So in 1983, I was in a pretty serious car mishap. I got hit, run over, and dragged by a Buick.
A Buick driven by a young, sweet girl named Ginger. I remember Ginger visiting me in the hospital. She brought me a CareBear. I loved Ginger. She was kind and her family were a lot of things my own family was not. I eventually went over to her house on weekends for sleepovers. When she got married, I was the flower girl.
Ginger and I kept in touch for several years, but after I moved to Pennsylvania we lost contact. She is on Facebook. I would like to send her a message, letting her know that I still thought about her and hope she is happy. But I worry that that would seem stalky. I haven't actually talked with her since 1993 or so. And although she was always very kind to me and sort of adopted me as her little sister, I don't know that she would want me to just pop up in her life right now.
Showing posts with label my life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my life. Show all posts
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Motherhood?
So S. and I have been considering the idea of having a child.
This would be an unimaginable change in life for me.
I am selfish. I resent people and things who wake me up. And I am 34. Not to mention the supraventricular tachycardia issues and prescription sleeping pills.
I am not sure I will be able to go through with this.
Also, I knew me when I was a child. I suspect my genes will be dominant. Can the world handle a mini me?
Example: I was about 6 years old. Old enough to know better, but that whole "good judgement" thing has never been my strong suit. My brother Jeremy and I were home alone one evening. If I was 6, Jeremy was 9. That means he was older and should have also known better, and possibly had better judgement. Back to the genetic thing though...my familys crazy was built to last y'all.
Anyway, we were home alone and apparently bored. And evil. The evil probably hasn't changed much. We lived with a wonderful dog named Brownie. She was well behaved, patient, and never caused problems. But she was afraid of the vacuum. Jeremy and I ran through the house with the vacuum. Around and around, with the terrified dog desparately trying to hide. One of us came up with the brilliant idea to flick the lights on and off. Great fun, until the fuse blew.
Mom and Dad came home to find two subdued children, no lights, and a trembling dog. Like any child confronted with the question of "What the hell did you do?", we developed amnesia and said "nothing".
Dad replaced the fuse and we were let off the hook. I think, on his behalf, that doing any detective work would probably just open a very large can of worms. I think it was a choice that Dad made to not investigate what truly happened.
Dad never really seemed intersted in being an active and involved parent. My father was the curator of a very large childrens museum, but avoided his own small children frequently. Most of the staff at the museum at my fathers level worked Monday through Friday. My father chose to work Tuesday through Saturday. That meant he only had to deal with his family on Sundays. On Mondays all the kids went back to school and Mom to work. I understand the ned to have time for yourself, but I also think that it shouldn't come at the cost of your family.
My mother was abusive and neglectful. It is hard to write that. It was hard to believe that. It took many years and many therapists to help me se that I am not a bad person, and I was not a bad child. I had bad parents. And don't tell me that "they did the best that they could", because that is not the case. Both of them are college educated, and neither were beaten in their childhood homes. Both of them worked as teachers in public schools and had training and experience in dealing with children.
I feel feral in a way. I know that things were different with Jeremy and with me. We are the youngest children in a family of five children. I think that maybe my parents tried more and harder with the first two. Less with the middle child. And not at all with me. I was left on my own, at home, for hours when I was five. I was allowed to, and encouraged to make my own breakfast. Including scrambling my own eggs over the gas stove in a heavy iron pan. I was responsible for pretty much all of my own care - bathing, dressing, grooming, entertainment. I was allowed to ram the neighborhood at will and at random for hours.
I realize that 150 years ago, it would have been common for small children to handle tasks that are now handled by adults. I do think that children need to learn things as they are able, and under a supervised atmosphere. Children should not be left to their own devices and not shown how to interact appropriately with the world.
I worry that I will have that sort of passive/ "I don't want to know" attitude with a child of my own. I worry that I will have a child that does those sort of things. I worry that I will be a bad parent, and that my child will choose not to speak to me for over 10 years, as I have.
Part of me really truly wants a daughter of my own, to raise and care for. To do a better job with than what I had. To teach and to love and to experience the world with. But I hold back because I am afraid I will not do a better job. That I will, in fact, do an even worse job and create another unhappy person.
I talked to my Nurse Practitioner about this. She is very smart and I respect her opinions on most things medical. She said that she came from a jacked up family, but that when it is your own family you can change the patterns. I hope she is right. If I do decide to have a child, I am going to fight as hard as I can to have the most happy and well adjusted child I can possibly create, because failure is not an option.
This would be an unimaginable change in life for me.
I am selfish. I resent people and things who wake me up. And I am 34. Not to mention the supraventricular tachycardia issues and prescription sleeping pills.
I am not sure I will be able to go through with this.
Also, I knew me when I was a child. I suspect my genes will be dominant. Can the world handle a mini me?
Example: I was about 6 years old. Old enough to know better, but that whole "good judgement" thing has never been my strong suit. My brother Jeremy and I were home alone one evening. If I was 6, Jeremy was 9. That means he was older and should have also known better, and possibly had better judgement. Back to the genetic thing though...my familys crazy was built to last y'all.
Anyway, we were home alone and apparently bored. And evil. The evil probably hasn't changed much. We lived with a wonderful dog named Brownie. She was well behaved, patient, and never caused problems. But she was afraid of the vacuum. Jeremy and I ran through the house with the vacuum. Around and around, with the terrified dog desparately trying to hide. One of us came up with the brilliant idea to flick the lights on and off. Great fun, until the fuse blew.
Mom and Dad came home to find two subdued children, no lights, and a trembling dog. Like any child confronted with the question of "What the hell did you do?", we developed amnesia and said "nothing".
Dad replaced the fuse and we were let off the hook. I think, on his behalf, that doing any detective work would probably just open a very large can of worms. I think it was a choice that Dad made to not investigate what truly happened.
Dad never really seemed intersted in being an active and involved parent. My father was the curator of a very large childrens museum, but avoided his own small children frequently. Most of the staff at the museum at my fathers level worked Monday through Friday. My father chose to work Tuesday through Saturday. That meant he only had to deal with his family on Sundays. On Mondays all the kids went back to school and Mom to work. I understand the ned to have time for yourself, but I also think that it shouldn't come at the cost of your family.
