Sunday, November 30, 2008


So this is it. With this post I have completed the challeneg, but I am not particularily proud of it. I haven't posted anything other than work crap, money crap, and other boring crap. And I am sort of relieved that it is over.

Saturday, November 29, 2008


Someone broke into my best friends house today. 2 guns and a LOT of jewelry were taken,but all the pets are ok,and most of all, GEM is safe. GEM thinks he knows who did it, since a neighbor saw a strange car in his driveway and fingerprints were taken. I am angry and upset that someone so close to me was robbed, and feel very distraught that GEM has to go through this - I know he is feeling angry, vulnerable and invaded, and I am several states away and unable to help.

Last week, three of his goats died, in a strange way, and I really hope this is not related.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Friday night

Today wasgood. Islept in again until almost 10,went to the used bookstore,took the cats to the vet for vaccinations, washed and ironed my scrubs for work next week. So far so good, but I really don't feel like working tonight.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Am I depressed?

I napped today for 5 hours, and it is bothering me. Did I sleep because I just needed to relax for a while? Or did I sleep so long because I am really getting depressed again? Am I worrying over nothing or is there need for concern?

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

it is a sad day

Today I am getting the box for Camilles ashes. It is a pretty mahoghany box with a picture frame in the lid, and I am happy to have a nice container to put her remains in but I am remebering her and the final appointment at the vet and I am as sad as I was on the day she died.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Thanksgiving Day Eve

OMG - I anm so happy that I just have to get through ONE MORE DAY and then I have some time off. I am training a new person at work, the disctrict and regional important people were there, plus I had a ton of end of the month stuf to do. But I got through it all and kept smiling and I just have to go through 8 little more hours....

Monday, November 24, 2008

more changes

I have lost over 24 pounds in the last 6 months. Yay me and yay giving up dairy and going vegan! I also don't get heartburn anymore, but still have heartache sometimes!

Sunday, November 23, 2008


So I have been reading about Buddhism for a while, and my new book club just finished "Eat, Love, Pray" which I really liked. And today I went to an SGI meeting, which is a Buddhist group. I am not sure this is the way for me, but it was interesting. The wierd thing is that a co-worker of mine invited me. The manager at the day job had asked if I wanted to go to the Assembly of God church that she attends, which I would avoid like the plague, so to be asked to another "church" by a second co worker was strange but I am glad I went. S. went too, which really surprised me becausehe has always been anti-religion, but he really liked it. Well, I asked for change and I guess I am getting it.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

bad thing

So yesterday the night job boss cooked up a storm for the office. I worked the day job til 7p then went for some pad thai. Unfortunately I was stressed and upset and over tired and I ate stuff at the night job. And then I purged.

I am going to a Buddhist meeting thing tomorrow and trying to make changes but my body and behavior are telling me it is not enough and I need to make adjustments NOW

Friday, November 21, 2008


TGIF. Even though it is my 24 hour work day on Friday I am still glad the week is over. The day job was going to have a pitch in on Monday, but everybody seems to want to order the lunch in, so I am sortofhappynot to have to spend my Sunday making cheesecake, but I may choose to make some anyway.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


I need to make some major changes in my life. I am not sure exactly how to go about it, but I just feel that I am where I am supposed to be right now, but that this is not the place for me to be very much longer. I am both terrified and exhilirated to change.

My job - the day one - is not using me to my full potential, but it can be a means to support myself while I look for something else.

The Predator - is not going to be the total package for me. But I am not ready to give that up yet either.

Texas - is not the state that I want to live in forever. I like the fact that it is sunny and warm, which I think is good for my depression, but I miss the seasons, and the fact that all year long seems like an endless summer doesn't help me to get motivated.

My body - I am treating it better than I have before, but I need it to last a very long time and in good shape, so I need to take the time to care for it more. I am taking a vitamin though, which is a good first step.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Dodged a bullet

So thebig deal inspection didn't happen - anpther branch got hit. My branch may still be surprised this year though. I hate it. All my piles of carefully made organization are now stuffed willy nilly into filing cabinets everywhere.

I left work today at 5:15 - and I hardly knew what to do with my whole evening off. So I made dinner, watched some tv and I think I am going to bed early - planning on staying until 6 or later tomorrow.

Pitch in at work on Monday, so Sunday I will be making some of the worlds best cheesecake - if I can figure out how to ship it frozen I may do a giveaway...

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Ah Hell

Another branch of my company got a surprise inspection this week from CHAPS. That is the big deal review company. It looks like my branch is up this week too, which is causing major stress for everyone. There is a HUGE backlog of work to be done, and not enough people, so everyone is scrambling. HATE stress and really hoping our branch gets skipped.

Also, new favorite worst child name = Jathan. Yes, that's right. Not Nathan, not Jason, but the worst and most lispy sounding combination of the two. Poor bastard.

Monday, November 17, 2008


I had to go to the clinic today to get a second step PPD placed and shot one of three for Hep B. My arm hurts.

And other things hurt too - I think I have a UTI.

And my checking account is going to hurt tomorrow when I pick up my sleep meds. Granted it is a 4 month supply but $200 could be better spent on shoes, or other necessities like rent.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Saturday, November 15, 2008


Is it inconsiderate of me to expect that people who know I work 12 hours on Friday at one job and then 10 hours overnight Fridays to not freaking call me three times Saturday afternoon?

