Random stuff

It looks like I will finally be starting to work the night shift at my new job, which is good. "Training" for two weeks is getting old. And by training, I mean doing the same job for less pay because the person covering the shifts I was hired to fill does not want to part with the extra money yet. Sigh.

I picked up Iggies ashes on Monday. Fairly traumatic. Minor meltdown. Pleasant surprise though - the vets office made a little imprint of his paw and placed some fur in a baggie for me, which was really sweet of them. I already had a whisker saved!

Project Runway - I really wanted Chris to move on, although I knew he wouldn't. Rami seemed cute in the beginning but for some reason he gets uglier on every show. So now I am totally rooting for Zombie Jillian. Although she seems to be sedated most of the time, she has done some great work, and I think that since she has more experience then Christian, she might do better than he would at forging a business in the industry. Christian is talented, but if I had to deal with him on a regular basis I would probably investigate the local laws on justifiable homicide. Hearing that something is "fierce" in that creaky voice of his 10-15 times a day would push me over the edge.

So, last post I mentioned that I am virtually unmedicated. The Ex kindly pointed out that stopping meds can cause breakdowns. And while I totally agree, right now I am not in a free fall, but I love how there is support out there for me! I do think that I should see a doctor soon and maybe get on a low, maintainence type dosage of a medication, but I really don't want to have a lot of chemicals coursing through me again. I had told my last therapist that depression was like the coyote in the Road Runner cartoons. When I feel things getting bad, I scramble to keep my head above water, but by the time I realize it is as bad as it is, I am between cliffs with a long drop ahead of me. So, long story short, I am in a quest to find a new therapist and possibly a physician by the end of March. Although I am ok now, I don't want to go too far on my own, cause it gets scary!

I sat down tonight and made a list of goals for 2008 and a list of goals for the next 10 years. I have never actually sat out and written down stuff like that before. Partly because writing them down makes them real, and facing them, and partly because in my early years at home, my parents and siblings would make fun of things like this.

I had a speech teacher in college who told us about going crabbing. He said that when you had a bucket with a couple of crabs in it, one would always try to scrabble up to escape. But inevitably, one of the other crabs would reach up and snag the would-be escapee and drag it back down. I have not been in contact with my mother in a little over 10 years, my father 8. Yes they are still married to each other, I just managed to keep in contact with my father via his work phone number for a while longer then my mother. So now, I don't have any allegorical crabs to pull me down, I am ready to work harder on my own goals and be proud of myself for having them, and even prouder when I reach them.

I spent a lot of time in my 20's being angry with my parents. They were not good parents, and did not prepare me to be an adult, and or well functioning memeber of society. My cousin, who knows of all the family drama, told me that I shouldn't be so hard on them because they did the best that they could. I disagree. Having lived through it, I can see and tell you that there were times when they did not put any effort into raising their 5 offspring and they simply chose to ignore problems rather than deal with them. What is strange is that both of my parents are college graduates, and my mother even works as a victims advocate, counseling women in domestic violence/rape situations, but she beat the crap out of her own kids. I'll tell the world about the fly-swatter beating incident later.

And even though there is a very strong family history of depression and suicidal ideation/action, no one ever bothered to tell me. In high school, I missed over 60 days of my senior year. I would get up and drive off, but instead of going to school, I would drive to a park and sleep all day. My 17 year old self also spent a couple of nights a week at my 21 year old boyfriends house - yeah I totally thought I was soooo cool for dating a college guy 4 years older than me!

When the school sent a letter to my father detailing my lengthy absenteeism, there was no discussion, punishment, discipline or any reaction. I didn't figure out that that was not normal parental behavior until I was about 22. At the time I just thought I was hella lucky to get away with half the stuff I was getting away with! So, yeah, people tell me I am smart, and maybe I am, but I am not so observant! I can sort of laugh about that now though.

So now I am in my 30's, and althought there is still al ot of anger and sadness, I am learning (better late than never) to count on myself, and to teach myself how to meet my goals.