My mother was abusive and neglectful. It is hard to write that. It was hard to believe that. It took many years and many therapists to help me se that I am not a bad person, and I was not a bad child. I had bad parents. And don't tell me that "they did the best that they could", because that is not the case. Both of them are college educated, and neither were beaten in their childhood homes. Both of them worked as teachers in public schools and had training and experience in dealing with children.
I feel feral in a way. I know that things were different with Jeremy and with me. We are the youngest children in a family of five children. I think that maybe my parents tried more and harder with the first two. Less with the middle child. And not at all with me. I was left on my own, at home, for hours when I was five. I was allowed to, and encouraged to make my own breakfast. Including scrambling my own eggs over the gas stove in a heavy iron pan. I was responsible for pretty much all of my own care - bathing, dressing, grooming, entertainment. I was allowed to ram the neighborhood at will and at random for hours.
I realize that 150 years ago, it would have been common for small children to handle tasks that are now handled by adults. I do think that children need to learn things as they are able, and under a supervised atmosphere. Children should not be left to their own devices and not shown how to interact appropriately with the world.
I worry that I will have that sort of passive/ "I don't want to know" attitude with a child of my own. I worry that I will have a child that does those sort of things. I worry that I will be a bad parent, and that my child will choose not to speak to me for over 10 years, as I have.
Part of me really truly wants a daughter of my own, to raise and care for. To do a better job with than what I had. To teach and to love and to experience the world with. But I hold back because I am afraid I will not do a better job. That I will, in fact, do an even worse job and create another unhappy person.
I talked to my Nurse Practitioner about this. She is very smart and I respect her opinions on most things medical. She said that she came from a jacked up family, but that when it is your own family you can change the patterns. I hope she is right. If I do decide to have a child, I am going to fight as hard as I can to have the most happy and well adjusted child I can possibly create, because failure is not an option.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
MY! NEW! CAR!
So last Thursday, the fomer MariaMobile died. It was a 1990 Camry that I had owned for 13 years and I loved it. Lot of history in that car. Three states, several jobs, uncounted nervous breakdowns - that car saw me through all of it and always worked. I will miss the Camry. I cleaned it out today at the garage it was towed to. The TOYOTA CAMRY thing from the back side of the car was pried off and I will hang on to it.
There is a lot more to this car though. This car was a major component in why I do not have a relationship with my parents. In 1996, I killed the first ever MariaMobile by not putting oil in it. For 2 years. Yeah, I know..... In my defense, no one ever really schooled me in the basics of car maintainence. I DID periodically put oil in it. When the oil light would come on, I would drive to WalMart, buy a bottle and put half of it in. How it lasted 2 years like that is a miracle.
So, the first MariaMobile died a violent horrible death due to overheating and cracking the engine block. I am very lucky though, the car very possibly could have exploded while I was driving it.
So, I was living on my own, working at an animal hospital 30 hours a week for less than 7 bucks an hour, could not afford a replacement and had no credit. I was also living with an undiagnosed case of major depression. My parents paid for the Camry with the understanding that I would pay them back for 4 grand. And I tried. I took a second job at Taco Bell (ugh). Then I was hospitalized for a week - depressions a bitch, y'all, and lost my job. I don't think I was actually suicidal at that point, but the facts were that I worked at an animal hospital, had access to euthaniasia drugs and the knowledge of how to start an IV. I was considered to be risky to say the least.
Job loss plus hospital bill did not help the depression and things spiraled way out of control, including my first eviction. Contact from the parents stopped, and I was too embarassed and ashamed to ask for more help. I did become close to my cousin Missy, who provided endless hours of phone therapy - most of it collect calls. Thank you Missy! Through her, I learned that there is an extreme family history of depression. My grandmother apparently even tried to commit suicide while pregnant with my mother by jumping in front of a subway, but a "good samaritan" "saved" her..... thus allowing the crazy to go on another generation.
My personal situation gradually improved, with some fluctuations here and there, but the relationship with my parents was broken. I kept in touch with my father for a while, calling him at work sometimes, but never getting calls from him. It has been 8 years since i have spoken to him, and 12 since I have talked to my mother.
So, the loss of the Camry was a big emotional whirlwind for me. The car had served me well for 13 years and I am thankful for it.
My new car is a lovely 2001 Volvo. I adore it. It has butt-warmers, sun and moon roof (those crazy Swedes!), buttons galore, and even the little windshield wipers for the headlights. I am proud that my credit and downpayment allowed to me to buy such a wonderful car. I will be paying on it for some time, but I think I can handle it. It is bittersweet though.
Also? Hello Charlie! Thank you for reminding me about my blog neglect!
There is a lot more to this car though. This car was a major component in why I do not have a relationship with my parents. In 1996, I killed the first ever MariaMobile by not putting oil in it. For 2 years. Yeah, I know..... In my defense, no one ever really schooled me in the basics of car maintainence. I DID periodically put oil in it. When the oil light would come on, I would drive to WalMart, buy a bottle and put half of it in. How it lasted 2 years like that is a miracle.
So, the first MariaMobile died a violent horrible death due to overheating and cracking the engine block. I am very lucky though, the car very possibly could have exploded while I was driving it.
So, I was living on my own, working at an animal hospital 30 hours a week for less than 7 bucks an hour, could not afford a replacement and had no credit. I was also living with an undiagnosed case of major depression. My parents paid for the Camry with the understanding that I would pay them back for 4 grand. And I tried. I took a second job at Taco Bell (ugh). Then I was hospitalized for a week - depressions a bitch, y'all, and lost my job. I don't think I was actually suicidal at that point, but the facts were that I worked at an animal hospital, had access to euthaniasia drugs and the knowledge of how to start an IV. I was considered to be risky to say the least.
Job loss plus hospital bill did not help the depression and things spiraled way out of control, including my first eviction. Contact from the parents stopped, and I was too embarassed and ashamed to ask for more help. I did become close to my cousin Missy, who provided endless hours of phone therapy - most of it collect calls. Thank you Missy! Through her, I learned that there is an extreme family history of depression. My grandmother apparently even tried to commit suicide while pregnant with my mother by jumping in front of a subway, but a "good samaritan" "saved" her..... thus allowing the crazy to go on another generation.
