Thursday, February 21, 2008

Where I am, drugs, project runway. etc

I am doing ok. I think I could be a little better, but I have been so so so much worse. And the strangest thing about that is, that for the first time in over 10 years, I am not taking an anti-depressant. Or several. I am still taking a really strong drug to combat the insomnia, but none of the other stuff. Over the past 10 years, I have taken over 16 different drugs to try and feel better and sleep. Some of them helped a little, some had horrible side effects, and others were just useless but expensive pretty little pills. Valley of the Dolls much?

At one point, I was spending close to $500 a month to purchase my dose of Effexor - prescribed by an evil quack. Turns out, it was causing heart issues and my dosage could have been lethal since it was in combination with another drug he was prescribing. Finding a good physician that I can trust is a very hard thing for me to do. I had a really cool doc in Indianapolis that was witty and smart and totally "got" me and what I was telling her. I need to find a doctor like that here in Texas, but the odds are small that I will find another really cool person to work with. I had a great therapist too, but he retired just as we were really getting into the hard to deal with stuff. David could laugh at and with me and I was ok with that, which for a person with as many issues as I have was amazing!

Fun fact for all of my many readers (ok, I mean you Jenn, since you are the only commenter!), but I have issues with food. David says bulimia, but since it is infrequent I prefer to think it is not quite diagnosable as such. Anyway, at one point I had decided to overeat (ok "binge" if you wanna get all technical about it) on bagels and ate about 4 of them. Then I decided that I would be happier without them in my body. Yeah, some people may refer to that as a purge. But as it turns out, if one decides she wants to eat that much dough at one sitting, and not drink about 2 gallons of water with it, she is stuck with the result and the icky feeling that accompanies it. When I shared that with David, he roared laughter and told me that for as smart as I am supposed to be I didn't think about what I was doing. Any other person who laughed at me and said such a thing would do best to duck and cover because I usually unleash a verbal assault that will leave scars and a burning desire to re-check what I called you with a dictionary and or thesaurus. But I was ok with David. And that is progress.

I have not taken my Cymbalta for a little over 6 weeks-ish. Aside from a little withdrawal headache-y stuff, I haven't noticed many changes. I don't understand all of it, I am just happy I am not miserable.

I don't think that people who have not been in a major depression can ever truly understand how bad things can get for those of us who do suffer from depression. When things were at their lowest points, I would even have dreams that I was stuck on a staircase, and simply unable and or unwilling to move up or down. I say dreams and not nightmare, because it wasn't scary or strange to me, just an extension of what was going on in my waking life.

I think I am better in part because I am older, and I am a little more comfortable with my self, although there are still many many issues and changes I need to adress and make happen. I also think that I am feeling better because right now I am taking steps to make my life into the life I want to have. And I have stopped focusing on the idea that if something is not prfect it is not worthwhile. I am not perfect and will never be. But I can be better and I can still love myself in the journey to become happier and healthier. Wow. If the me of today could meet the me of 10 or 12 years ago, I could have saved my self a lot of stress! But better late than never, right?

And I am probably quite alone in this, but I am listening to John Denver and loving it. I want a man who will write a song like "Annies Song" or "Leaving on a jet plane" to share my life with. Just simple songs, full of love and caring.

Reading Christopher Moore - Island of the Sequined Love Nun. While it is not his best book in terms of making me laugh out loud, I am enjoying it, and I want a fuit bat like Roberto, which would probably violate many many rules and rental agreements, but I still want one.

As for Project Runway - the reunion show was last night. I liked it, but wished there was more. More more more of Victorya and her comments on being upset, more of Rickys dramatic tears, more of Chris's infectious gickle (giggle + cackle. I made it up but you can use it). But less of Christian. God help me, but I don't understand him getting the viewers choice award check. Sweetie darling, I knew queers and fag hags in my 20's, which was a decade ago. And even then "fierce" was being overused, so find another word to replace your every adjective. And you look like an angry Flo-Bee attacked you. And did anyone else notice Rami and Chris sitting all close together and being touchy-feely?

I was not surprised that non of the previous competitors thought Chris would win. But I still like him. And I was happy to see Steven again. He just looks happy, all the time. Sadly, I think Christian may win, but I am pulling for Jillian, even though she always seems sedated and semi-zombie-esque. I am over Rami and his draping fetish, and I am just not sure Chris will make it past the competition with him and Rami.

So, thats my update for today. Not sure if I will post over the weekend, and Monday I am picking up Iggies ashes from the vet, so I most likely won't be up to posting then. Have a great weekend.


The Ex said...

I've stopped taking my medicine plenty of times thinking that I was fine - only to have a breakdown soon after. It's so not worth it.

I hope you're right!

Jennifer said...

"Wow. If the me of today could meet the me of 10 or 12 years ago, I could have saved my self a lot of stress." I totally agree! Too bad that's so hard to see when you're in the moment...