So, back to the pretty little pills - I think that because I have worked out a lot of the issues I had/have, I think I need a lot less medicating, but a regular check in and evaluation is in order.

I like pink, but...

I have so much to learn about blogging. And while I love the color pink, the former layout was a little much for me.

Some of my favorite bloggers out there have their own sites, and I am curious about how one goes about purchasing your own site and setting it up. For those who DO have their own site, is it worth it financially and what are the benefits? For now I will probably stay with blogger, since I haven't a clue how to do much besides post, but maybe someday...

Where I am, drugs, project runway. etc

I am doing ok. I think I could be a little better, but I have been so so so much worse. And the strangest thing about that is, that for the first time in over 10 years, I am not taking an anti-depressant. Or several. I am still taking a really strong drug to combat the insomnia, but none of the other stuff. Over the past 10 years, I have taken over 16 different drugs to try and feel better and sleep. Some of them helped a little, some had horrible side effects, and others were just useless but expensive pretty little pills. Valley of the Dolls much?

At one point, I was spending close to $500 a month to purchase my dose of Effexor - prescribed by an evil quack. Turns out, it was causing heart issues and my dosage could have been lethal since it was in combination with another drug he was prescribing. Finding a good physician that I can trust is a very hard thing for me to do. I had a really cool doc in Indianapolis that was witty and smart and totally "got" me and what I was telling her. I need to find a doctor like that here in Texas, but the odds are small that I will find another really cool person to work with. I had a great therapist too, but he retired just as we were really getting into the hard to deal with stuff. David could laugh at and with me and I was ok with that, which for a person with as many issues as I have was amazing!

Fun fact for all of my many readers (ok, I mean you Jenn, since you are the only commenter!), but I have issues with food. David says bulimia, but since it is infrequent I prefer to think it is not quite diagnosable as such. Anyway, at one point I had decided to overeat (ok "binge" if you wanna get all technical about it) on bagels and ate about 4 of them. Then I decided that I would be happier without them in my body. Yeah, some people may refer to that as a purge. But as it turns out, if one decides she wants to eat that much dough at one sitting, and not drink about 2 gallons of water with it, she is stuck with the result and the icky feeling that accompanies it. When I shared that with David, he roared laughter and told me that for as smart as I am supposed to be I didn't think about what I was doing. Any other person who laughed at me and said such a thing would do best to duck and cover because I usually unleash a verbal assault that will leave scars and a burning desire to re-check what I called you with a dictionary and or thesaurus. But I was ok with David. And that is progress.

I have not taken my Cymbalta for a little over 6 weeks-ish. Aside from a little withdrawal headache-y stuff, I haven't noticed many changes. I don't understand all of it, I am just happy I am not miserable.

I don't think that people who have not been in a major depression can ever truly understand how bad things can get for those of us who do suffer from depression. When things were at their lowest points, I would even have dreams that I was stuck on a staircase, and simply unable and or unwilling to move up or down. I say dreams and not nightmare, because it wasn't scary or strange to me, just an extension of what was going on in my waking life.

I think I am better in part because I am older, and I am a little more comfortable with my self, although there are still many many issues and changes I need to adress and make happen. I also think that I am feeling better because right now I am taking steps to make my life into the life I want to have. And I have stopped focusing on the idea that if something is not prfect it is not worthwhile. I am not perfect and will never be. But I can be better and I can still love myself in the journey to become happier and healthier. Wow. If the me of today could meet the me of 10 or 12 years ago, I could have saved my self a lot of stress! But better late than never, right?

And I am probably quite alone in this, but I am listening to John Denver and loving it. I want a man who will write a song like "Annies Song" or "Leaving on a jet plane" to share my life with. Just simple songs, full of love and caring.

Reading Christopher Moore - Island of the Sequined Love Nun. While it is not his best book in terms of making me laugh out loud, I am enjoying it, and I want a fuit bat like Roberto, which would probably violate many many rules and rental agreements, but I still want one.