My personal situation gradually improved, with some fluctuations here and there, but the relationship with my parents was broken. I kept in touch with my father for a while, calling him at work sometimes, but never getting calls from him. It has been 8 years since i have spoken to him, and 12 since I have talked to my mother.
So, the loss of the Camry was a big emotional whirlwind for me. The car had served me well for 13 years and I am thankful for it.
My new car is a lovely 2001 Volvo. I adore it. It has butt-warmers, sun and moon roof (those crazy Swedes!), buttons galore, and even the little windshield wipers for the headlights. I am proud that my credit and downpayment allowed to me to buy such a wonderful car. I will be paying on it for some time, but I think I can handle it. It is bittersweet though.
Also? Hello Charlie! Thank you for reminding me about my blog neglect!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
SGI
So I have been reading about Buddhism for a while, and my new book club just finished "Eat, Love, Pray" which I really liked. And today I went to an SGI meeting, which is a Buddhist group. I am not sure this is the way for me, but it was interesting. The wierd thing is that a co-worker of mine invited me. The manager at the day job had asked if I wanted to go to the Assembly of God church that she attends, which I would avoid like the plague, so to be asked to another "church" by a second co worker was strange but I am glad I went. S. went too, which really surprised me becausehe has always been anti-religion, but he really liked it. Well, I asked for change and I guess I am getting it.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Monday Monday
I only worked 8.5 hours today! Yay me! I left work and went for a much needed massage. The massage therapist went over the set one hour appointment which was wonderful.
This is my 60th post, so yay me again for my little old blog.
So, here are 10 things about me- I am not up for more than that!
1. I love jewelry - sparkly things are good.
2. My favorite color is pink - and I was not "allowed" to say that as a kid- mother issues
3. I don't think most florists roses smell all that great.
4. I have been admitted to a psych ward for depression.
5. I have been homeless.
6. I rarely floss.
7. I plot great revenge but rarely carry it out.
8. I am jealous when I call my best friend and his line is busy for hours.
9. I have taken LSD.
10. I make awesome cheesecake from scratch.
This is my 60th post, so yay me again for my little old blog.
So, here are 10 things about me- I am not up for more than that!
1. I love jewelry - sparkly things are good.
2. My favorite color is pink - and I was not "allowed" to say that as a kid- mother issues
3. I don't think most florists roses smell all that great.
4. I have been admitted to a psych ward for depression.
5. I have been homeless.
6. I rarely floss.
7. I plot great revenge but rarely carry it out.
8. I am jealous when I call my best friend and his line is busy for hours.
9. I have taken LSD.
10. I make awesome cheesecake from scratch.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Same old stuff
Hello Internet world.
Nothing really new here - still working crazy 70 hour weeks, and burning out quickly. The boss finally arranged an interview (1, singular) and has apparently decided to go ahead with that person. I hope she works out because I am not able to keep this schedule up.
Things with The Online Predator are at a standstill - one of his daughters has moved back home and so since I still live with the ex and The Predator coming here is not an option, things have stalled. I have a million thoughts about this running through my head, most of which suggest The Predator has hit his expiration date. But I haven't made a final decision yet, and will give him the chance to talk before I do.
Texas is getting "colder" at night, which makes me laugh. I have lived in West Virginia, North Carolina, Indiana, Pennsylvania and Rhode Island. So what I consider to be "cold" is very different from what the locals do. People start bundling up when the thermostat says 65. I think that is a gorgeous fall day and don't even put on a sweater. Cold schmold. It's fall - enjoy the seasonable weather people!
Sunday is my only day off, and that is really only half a day since I work Saturday nights. BUT - Today I managed to do 3 loads of laundry at home, drag the massive down comforter to the laundromat, pick up a prescription, and hit the grocery store and bank. So yay me. Now I think it is nap time.
Nothing really new here - still working crazy 70 hour weeks, and burning out quickly. The boss finally arranged an interview (1, singular) and has apparently decided to go ahead with that person. I hope she works out because I am not able to keep this schedule up.
Things with The Online Predator are at a standstill - one of his daughters has moved back home and so since I still live with the ex and The Predator coming here is not an option, things have stalled. I have a million thoughts about this running through my head, most of which suggest The Predator has hit his expiration date. But I haven't made a final decision yet, and will give him the chance to talk before I do.
Texas is getting "colder" at night, which makes me laugh. I have lived in West Virginia, North Carolina, Indiana, Pennsylvania and Rhode Island. So what I consider to be "cold" is very different from what the locals do. People start bundling up when the thermostat says 65. I think that is a gorgeous fall day and don't even put on a sweater. Cold schmold. It's fall - enjoy the seasonable weather people!
Sunday is my only day off, and that is really only half a day since I work Saturday nights. BUT - Today I managed to do 3 loads of laundry at home, drag the massive down comforter to the laundromat, pick up a prescription, and hit the grocery store and bank. So yay me. Now I think it is nap time.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Good News!
After being told that I would hear back from the company "in a couple of days", which is closer to two weeks, I have been asked to come in for a second interview with the manufactured building company.
Still not thinking that I really want this job, but I really really really need a FT job, so I will take it if offered. Maybe it will be better than I imagine. Which, given that I am such a pessimist, seems likely.
Heres the thing that makes me think negatively about this job. When I was first called after sending in a resume, this woman, "G" called me to set up the interview. I asked who I should ask for when I arrived. She said her name was "G", but if I couldn't remember, just tell the receptionist I was here for the 2:15. OK, sweetie. I am an adult with 12 years of professional experience as well as some college education. I think I can remember a name, in fact I tend to write out interview information, I just wanted to know who I would be meeting with.
At the actual interview, I was sent in with "G" and another person "D". They introduced themselves and then condescendingly asked me if I knew the name of the job I was applying for. Straight the hell out of Sesame Street. I was so tempted to Southern Drawl it up and tell them that I was tryin to get myself hired here for the fry job at t'Burger King, but seein as how there ain't no pickles or mayo lyin around, maybes I'm in the wrong place and could these two ladies kindly he'p me out?
Luckily, I only had to talk to them for five minutes, then I was sent to meet with the man who would be my manager, who I liked, and who did not speak to me like I was five.
I have a major coupon dealio that expires tomorrow, so I am going to blow $200 for work clothes which will then give me $200 off a matching $200 future purchase. It has been a really long time since I bought a lot of clothes so I am way excited. More excited about the clothes than the job prospect.
