Choices

So I started the new job. The one I don't think I want. And I started a new relationship and I am not sure where that is going.

New job - pay is not all that great, benefits are ok, although no dental until I have been there a year, which sucks. New job is dealing with a lot of paperwork, and reports - and I don't get why in 2008, a company is still making zillions of copies and paying to UPS them overnight. Wouldn't a scanner and a good back up system work a little better?

I have also worked completely by myslef for the last 7 months, so this is a big adjustment. I am going to give the job a try for 2 weeks, and then make a decision. I am still applying and emailing for other open jobs.

New relationship - well, the online predator is turning out to be a very nice guy. Obviously I know he isn't perfect, but right now I am really enjoying my time with him. And yeah, we had the infamous 3rd date, which I am not very proud of, but it was great, and I am feeling much less depressed having human contact and company.

Unfortunately, S. is now trying to be nice to me and I am really confused by this. I suspect some of the attitude change is due to a new man being in my life. There is a pull to go back to the familiar, just because new things scare the bejeebers outta me. But I feel that there is just too much damage done between the two of us to make any relationship work there. But being civil to each other would be a good step.

I worked the night job on Friday and Saturday nights - Friday pretty much sucked because I was tired, and worse, bored. I didn't bring the book I need to read for the 2nd book club, so I didn't have much to do during the quiet hours. And my brain is a scary little monster when left to its own devices. I think if I remember to bring a book or movie then I can continue to work weekends and the day job. At least until the new year. Since I have a pitiful bank balance, I need to save up a little cushion and also replace the MariaMobile soon.

I have no idea what I am doing. With the jobs, with the online predator, with life in general. I sometimes feel like such a failure and the depression, which is never far away comes prowling around my head again. I have been very lucky in some ways, and I know I can survive worse things than what I am dealing with now, but I am over surviving. I need to thrive. And I just need some sort of cosmic sign that everythig is going to be ok.

Why I love GEM

I had another marathon phone call with GEM today. He is mostly thrilled that I survived the date with "My Online Predator" as he calls my date, and very happy that I have found a very nice man, who has so far been wonderful in every way.

So I ended up going to the predators house on Monday, and returned with bite marks all over my neck. Yeah, I know. Wanton slut much, Maria? It isn't that bad, but I have very pale skin and I bruise if you look at me funny, let alone touch me!

Anyway, the point of the post title is my conversation with GEM

Me: I went over Monday and hung out with the predator, (ok more made out than hung out) but then I had to wear concealer to my interview because there were bite marks on my neck.

GEM: Why would he bite your neck?

Me: Because I like it!

GEM: Oh. (lets it sink in) OOOOH!

YAY

Since I hit 50 posts, I was going to do a list of 50 things about me. Screw that. I just nabbed a black leather Kenneth Cole bag off of Craigslist for ten freaking dollars! Gorgeous, slightly bigger than a laptop carrier, perfect condition, bag for basically pennies. I love Craigslist! And I love my new bag.

Oh and yeah, I start my new job tomorrow.

I am alive!

I survived my date with my online predator!

We went to a really late showing of Lakeview Terrace. Loved the movie.

And I loved sitting in the dark wondering if there was going to be hand holding or whether there would be a good night kiss, and all the other things. There was. And holy crap I can see why people have one night stands - not that I did that! I have not been hugged by anyone but coworkers in 4-5 months. So there is temptation and craving of touch. And as much as I would love to be in a long term, stable relationship, there is something so exhilarating about being out with someone new and different and unknown.

And a tiny yay for me and my little blgo - I hit 50 posts!

OMG

OK, first the job interviews.

1. Interview for job I don't think I want. Interviewing chick was late. Only like 5 minutes, but no apology or acknowledgement of her lateness, which bothers me. Also, she asked if I had children which is one of the top ten HR no-no's. On the plus side, I get to go for a drug screen tomorrow. Whoo hoo? And a 2nd interview with interview chick and distruct manager on Tuesday.

2. Interview for the job I wanted. The doctor asked me what kind of medical practice I worked for before, I told him hair replacement. NO not plugs! Individually cut and placed hair follicles thankyouverymuch, which is a long and expensive procedure. Anyway, interviewing doc is losing hair and spent 15 minutes discussing surgical options with me before telling me he thought I was over qualified. Then WHY THE FUCK did he even have me come in for an interview??? I don't wish anyone harm, because that karma is a bitch, yo. HOWEVER, If maybe he was uneligible for hair replacement surgery I would feel vindicated somehow.

The good news? One, I bought a pair of jeans in a size smaller than I was, so yay freaking me! and Two? I have a date, sort of, tonight. I am meeting the email guy from Craigslist. Best friend GEM is referring to him as My Online Predator, which amuses him to no end. GEM works in a prison as a nurse and is able to screen any potential dates he has to see if they have ever been arrested. I don't have that info available to me, so if I don't post for a week or so, someone please inform the local authorities... We are going to see the new flick with Samuel L. Jackson - "pleasant terrace" or something. Yeah I am that lazy not to look online for a movie title.

This is so exciting, because I was in a very boring and bad relationship for 4 years, so new and interesting is a big deal to me.

I also had a couple of epiphanies about my life and what I need to do. More on that later.

My new book club selection is Come Back, by the Fontaines. I finished it last night and it was a very difficult read for me, and made me think a whole lot of not easy things about myself. More on that later too. Not going to do anything today that makes me weepy. Plus I am a little PMS-y so anything weepy could snowball. Happy thoughts only, kthxbai!

Good Luck to me

I have two job interviews tomorrow. TWO! One at a doctors office and the other for a DME company. Hoping like mad I will get the doctors office position. Have new and hopefully lucky navy suit ready to go, and all of my interview charm on deck for schmoozing.