As for Project Runway - the reunion show was last night. I liked it, but wished there was more. More more more of Victorya and her comments on being upset, more of Rickys dramatic tears, more of Chris's infectious gickle (giggle + cackle. I made it up but you can use it). But less of Christian. God help me, but I don't understand him getting the viewers choice award check. Sweetie darling, I knew queers and fag hags in my 20's, which was a decade ago. And even then "fierce" was being overused, so find another word to replace your every adjective. And you look like an angry Flo-Bee attacked you. And did anyone else notice Rami and Chris sitting all close together and being touchy-feely?

I was not surprised that non of the previous competitors thought Chris would win. But I still like him. And I was happy to see Steven again. He just looks happy, all the time. Sadly, I think Christian may win, but I am pulling for Jillian, even though she always seems sedated and semi-zombie-esque. I am over Rami and his draping fetish, and I am just not sure Chris will make it past the competition with him and Rami.

So, thats my update for today. Not sure if I will post over the weekend, and Monday I am picking up Iggies ashes from the vet, so I most likely won't be up to posting then. Have a great weekend.

Out of sorts

I feel strange. I have been trying to do some cleaning and organizing everyday, and I feel good about that. But in most other areas of my life I just don't feel on track. I am reading a book by Deepak Chopra on sleeping, and one of the ideas in it is that people can often not sleep well because they are unhappy with their life and have unfinished things to do. I guess this is sort of like haunting before you are dead, but it seems to feel right to me. I have had insomnia issues for over 10 years, and I have felt like I am not on a very steady or successful path for that length of time.

S. continues to think that we are working on getting back together and forming a better relationship, but the more I look on it, we are on two parallell paths, and not working together for the same goals. I honestly don't think he has any. I am kind of hoping he doesn't call tonight, because I may pick a fight if he does. If he calls, and if I pick the fight, it will be over this: He does not see the need in his life for more friends. He has about three people he considerd friends - two brithers and the exwife of one of them. Just to clarify, I don't like any of them. BUT, my idea on life is to have the largest core group of people who genuinely care for you and vice versa as you can handle. I have a fairly small circle of friends who I consider family, but I would love to meet more.

I don't understand why anyone would ever just state that they have no intention on ever making any new friends again. And that is all just part of a whole long list of life philosophies that we do not agree on.

Maybe it is just that I am really 'coming into myself' right now and working very hard to achieve certain goals that makes me feel so bothered by the fact that he is not. Or maybe it is that I am really discovering that even though I have invested 4 years of my life, maybe it is time to just reflect on what I have learned and move on.

Today is also the one month anniversary of Iggie dying. I still miss him. Today at work, a co worker had popcorn. Iggie would eat popcorn. If I had a bowl, he would come and sit by me and wait for a handout; I would pick up a single piece and show it to him, and place it back in the bowl. Iggie would watch very carefully and then pick out that same piece by himself to eat. I t is hard to think that he is not here anymore. Camille, one of the other cats is 14. They were some of the more tangible ways I have and had of remembering back to when I lived in Lancaster, PA, and my 20's. I love Edgar and Biki, but Camille and Iggie are and were just special to me in a different way.

Tomorrow, I am going to S.'s mothers house, which is my official mailing address. I am looking forward to a special valentines card from GEM, who always manages to stick something interesting in the envelope - a list of sex tips from a very strange magazine, personal ads fromo prisoners, various snarky articles on celebrities, stickers, what have you. Never the same thing twice and never anything that could be considered normal!

Work continues to bore me. I feel ready to go forward and begin working my whole normal schedule - this training is just dragging on and on and at this point the only thing I need is to be more familiar with the accounts, which I will only get by working with them. Also, as soon as I have an established work routine I can begin looking for another job. I am frustrated because I am really raring to go forward and I am being held back, and not just at work. Oh well. I will get a paycheck this week, and that is good.