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Plan

Accordingto my latest plan, this will be my last full weekend atthe night job. But then again, last night I semi convinced myself that maybe I could do another 6 weeks and finish out the year. I think I could, but then I realized I still have to pack 65% of my stuff, find a newplace to live, and move, so I think this is it. And I think the fear has a lot more to do with being afraid of being on my own and alone then the money.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

nothing to say

Lots of things are going through my head - The Predator, The Job, The Other Job, finding a place to move and moving in 6 weeks, could have been the one boyfriends from years ago. Guilt about Camille getting so sick and dying, regret formaking bad decisions, what to do over the holidays... and I can't write about it. I am so tired and maybe getting a little depressed.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

70 posts

I have convinced myself to quit the night job. Actually about 85% convinced - I think this will be my last weekend, and next Friday my last night. Oh but the fear is already nipping at my heels that if I don't work and work and save every penny that bad things will happen. But I need to do this so I am going to have to make it work. Also, I am 80% convincedlast night was my last date with The Predator.

And Yay! Top Chef is back tonight!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


So I decided to leave early from work, and by early I mean still clocking over an hour extra, so I could go home, play with The Woo (the cat) wash some dishes and generally create some balance. That was well and good until The Online Predator called and we went out until 9:30p. Now it is late, I am tired and I still need to take a shower and go to bed. I need to get a handleon my life before I crash again.

Monday, November 10, 2008

letter of the law

So I have been posting every day so far this month. And most have been very short. Iam following the letter of the NaBloPoMo law, but not the spirit.

There are so many things I think I could blog about, or would like to. I am smart, funny and creative, but I am just not able to express it all as much as I would like to. Plus I am still stupidly working 70 hours or more per week. And I am closer to burning out then I would like to have to think about.

I need to quit the night job. But I am afraid. I don't have a support system here, my credit is not all that great, my car is ancient, and what happens if I lose my job, or the car breaks or something else comes up. And in typing this, I am moreinclined to write WHEN the car breaks, and WHEN I lose my job. And I can't live in fear, but I have also been homeless and jobless and depressed before and I can't do that to myself again, but working so much is not and can not be the answer. In fact, over stressing my self ismostlikely going to cause me to lose myjob or to self destruct. But fear is a powerful force to reckon with, and I don't know what to do.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

From PostSecret

This is a quote from PostSecret. I love the site and I love the quote. "We accept the love we think we deserve."

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Saturday night

So I am off to the night job again- last night I had company at work- The Online Predator showed up, which was unexpected and naughty... and there is a mouse at work. I hate bugs, but I don't mind rodents, but I don't like them around my kitchen either, so the food at work is off limits to me, because the mouse does not respect my boundaries.

Friday, November 7, 2008


Lately, all I have had time topost are quickies. But I will have more on Sunday.

Today is my 24 hour day - working both jobs, and exhausted by morning. But I need the money, and I am getting closer to moving out on my own so I can do this.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Happy for other people

I am happy for my best friend. He bought a new truck, has repaired the roof of his chicken house, installed lights in his barn, and had a new love interest. And I am just happy for him. There are very few people in my life that I am just happy for when they are happy. Not because I am a scrooge, but because I just don't have a lot of people in my life who care for and about me as I do for them. And I love GEM.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


Obama won. And there are a million writers and bloggers who are going to say more about it, and better than I could, so I will leave it at yay.

I am very disapointed in the prop 8 in CA votes. To me, that is simply legal discrimination and as Americans, even if you don't like homosexuality, we should be ashamed to blatantly ignore our own bill of rights that we have always been so proud of.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I voted, did you?

So I went to vote. Voting place was an hour from work, but I got mine in. I voted for Obama, and I hope he wins and makes some huge changes.

I am really sore today - massage therapist used too much pressure and I hurt..

I also had to replace a bulb for my cars brake light. The bulb only cost 97 cents, and the kid who worked at the parts store put it in for me so I gave him five bucks. Then I sort of wished I hadn't because he had a Jesus fish bracelet on, and I resent that. Oh well, he was still nice. I just don't see how people can disbelieve in Darwinism. I suspect it is the same scary thought process that makes some people believe The Holocaust never happened either.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Monday Monday

I only worked 8.5 hours today! Yay me! I left work and went for a much needed massage. The massage therapist went over the set one hour appointment which was wonderful.

This is my 60th post, so yay me again for my little old blog.
So, here are 10 things about me- I am not up for more than that!

1. I love jewelry - sparkly things are good.
2. My favorite color is pink - and I was not "allowed" to say that as a kid- mother issues
3. I don't think most florists roses smell all that great.
4. I have been admitted to a psych ward for depression.
5. I have been homeless.
6. I rarely floss.
7. I plot great revenge but rarely carry it out.
8. I am jealous when I call my best friend and his line is busy for hours.
9. I have taken LSD.
10. I make awesome cheesecake from scratch.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


Not a whole lot going on, but I am going to give the NaBloPoMo thing a shot and try and post every day for a month.

This may not happen, because I popped off my space bar to clear out the various fuzzies inside, and now it doesn't work as well, which is causing frustration and a whole lot of backspacing.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

RIP Camille 1993-2008

Iggie on the left, Camille on the right
Thursday is going down as the second most horrible day of my life. I had to make the decision and sign permission for the vet to euthanize Camille. When I got to the vets office after work Thursday she was halfway gone already; I'd like to think that she hung on long enough to let me say goodbye and tell her I love her for the last time.

I have worked for a veterinarian before. I have assisted in the euthanasia of animals before, but to do this to my own baby was miserable. When Iggie died in January, he died at home, on his own, and I know he would have preferred it that way. It was slow and agonizing, but I am glad I was with him for it. With Camille, I know she was hurting and very cold - her body temp was only 95-ish, and cats should be at 101-102. So I am glad she didn't have to suffer anymore, but it still felt wrong to make the decision to end her life for her and have to sign the permission form.

Everyone has told me that at least she is not in pain anymore, but I am. And that is not going to get better for a long time. I know most people who see this will only see a picture of two black cats. But those who know me will know that this is a family portrait for me, because these two sweet creatures WERE my sole family for so long.