Still not thinking that I really want this job, but I really really really need a FT job, so I will take it if offered. Maybe it will be better than I imagine. Which, given that I am such a pessimist, seems likely.
Heres the thing that makes me think negatively about this job. When I was first called after sending in a resume, this woman, "G" called me to set up the interview. I asked who I should ask for when I arrived. She said her name was "G", but if I couldn't remember, just tell the receptionist I was here for the 2:15. OK, sweetie. I am an adult with 12 years of professional experience as well as some college education. I think I can remember a name, in fact I tend to write out interview information, I just wanted to know who I would be meeting with.
At the actual interview, I was sent in with "G" and another person "D". They introduced themselves and then condescendingly asked me if I knew the name of the job I was applying for. Straight the hell out of Sesame Street. I was so tempted to Southern Drawl it up and tell them that I was tryin to get myself hired here for the fry job at t'Burger King, but seein as how there ain't no pickles or mayo lyin around, maybes I'm in the wrong place and could these two ladies kindly he'p me out?
Luckily, I only had to talk to them for five minutes, then I was sent to meet with the man who would be my manager, who I liked, and who did not speak to me like I was five.
I have a major coupon dealio that expires tomorrow, so I am going to blow $200 for work clothes which will then give me $200 off a matching $200 future purchase. It has been a really long time since I bought a lot of clothes so I am way excited. More excited about the clothes than the job prospect.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Glad its over
So last night I went out to dinner with the boss and some coworkers. Can I be completely honest and say that next time there are thanks to be made, could I just have cash instead?
The 2 woworkers I do not like showed up. The loud dumb one came too, but I am surprisingly touched by her. I think she is just as, if not lonlier than I am, and she has no social skills whatsoever. And she is aware of the dearth of social skills, which is sad. More on that later in another post.
One of the ones I like came, and the boss.
Drinks were downed, but not by me - alcohol plus my sleep meds are a bad combination, yo.
Coworker #1 that I do not like slurped down a large bowl of pasta, and more bread than even I, an accomplished binger, would consider eating.
Coworker #2 that I do not like spent over 10 minutes begging everyone else to help her make the decision between steak and chicken for her. For fucks sake chicky, you are at least 30 years old and have 2 children. Grow the hell up and make a choice. It was chicken or steak, not a debate on ethics. Is it just me or are people like this just looking for attention?
I asked for a salad, telling the waiter dude no eggs, cheese or meat. What I got was a plate of wet iceberg lettuce, a couple of grape tomatoes, croutons, and some red onion.
Let me make it clear that I understand The Outback is a steakhouse. But really, y'all, iceberg, tomatoes and onion? And I didn't eat the croutons because they seemed to be re-assigned garlic bread, possibly made with butter and or cheese.
That was a pretty poor excuse for a salad. Not only because it just was, but for other reasons:
1. The is a spinach Cobb salad on the menu. So I know you have some spinach in the kitchen.
2. I ordered some sort of spritzer drink that came with lime, orange, and CUCUMBERS! So I know you have those too!
3. The regular salad includes shredded carrots. So maybe they came pre-shredded in the salad mix, but because I am irritated, I am going to go ahead and count carrots as another tasty ingredient that could have made its way into my salad.
4. And ok, so the gimmick is it's supposed to be an Australian* steakhouse. I don't care. Get some freaking Italian dressing. Your mustard vinaigrette was blah.
5. There is a side dish offered of steamed veggies, including peas, squash, broccoli, and maybe cauliflower?? So again, maybe these come frozen, pre mixed together, but I am not sure about that either, so I will consider them to be lost salad items too. Not that I wanted raw squash. And I don't eat peas in the pod. But still, more effort could have been made.
*Australian, really? Cause chicken fried steak is on the menu, and I thought that was a traditional southern AMERICAN dish.
The vegan things sort of sucks. I have not been 100% vegan for more than 24 hours yet. I have cheated with pasta, because rice pasta is just not the same, and soem cheesey Pirates Booty, and other things. But I really am trying to be better to my body.
I am so picky about food, and it is hard to stay on the straight and oh so narrow, but I think I do much better without dairy, and meat was never a big thing for me. I need to leran to try more food. Like fruit. I like mine fresh out of the can. But only peaches, pineapple and pears. I only get what is in fruit juice though, not the fructose syrup, but I know fresh is better than canned. Sometimes I buy fresh pineapple. I am not sure if I have ever actually eaten a fresh pear before.
Back to the dinner....(my train of thought jumps more tracks than AMTRAK)I was surprised by how well things went. No one ordered appetizers, and there wasn't any lingering after the meal which made it better. I still do not want to hang out in public with these people on a regular basis, but it wasn't as bad as I feared. Although I am not comfortable with people like this, I tend to get almost semi-manic and bubbly. But that really exhausts me. And the coworkers were not good conversationalists. I was surprised by how little the boss spoke. I don't know her very well, and I had hoped to learn a little more, but she is not a chatty cathy.
I missed my book club meeting last night - partially because the group leader didn't send the usual email reminder, and also because I went to this dinner. But that's just as well since I am only haLFway through the book I was supposed to read, and it is just not that interesting yet. I will most likely slog through it though, since I paid for it.
And speaking of paying for it, I am going to be so wiped tomorrow. I worke up before 10a, and haven't been able to get a nap. Napping is hard because I am unable to sleep without meds, and when I take the meds, I need at least 6 hours. I hope tonight is very slow at work, so I can snooze or veg out to the TV.
Job interview was ok. I may be offered the job, and if I am, I will most likely take it. I do not want it, but I am desparate for something full time with higher pay. IF, and these are a lot of ifs, I do take it, the challenge will be to keep looking for something better. This job is basically a glorified receptionist, and I am so over that in terms of education, experience, and skills. But I need a job, and I need to find a place to live, so I will take what I can get. I just have to keep reaching for more.
The job in question is basically M-F 8-5, but may require some hald day Saturdays. Because I need money, I am hoping to keep the current job, and work Friday and Saturday nights, possibly picking up a few hours during the week. I will post about money later, but I am monetarily manic depressive. I try and hoard it all, but then will spend wildly when I am depressed or bored. Buying new shoes on Amazon is slightly better for me than eating because I am bored, but it is a slim margin. I need my own personal 24 hour team of shrinks to sort through all of this!
