to get comfortable.

So I turned around and faced the little dick in training. I gave it the death stare and said "would you please stop kicking my chair" in a semi threatening voice. The evil seed looked at me sullenly, and full of resentment. The kid was seated with other children, no responsible adult in sight, the dick in training was maybe 8 or 9. The kicking was only occasional after that, but there was snorting and giggling involved. And then I did a bad thing.

After the movie let out, everyone rushed into the hallway. Damian (I am guessing at the name) was alone, near the wall. I walked by, on my way to the ladies room, and I brushed into him (the person I was with said I hip checked him. Whatever). I looked at him, made eye contact and offered a breezy "Sorry!" and kept on walking. And I got another vicious stare in return. Yeah, he was a child, but a rotten one, so I don't feel bad. And also? Where were the parents? They were seated in another section of the theater (same movie) and they were all together after I got out of the restroom. My first guess would be that the kid is so miserable that his own parents didn't even want to acknowledge him in public.

I fully realize that I clearly do not have the patience to raise a child(ren) of my own anytime soon. When a 32 year old gets into a virtual pissing war with a 8 year old, that doesn't bode well for either one. And I suppose any responsible, good parent reading this may be offended. But you know what? If this little future dicks parents had been doing a better job, or hey, maybe not letting the child sit unattended, none of this would have happened. And next time, I am sitting in the very last row at the movies.

I am a total fan of Liam Kyle Sullivan. And if you haven't seen the newest Kelly video "Booty Call", I suggest you head on over to YouTube and check it out, betch.