Shout out to Stacy at Hollow Squirrel

I love it when you get things in the mail that are not sale ads, bills, or other assorted junk. So today I was really happy to receive a prize pack from Stacy, ie Mrs Squirrel. So as to not incite jealousy from people who read her blog but haven't won a contest yet, I will refrain from listing ALL of the items in the prize. But it was more than I expected, and prettily wrapped in nifty paper with a notecard too. And it made an otherwise ho hum kind of day into a better one. So thank you, Stacy, for a great blog, adorable photos, and the thoughtfulness and kindness you show to all of your readers.

I think I am going to have to start sending more cards to the people I care about more often. If a simple lot of prizes from a relative stranger can make me feel so much better, then I think I should spread the happiness.

Tuesday Night ramblings

I started the new job yesterday - 3 hours of very boring training. I will feel much better when I am actually on my own. I honestly don't know how this job will work out. I have done this type of work before but in a much more modern office. I am worried that I will pick up some really bad and unprofessional habits here. But as long as I get paid I am keeping my mouth shut. I had today off, as the manager chick was not there today. Once I ma settled into this job, I am going to look for another part time-ish job to boost up my savings and move out into my own place.

A new apartment will be the first place I have lived without Iggie in over half my life. I still tear up thinking about him and miss him. I was listening to music earlier, and "Old Shep" by Elvis came on. I had to fast forward to the next song. If you don't know it, check on youtube, but not if you are feeling sad. Trust me. I first became aware of this song while watching Family Ties. Michael Keatons older brother was coming for a visit and he was telling the family about how his older brother used to make him listen to the song and it would make him cry. Alex snarked at him about letting a simple song control his emotions. Later on, the older brother plays it, and Michael is cool, but Alex, overhearing it, burts into tears and says "he shot the dog!!!!" I have truly strange memories!

I watched part of the Grammy awards while on the phone with my friend GEM. GEM has been asked by his favorite jewelry store to help design gay friendly jewelry. Apparently the owner got wind (10 years after the 'discovery') that gay people may have more disposable income since they may not have children, and are therefore an untapped source of revenue.

I remember this being a big deal in the 90's, but since so many people of all orientations are adopting I think the gay=extra money thing is no longer true, if it ever was. Anyway, we both found it funny that I knew the correct oder for "GLBT" and he knew who had won what at the MTV awards. Keep in mind that GEM is in his 50's and gay. I am in my 30's and straight. But we just work well together. He is also a fan of Tupac Shakurs poetry, which along with being gay and over 50, he is white, which probably messes with the predicted fan base data for that market! I love that about him.

I have known him for 8 years now, and it never seems like it has been that long. So now I am thinking about what to get him for our 10 year anniversary. GEM always sends me wonderful jewelry and I would reciprocate, but honestly, he already has loads of it, and in every color and precious metal combination I can think of. It is a very serious case of what do you get for the man who has everything.

I did really well today and yesterday in terms of cleaning and organizing. I am trying to go along with the Flylady program, but somedays I am better than others. I cleaned the office of a bag of trash - old papers and junk, did at least three loads of laundry, vaccumed, swept the kitchen, cleaned my bathroom, made my bed, and took out the trash. The idea is to do a little every day in a routine until it gets to be a habit. All of this organization and cleaning is very new to me. I love to have things organized but I tend to be so wrappedup in everything being perfect that I get overwhelmed. I am proud of me for doing so well, and I will keep it up tomorrow too!

S. is due back on Friday, but emailed that he is not very far from here, and has no planned load after he delivers this one, so he may be back sooner than later. This Valentines Day is gonna suck, yo. I hate being alone on couple-y holidays. Oh well. Someday my prince will come.

I don't know why I watch this show, it only serves to depress me, but I will admit I always catch The Girls Next Door. On behalf of all of Europe, and also now the Bahama Islands, I wish to apologize for the existence of Kendra. Not all Americans are like that so please don't hate us. Every freakin scene that showed her in the dreadlock hat made me nauseous. And then there was the screaming... And was it just me or was Holly's sister less than impressed with pretty much everything? They both have the same annoying little tee-hee giggle that are like fingernails on a chalkboard while listening to Paris Hiltons record...