The 2 woworkers I do not like showed up. The loud dumb one came too, but I am surprisingly touched by her. I think she is just as, if not lonlier than I am, and she has no social skills whatsoever. And she is aware of the dearth of social skills, which is sad. More on that later in another post.
One of the ones I like came, and the boss.
Drinks were downed, but not by me - alcohol plus my sleep meds are a bad combination, yo.
Coworker #1 that I do not like slurped down a large bowl of pasta, and more bread than even I, an accomplished binger, would consider eating.
Coworker #2 that I do not like spent over 10 minutes begging everyone else to help her make the decision between steak and chicken for her. For fucks sake chicky, you are at least 30 years old and have 2 children. Grow the hell up and make a choice. It was chicken or steak, not a debate on ethics. Is it just me or are people like this just looking for attention?
I asked for a salad, telling the waiter dude no eggs, cheese or meat. What I got was a plate of wet iceberg lettuce, a couple of grape tomatoes, croutons, and some red onion.
Let me make it clear that I understand The Outback is a steakhouse. But really, y'all, iceberg, tomatoes and onion? And I didn't eat the croutons because they seemed to be re-assigned garlic bread, possibly made with butter and or cheese.
That was a pretty poor excuse for a salad. Not only because it just was, but for other reasons:
1. The is a spinach Cobb salad on the menu. So I know you have some spinach in the kitchen.
2. I ordered some sort of spritzer drink that came with lime, orange, and CUCUMBERS! So I know you have those too!
3. The regular salad includes shredded carrots. So maybe they came pre-shredded in the salad mix, but because I am irritated, I am going to go ahead and count carrots as another tasty ingredient that could have made its way into my salad.
4. And ok, so the gimmick is it's supposed to be an Australian* steakhouse. I don't care. Get some freaking Italian dressing. Your mustard vinaigrette was blah.
5. There is a side dish offered of steamed veggies, including peas, squash, broccoli, and maybe cauliflower?? So again, maybe these come frozen, pre mixed together, but I am not sure about that either, so I will consider them to be lost salad items too. Not that I wanted raw squash. And I don't eat peas in the pod. But still, more effort could have been made.
*Australian, really? Cause chicken fried steak is on the menu, and I thought that was a traditional southern AMERICAN dish.
The vegan things sort of sucks. I have not been 100% vegan for more than 24 hours yet. I have cheated with pasta, because rice pasta is just not the same, and soem cheesey Pirates Booty, and other things. But I really am trying to be better to my body.
I am so picky about food, and it is hard to stay on the straight and oh so narrow, but I think I do much better without dairy, and meat was never a big thing for me. I need to leran to try more food. Like fruit. I like mine fresh out of the can. But only peaches, pineapple and pears. I only get what is in fruit juice though, not the fructose syrup, but I know fresh is better than canned. Sometimes I buy fresh pineapple. I am not sure if I have ever actually eaten a fresh pear before.
Back to the dinner....(my train of thought jumps more tracks than AMTRAK)I was surprised by how well things went. No one ordered appetizers, and there wasn't any lingering after the meal which made it better. I still do not want to hang out in public with these people on a regular basis, but it wasn't as bad as I feared. Although I am not comfortable with people like this, I tend to get almost semi-manic and bubbly. But that really exhausts me. And the coworkers were not good conversationalists. I was surprised by how little the boss spoke. I don't know her very well, and I had hoped to learn a little more, but she is not a chatty cathy.
I missed my book club meeting last night - partially because the group leader didn't send the usual email reminder, and also because I went to this dinner. But that's just as well since I am only haLFway through the book I was supposed to read, and it is just not that interesting yet. I will most likely slog through it though, since I paid for it.
And speaking of paying for it, I am going to be so wiped tomorrow. I worke up before 10a, and haven't been able to get a nap. Napping is hard because I am unable to sleep without meds, and when I take the meds, I need at least 6 hours. I hope tonight is very slow at work, so I can snooze or veg out to the TV.
Job interview was ok. I may be offered the job, and if I am, I will most likely take it. I do not want it, but I am desparate for something full time with higher pay. IF, and these are a lot of ifs, I do take it, the challenge will be to keep looking for something better. This job is basically a glorified receptionist, and I am so over that in terms of education, experience, and skills. But I need a job, and I need to find a place to live, so I will take what I can get. I just have to keep reaching for more.
The job in question is basically M-F 8-5, but may require some hald day Saturdays. Because I need money, I am hoping to keep the current job, and work Friday and Saturday nights, possibly picking up a few hours during the week. I will post about money later, but I am monetarily manic depressive. I try and hoard it all, but then will spend wildly when I am depressed or bored. Buying new shoes on Amazon is slightly better for me than eating because I am bored, but it is a slim margin. I need my own personal 24 hour team of shrinks to sort through all of this!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Work Crap
Tonight, I am going out for dinner with my boss and coworkers. I don't want to go. I don't want to go to the nth degree, and if it wouldn't make me look just a wee bit undignified, I would stomp my heel, and cry a little over it. Since I am home alone, I could very well indulge in that behavior and no one but me would be the wiser...
A couple of weeks ago, one of our clients had some major issues, resulting in a lot of calls for us. So they sent a thank you letter. And tonight, boss is taking us out to thank us. This is all well and good.
What is not so good is that I am not really into socializing with my coworkers. Running down the list, we have:
2 people I truly dislike,
1 person who makes Kendra from the Girls Next Door look like a Rhodes Scholar, who can also not speak below the decibel level of a jet plane during takeoff
1 who has more mental issues than I do (I know!!!!),
1 person I like but who will probably not be there, and who is crotchety and very loud
1 person that I do like
and, the boss. I have worked at this job for 6 months and have seen the boss about 6 times. This is because I works nights Th-F-S, so I call her my invisible boss.
We are going to The Outback. A steakhouse. I am trying really hard to stick to the vegan diet. I called the restaurant yesterday, and they do not have anything vegan. I will end up with a salad, but will have to specify no egg, no bacon bits, no cheese, and please for the love of god no mushrooms. Not cause they aren't vegan, because mushrooms are evil and I hate them. I also do not want to be part of a big discussion I have already heard, many times, about why I am vegan, and "gee, I could never do it", and blah blah blah, live in Texas, state point of pride to eat meat...