Pay sucks in this area, so I will most likely keep the other job on Friday and Saturday nights, but I can do that - for a while anyway.

Talked to GEM for 3 hours tonight - discussed clothing for interview and everything else under the sun, including some very appreciated confidence in me and my abilities. I love GEM. He is such the perfect firend for me. I may not have had much luck finding a romantic life partner, but so glad I have GEM in my life.

WOW

I had a little epiphany last night. I LIKE going out and meeting friends.

I had truly forgotten that.

For the past year, I have been home almost every day. There were some weeks that I may have only left the house once or twice. Moving here, and not knowing anyone is truly horrible for me. And S. would never go out anywhere that didn't involve food, preferably fried, and even that was rare.

So I am not a total social butterfly, but being out last night for a book club made me feel happier than I have in a while. Since the first book club seems to be disbanding - several military moves - I was happy to see another member at the new one. And I have another fledgling book club meeting later this month. Things like this make me think that I just may be ok.

And now the snark.

I like books. I like people who like books. And I am not a total snob. HOWEVER, suggesting romance novels for a book club made me snicker, although inwardly so as not to be rude. Seriously, how much discussion about plot and foreshadowing are you gonna get out of any book with Fabio carrying a woman in a Victorian nightie on the cover?

Tuesday Generalities

So I have a new book club meeting tonight. This is the starter meeting, so I have no idea if it will last.

I am going to an office to fill out an app tomorrow, and there is a group interview on Thursday. I hate the group interview. When I did staffing and recruiting for an agency, I would have group interviews, but then again I was trying to hire as many people I could bill for as possible. When an employer is only looking to hire one person though, I don't think it works as well. The job market here truly sucks. I know that nationwide things are not the greatest, but I am widening my searches to places over an hour away and still coming up with very little.

Had a horrible fight with S. on Sunday. Lost control, said many things I should not have. I am apparently a very angry scared person, and not dealing very well.

On the plus side, my email buddy and I are getting along well. Unfortunately, today he emailed his cell number, and that just makes me want to put the brakes on. Yeah it would be nice if the first guy I talk to turns out to be "the one", but odds are stongly against that happening. I am not up for any relationship right now, let alone a rebound one. Plus, I am still in the same living quarters as the ex, so that would make things difficult to say the least.

I am tired, and considering taking anap, but I am afraid that I will start sleeping 20 hours a day again. Yeah, I said 20. I am that good of a sleeper when depressed. On a good day, I could go for 22 or more. But that isn't a goal I am trying to work towards.

I have been worse

That has been my mantra for the past couple of days. I have been worse. And I have. And I can (could I?) be better, but I am not sure I am up for fighting with the forces that be for decent mental health.

At the very worst, I remember having endless nightmares of being on a staircase, and being unable to move. I knew that I had to move, but just couldn't do it. My waking hours were not much better. My dreams as of late haven't been memorable, but the feelings of being immobile are creeping in.

I love Cyanide and Happiness

I don't think I copied this right, but you get the gist.

Attention Scientists

I believe I have made an important new discovery. I have, in my own house, an apparently new breed of cat fur. This mutant cat fur is no longer dependant on the actual cat for growth and reinfestation. This fur, when shed, will continue to grow and multiply on its own. It possesses an astounding ability to weave itself into virtually every fabric, and is resistant to sticky tape rollers. Mutant fur also can self inseminate, because even when there is just one strand of fur left, if you turn your back on it, it will have mysteriously become 4 or more.

One good thing, and OMG

The good thing. I have an online penpal. Its a divorced older guy, neither one of us is looking to hook up, and I am not sure we will even ever meet IRL, BUT it is a live person I can talk to, and I so needed that.

The OMG?
Tropic Thunder.
So I have always loved Robert Downey Junior. Back in the 90's I figured if I could just get to Hollywood, I could have him married, divorced and cashed the first alimony check before he even sobered up. Not great for a long term relationship, but one hell of a fun ride while it lasted, right?

But the best part is not even RDJ, though it saddens me to say it. Tom "Batshit Crazy" Cruise had the best fucking part in the movie, and I would have been willing to watch 15 more minutes of his roayl craziness. It is that funny.

I don't buy a lot of movies. There are very few that I will re-watch, and those that I do are always on re-runs - Steel Magnolias (Don't talk about me like I'm not here!), The Breakfast Club, etc. But I am for sure for sure renting this one for the special effects, and may eventually buy it on Amazon when it goes for five bucks or less. Cause I'm cheap.

And thank you, to Loyal Reader Jen for all the kind comments and just letting me know someone out there is hearing (reading?) me.

Static

Some days, I think that there are too many changes going on in my life. And others, not enough changes.

I think I am where I am because I need to be here, but I am not sure what exactly I am supposed to be learning in order to move on. I can see some patterns in my life that I want to change, and will work on being so passive about. But overall, I am just overwhelmed.

I have lots of job skills, but I haven't had jobs that lasted more than 2 years for various reasons - moving, quitting, boss dying. The jobs here and even in a 60 mile radius just don't seem to be what I am looking for.

I need to find a new place to live, after I find a job and I hate this. Not that I like where I am mind you, but change is too much for me sometimes. I have been here just over a year, and I still don't know anyone. Yeah, I meet with the bookclub, but it is disbanding, and I haven't really connected with anyone there. Co-Workers are not really an option either. I hate that I don't know how to get around TX very well, and I don't know the good areas from the bad in terms of finding a place to live. I am truly terrified of living without a support system. I have done it before and it isn't fun. If I get offered the job I interviewed for, I don't even know who to list for my emergency contact form.

I think I was doing ok without meds, but the more the situational depression is increasing, I think the more I am sinking. And I hate it. I am tired of crying.