I also watched last weeks Survivor premiere. I haven't watched that show for a couple of years, so I was not sure who some of the favorites were. I think if I were to be a contestant I would either be the first to go or last person left. Due to insomnia, I would probably be better at The Amazing Race, which I have never watched a whole seaon of. But if I don't take my medication, I can be up for several days at a time. Not always pleasant, mind you, but alert and able to keep moving towards the next destination.

Thats all for now. Time to head for bed and another day of training tomorrow.

I got a job

Yay me. I looked online for a company that does something I have done before. I called, and was told they are not hiring. I mentioned I have experience and prefer to work nights. One interview later and I start Monday. It will be part time, the money is not great and there are no benefits. BUT : I needed a job. I can do this job, and it is a very relaxed atmosphere. AND my schedule gives me the time and opportunity to find a day job with bennies or take a couple of classes here and there. So, this is good.

S and I are still talking. I can't go back to the relationship we had. I am quite unsure that he is willing to put in the work and effort needed to change, so this is all still very up in the air. Also, he thinks he wants/needs to move back to his mothers house. While that may very well be the best financial situation for him right now, I ain't gonna do it.

I don't think he will understand why, all the reasons why, I am not willing to even consider it.

Oh well, I have a job, I will have my own money and be able to do more things on my own, so I am just going to take things as they come.

I am also going to have to figure out how to make the stupid camera work so I can post some pictures here. Right now, as usual when I am at the computer, The Dude is conked out on the top of the shelf on my desk. All four floofy Persian feet are stretched out into the air and his belly is ripe for the petting. Just because he is too cute not to mess with.

TV people who annoy me, Project Runway Edition

Christian. Christian. Christian.
I could almost overlook the bright red pants you were wearing. I could almost forgive your over usage of the word fierce as an adjective, verb, conjunction, and every other type of word. I could almost forgive your flock of seagulls meets fast moving vehicle hair. IF you weren't such a nasty little wench.

Yeah you have some talent, and someday when and if you grow up, then you will be succesful. But in the meantime, being more civil and less arrogant as you scamper over the backs of every one else higher up on the ladder would serve you well.

Rami.
W.T.H.??? Why did he go for the wierd draping again and why haven't the judges commented on it?

Jillian
I would love to see Tim eliminate her for not being prepared on time. Every single week she is straggling behind, desperately trying to finish her work before the runway show.

Sweet P
I liked her originally, but every week PR only shows her in a bad light, like watching The Perils of Pauline. Next week I fully expect to see a shot of her bound to a railway tie, struggling to iron a garment before the oncoming train comes. And then, every time she squeaks by into another week, her "surprised" look is getting alittle much.

Chris
I like Chris. I do not think he will win, but I like him.

Ricky
Well, we learned this week that Ricky does indeed have hair under the hat. And he did not cry this episode, which was good. Did anyone else think his orange bathing suit showed his models love handles in a very unflattering way? Not that there is a really flattering way to show love handles...

I loved Heidi in her sparkly red dress. And I was shocked to learn that there is an entire store devoted to just spandex.

And on to happy news. I have a job interview on Friday. Wish me luck. I have also almost completed my Control Journal (www.flylady.net) which I think is really going to help get me into a more organized and happier way of life. I am a total perfectionist and get frustrated easily when things are not done just so, but I am learning to change and grow. Life is, at the moment, good. So I am going to try and enjoy it while it lasts and prolong the smooth sailing as long as I can.

Yay me

S. came over yesterday to discuss "things". He wants to reconcile. I do not. I do not want to go back to the horribly toxic relationship we had and told him so. Every time that you have a breakup with someone, all your friends always say that you deserve better, can find someone better, and there are other fish in the sea. But this is the first time I am believing in it!

I DO deserve better, and I CAN find some one who will treat me the way I deserve and respect me and our relationship. But right now, I am feeling oddly sort of powerful in that I am going to re-start my life and I want more out of it. I need to start treating my self better. I am already envisioning that I will soon have a small tidy apartment that will be all mone, and I will find and partake in activities that I enjoy. On my own or with new people. And it only took 32 years for me to figure this out.