Texas also still has smoking/non smoking sections, and because several workers smoke, we will be in the smoking section. Oh, and did I mention that the boss is paying for drinks as well?
Everyone else at this job has been there for 2-20 years. Again, I have 6 months. Not only do I not fit in, but I do not want to fit in.
I hate feeling this way. The boss called yesterday to make sure I was going, and announced where we were going - I just knew there were plans to go out, not where. I am such a bitch at times and can be very strong, but not on the important stuff, and I am not very good at just saying no. And I know that I could, theoretially, call the boss and say that there isn't anything on the menu that is vegan, and I am not comfortable going and watching people chow down on animal flesh, which really does nauseate me, but I don't really feel like I can actually do that.
I work for a very small company, which is extremely casual, so it isn't like I work with clients who expect to see me there, or that my attendance could mean the diff. between being made partner in a firm. But if I didn't go, I think I would be discussed at length (my god these people know how to gossip!) and that I would feel left out.
Then again, how much of this is just that I am really depressed, and uncomfortable, and hate any sort of change? Going out would probably be good for me, but I need different people to go out with. And going out with work people and people who do not know me well really does take quite a bit of effort. To keep smiling and making cheerful polite conversation for 2 hours is just a chore for me right now. I will not be discussing politics, money, mental health, family, or any books (cause this is a non reading group of mouthbreathers), or the cats at great length.
So yeah, I am totally Debbie Downer and feeling sorry for myself right now. Tomorrow will be better, right?
On the positive - and you didn't think I had a positive side didja?- I am trying again with FLYlady. www.flylady.net I have had the book for over a year, and made a lovely control journal, and then wondered why everything wasn't perfect. Yeah, the working at it part is what tripped me up. Gets me every time!
I made my bed this morning, and I am going to put away the clean dishes when I am done posting. Last night I made me habit forming reminders. Instead of using post-its for reminders, I got 4x7 cards with plastic photo sheets to cover them. This way I can keep them from getting humid and wrinkly in the kitchen and bathroom, plus they look pretty. And because the printer is way neater than my writing.
I do need to watch this though, since I do have perfectionist tendencies, and then I get overwhelmed and think that if I can't do something absolutely perfectly, then I shouldn't do it. So, I am taking the necessary baby steps. Wish me luck. Tonight at The Outback, and with FLY-ing.
A couple of weeks ago, one of our clients had some major issues, resulting in a lot of calls for us. So they sent a thank you letter. And tonight, boss is taking us out to thank us. This is all well and good.
What is not so good is that I am not really into socializing with my coworkers. Running down the list, we have:
2 people I truly dislike,
1 person who makes Kendra from the Girls Next Door look like a Rhodes Scholar, who can also not speak below the decibel level of a jet plane during takeoff
1 who has more mental issues than I do (I know!!!!),
1 person I like but who will probably not be there, and who is crotchety and very loud
1 person that I do like
and, the boss. I have worked at this job for 6 months and have seen the boss about 6 times. This is because I works nights Th-F-S, so I call her my invisible boss.
We are going to The Outback. A steakhouse. I am trying really hard to stick to the vegan diet. I called the restaurant yesterday, and they do not have anything vegan. I will end up with a salad, but will have to specify no egg, no bacon bits, no cheese, and please for the love of god no mushrooms. Not cause they aren't vegan, because mushrooms are evil and I hate them. I also do not want to be part of a big discussion I have already heard, many times, about why I am vegan, and "gee, I could never do it", and blah blah blah, live in Texas, state point of pride to eat meat...
Texas also still has smoking/non smoking sections, and because several workers smoke, we will be in the smoking section. Oh, and did I mention that the boss is paying for drinks as well?
Everyone else at this job has been there for 2-20 years. Again, I have 6 months. Not only do I not fit in, but I do not want to fit in.
I hate feeling this way. The boss called yesterday to make sure I was going, and announced where we were going - I just knew there were plans to go out, not where. I am such a bitch at times and can be very strong, but not on the important stuff, and I am not very good at just saying no. And I know that I could, theoretially, call the boss and say that there isn't anything on the menu that is vegan, and I am not comfortable going and watching people chow down on animal flesh, which really does nauseate me, but I don't really feel like I can actually do that.
I work for a very small company, which is extremely casual, so it isn't like I work with clients who expect to see me there, or that my attendance could mean the diff. between being made partner in a firm. But if I didn't go, I think I would be discussed at length (my god these people know how to gossip!) and that I would feel left out.
Then again, how much of this is just that I am really depressed, and uncomfortable, and hate any sort of change? Going out would probably be good for me, but I need different people to go out with. And going out with work people and people who do not know me well really does take quite a bit of effort. To keep smiling and making cheerful polite conversation for 2 hours is just a chore for me right now. I will not be discussing politics, money, mental health, family, or any books (cause this is a non reading group of mouthbreathers), or the cats at great length.
So yeah, I am totally Debbie Downer and feeling sorry for myself right now. Tomorrow will be better, right?
On the positive - and you didn't think I had a positive side didja?- I am trying again with FLYlady. www.flylady.net I have had the book for over a year, and made a lovely control journal, and then wondered why everything wasn't perfect. Yeah, the working at it part is what tripped me up. Gets me every time!
I made my bed this morning, and I am going to put away the clean dishes when I am done posting. Last night I made me habit forming reminders. Instead of using post-its for reminders, I got 4x7 cards with plastic photo sheets to cover them. This way I can keep them from getting humid and wrinkly in the kitchen and bathroom, plus they look pretty. And because the printer is way neater than my writing.
I do need to watch this though, since I do have perfectionist tendencies, and then I get overwhelmed and think that if I can't do something absolutely perfectly, then I shouldn't do it. So, I am taking the necessary baby steps. Wish me luck. Tonight at The Outback, and with FLY-ing.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Where I am, drugs, project runway. etc
I am doing ok. I think I could be a little better, but I have been so so so much worse. And the strangest thing about that is, that for the first time in over 10 years, I am not taking an anti-depressant. Or several. I am still taking a really strong drug to combat the insomnia, but none of the other stuff. Over the past 10 years, I have taken over 16 different drugs to try and feel better and sleep. Some of them helped a little, some had horrible side effects, and others were just useless but expensive pretty little pills. Valley of the Dolls much?
At one point, I was spending close to $500 a month to purchase my dose of Effexor - prescribed by an evil quack. Turns out, it was causing heart issues and my dosage could have been lethal since it was in combination with another drug he was prescribing. Finding a good physician that I can trust is a very hard thing for me to do. I had a really cool doc in Indianapolis that was witty and smart and totally "got" me and what I was telling her. I need to find a doctor like that here in Texas, but the odds are small that I will find another really cool person to work with. I had a great therapist too, but he retired just as we were really getting into the hard to deal with stuff. David could laugh at and with me and I was ok with that, which for a person with as many issues as I have was amazing!
Fun fact for all of my many readers (ok, I mean you Jenn, since you are the only commenter!), but I have issues with food. David says bulimia, but since it is infrequent I prefer to think it is not quite diagnosable as such. Anyway, at one point I had decided to overeat (ok "binge" if you wanna get all technical about it) on bagels and ate about 4 of them. Then I decided that I would be happier without them in my body. Yeah, some people may refer to that as a purge. But as it turns out, if one decides she wants to eat that much dough at one sitting, and not drink about 2 gallons of water with it, she is stuck with the result and the icky feeling that accompanies it. When I shared that with David, he roared laughter and told me that for as smart as I am supposed to be I didn't think about what I was doing. Any other person who laughed at me and said such a thing would do best to duck and cover because I usually unleash a verbal assault that will leave scars and a burning desire to re-check what I called you with a dictionary and or thesaurus. But I was ok with David. And that is progress.
I have not taken my Cymbalta for a little over 6 weeks-ish. Aside from a little withdrawal headache-y stuff, I haven't noticed many changes. I don't understand all of it, I am just happy I am not miserable.
I don't think that people who have not been in a major depression can ever truly understand how bad things can get for those of us who do suffer from depression. When things were at their lowest points, I would even have dreams that I was stuck on a staircase, and simply unable and or unwilling to move up or down. I say dreams and not nightmare, because it wasn't scary or strange to me, just an extension of what was going on in my waking life.
I think I am better in part because I am older, and I am a little more comfortable with my self, although there are still many many issues and changes I need to adress and make happen. I also think that I am feeling better because right now I am taking steps to make my life into the life I want to have. And I have stopped focusing on the idea that if something is not prfect it is not worthwhile. I am not perfect and will never be. But I can be better and I can still love myself in the journey to become happier and healthier. Wow. If the me of today could meet the me of 10 or 12 years ago, I could have saved my self a lot of stress! But better late than never, right?
And I am probably quite alone in this, but I am listening to John Denver and loving it. I want a man who will write a song like "Annies Song" or "Leaving on a jet plane" to share my life with. Just simple songs, full of love and caring.
Reading Christopher Moore - Island of the Sequined Love Nun. While it is not his best book in terms of making me laugh out loud, I am enjoying it, and I want a fuit bat like Roberto, which would probably violate many many rules and rental agreements, but I still want one.
As for Project Runway - the reunion show was last night. I liked it, but wished there was more. More more more of Victorya and her comments on being upset, more of Rickys dramatic tears, more of Chris's infectious gickle (giggle + cackle. I made it up but you can use it). But less of Christian. God help me, but I don't understand him getting the viewers choice award check. Sweetie darling, I knew queers and fag hags in my 20's, which was a decade ago. And even then "fierce" was being overused, so find another word to replace your every adjective. And you look like an angry Flo-Bee attacked you. And did anyone else notice Rami and Chris sitting all close together and being touchy-feely?
I was not surprised that non of the previous competitors thought Chris would win. But I still like him. And I was happy to see Steven again. He just looks happy, all the time. Sadly, I think Christian may win, but I am pulling for Jillian, even though she always seems sedated and semi-zombie-esque. I am over Rami and his draping fetish, and I am just not sure Chris will make it past the competition with him and Rami.
So, thats my update for today. Not sure if I will post over the weekend, and Monday I am picking up Iggies ashes from the vet, so I most likely won't be up to posting then. Have a great weekend.
At one point, I was spending close to $500 a month to purchase my dose of Effexor - prescribed by an evil quack. Turns out, it was causing heart issues and my dosage could have been lethal since it was in combination with another drug he was prescribing. Finding a good physician that I can trust is a very hard thing for me to do. I had a really cool doc in Indianapolis that was witty and smart and totally "got" me and what I was telling her. I need to find a doctor like that here in Texas, but the odds are small that I will find another really cool person to work with. I had a great therapist too, but he retired just as we were really getting into the hard to deal with stuff. David could laugh at and with me and I was ok with that, which for a person with as many issues as I have was amazing!
Fun fact for all of my many readers (ok, I mean you Jenn, since you are the only commenter!), but I have issues with food. David says bulimia, but since it is infrequent I prefer to think it is not quite diagnosable as such. Anyway, at one point I had decided to overeat (ok "binge" if you wanna get all technical about it) on bagels and ate about 4 of them. Then I decided that I would be happier without them in my body. Yeah, some people may refer to that as a purge. But as it turns out, if one decides she wants to eat that much dough at one sitting, and not drink about 2 gallons of water with it, she is stuck with the result and the icky feeling that accompanies it. When I shared that with David, he roared laughter and told me that for as smart as I am supposed to be I didn't think about what I was doing. Any other person who laughed at me and said such a thing would do best to duck and cover because I usually unleash a verbal assault that will leave scars and a burning desire to re-check what I called you with a dictionary and or thesaurus. But I was ok with David. And that is progress.
I have not taken my Cymbalta for a little over 6 weeks-ish. Aside from a little withdrawal headache-y stuff, I haven't noticed many changes. I don't understand all of it, I am just happy I am not miserable.
I don't think that people who have not been in a major depression can ever truly understand how bad things can get for those of us who do suffer from depression. When things were at their lowest points, I would even have dreams that I was stuck on a staircase, and simply unable and or unwilling to move up or down. I say dreams and not nightmare, because it wasn't scary or strange to me, just an extension of what was going on in my waking life.
I think I am better in part because I am older, and I am a little more comfortable with my self, although there are still many many issues and changes I need to adress and make happen. I also think that I am feeling better because right now I am taking steps to make my life into the life I want to have. And I have stopped focusing on the idea that if something is not prfect it is not worthwhile. I am not perfect and will never be. But I can be better and I can still love myself in the journey to become happier and healthier. Wow. If the me of today could meet the me of 10 or 12 years ago, I could have saved my self a lot of stress! But better late than never, right?
And I am probably quite alone in this, but I am listening to John Denver and loving it. I want a man who will write a song like "Annies Song" or "Leaving on a jet plane" to share my life with. Just simple songs, full of love and caring.
Reading Christopher Moore - Island of the Sequined Love Nun. While it is not his best book in terms of making me laugh out loud, I am enjoying it, and I want a fuit bat like Roberto, which would probably violate many many rules and rental agreements, but I still want one.
As for Project Runway - the reunion show was last night. I liked it, but wished there was more. More more more of Victorya and her comments on being upset, more of Rickys dramatic tears, more of Chris's infectious gickle (giggle + cackle. I made it up but you can use it). But less of Christian. God help me, but I don't understand him getting the viewers choice award check. Sweetie darling, I knew queers and fag hags in my 20's, which was a decade ago. And even then "fierce" was being overused, so find another word to replace your every adjective. And you look like an angry Flo-Bee attacked you. And did anyone else notice Rami and Chris sitting all close together and being touchy-feely?
I was not surprised that non of the previous competitors thought Chris would win. But I still like him. And I was happy to see Steven again. He just looks happy, all the time. Sadly, I think Christian may win, but I am pulling for Jillian, even though she always seems sedated and semi-zombie-esque. I am over Rami and his draping fetish, and I am just not sure Chris will make it past the competition with him and Rami.
So, thats my update for today. Not sure if I will post over the weekend, and Monday I am picking up Iggies ashes from the vet, so I most likely won't be up to posting then. Have a great weekend.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Moving for the third time in 9 months, missing Iggie
Moving sucks. It forces you to go through everything you own and play favorites. That being said, I probably needed to go through all of my books and stuff and pare them down anyway.
I have over 50 boxes (yay grocery store dude!) and already a whopping 3.5 of them are packed. Considering I don't have a job or a new place to live, I'd say I am right on track.
It has been 10 days since Iggie died. He was the best cat I could have ever known and after 17 years with him, there is a big void in my life. When I see the other solid black cat walking in the other room I am still calling out "hey Igs", before I remember that he is gone. The vets office has called and said his ashes are ready to be picked up, but I am not able to deal with that yet.
Edgar, the fluffy little cat, has been crying to go outside non stop. He is not an outdoor cat, none of mine are, but he has escaped a few times and tasted Outside. And he wants more. He doesn't seem to understand when I tell him to stop yowling or be quiet. Ignoring him makes it worse. My brother said that maybe he was looking for Iggie, which was sweet, but I don't think that is what he is doing. Cats do pick up on their owners stress though, so maybe I just need to do some nice calm breathing and think relaxing thoughts for a while. Couldn't hurt, right?
I have over 50 boxes (yay grocery store dude!) and already a whopping 3.5 of them are packed. Considering I don't have a job or a new place to live, I'd say I am right on track.
It has been 10 days since Iggie died. He was the best cat I could have ever known and after 17 years with him, there is a big void in my life. When I see the other solid black cat walking in the other room I am still calling out "hey Igs", before I remember that he is gone. The vets office has called and said his ashes are ready to be picked up, but I am not able to deal with that yet.
Edgar, the fluffy little cat, has been crying to go outside non stop. He is not an outdoor cat, none of mine are, but he has escaped a few times and tasted Outside. And he wants more. He doesn't seem to understand when I tell him to stop yowling or be quiet. Ignoring him makes it worse. My brother said that maybe he was looking for Iggie, which was sweet, but I don't think that is what he is doing. Cats do pick up on their owners stress though, so maybe I just need to do some nice calm breathing and think relaxing thoughts for a while. Couldn't hurt, right?
Friday, January 25, 2008
Here I go
After reading and lurking around other peoples blogs for a looong time, I am finally creating my own. I have never been good at keeping journals, but with the demands from my hordes of soon to exist webfans, maybe that will create some accountability and regulate my entries.
I have very little knowledge of how this whole blog thing works, so this is going to be a work in progress.
So. Starting with the here and now, I present my life.
I am in Texas. I moved here in May 2007 to live with my boyfriend of three years, who shall be known as S. I had recently lost my job and my landlord died, so moving seemed like a good idea at the time. Not so much. We lived with his certifiably batshit mother for 3 months, then moved into our own place. S is a truck driver and gone for long periods of time. I am depressed and do not know anyone here, so being alone took it's toll.
Last Friday, my 17 year old cat died.
Last Friday, S also stated that our relationship is over.
I have no job.
These things haven't done a whole lot to cheer me up, but I figure that this is the universe presenting me with the opportunity to make some big changes in my life. Karma is interesting like that.
Other things about me:
1. I like pink.
2. I like stars.
3. My lucky number is 13.
4. My best friend is a man.
5. I am left handed.
That is all for now. Please feel free to comment and visit Marias World frequently. I promise it will be an interesting place.
I have very little knowledge of how this whole blog thing works, so this is going to be a work in progress.
So. Starting with the here and now, I present my life.
I am in Texas. I moved here in May 2007 to live with my boyfriend of three years, who shall be known as S. I had recently lost my job and my landlord died, so moving seemed like a good idea at the time. Not so much. We lived with his certifiably batshit mother for 3 months, then moved into our own place. S is a truck driver and gone for long periods of time. I am depressed and do not know anyone here, so being alone took it's toll.
Last Friday, my 17 year old cat died.
Last Friday, S also stated that our relationship is over.
I have no job.
These things haven't done a whole lot to cheer me up, but I figure that this is the universe presenting me with the opportunity to make some big changes in my life. Karma is interesting like that.
Other things about me:
1. I like pink.
2. I like stars.
3. My lucky number is 13.
4. My best friend is a man.
5. I am left handed.
That is all for now. Please feel free to comment and visit Marias World frequently. I promise it will be an interesting place.
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