Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Random stuff

It looks like I will finally be starting to work the night shift at my new job, which is good. "Training" for two weeks is getting old. And by training, I mean doing the same job for less pay because the person covering the shifts I was hired to fill does not want to part with the extra money yet. Sigh.

I picked up Iggies ashes on Monday. Fairly traumatic. Minor meltdown. Pleasant surprise though - the vets office made a little imprint of his paw and placed some fur in a baggie for me, which was really sweet of them. I already had a whisker saved!

Project Runway - I really wanted Chris to move on, although I knew he wouldn't. Rami seemed cute in the beginning but for some reason he gets uglier on every show. So now I am totally rooting for Zombie Jillian. Although she seems to be sedated most of the time, she has done some great work, and I think that since she has more experience then Christian, she might do better than he would at forging a business in the industry. Christian is talented, but if I had to deal with him on a regular basis I would probably investigate the local laws on justifiable homicide. Hearing that something is "fierce" in that creaky voice of his 10-15 times a day would push me over the edge.

So, last post I mentioned that I am virtually unmedicated. The Ex kindly pointed out that stopping meds can cause breakdowns. And while I totally agree, right now I am not in a free fall, but I love how there is support out there for me! I do think that I should see a doctor soon and maybe get on a low, maintainence type dosage of a medication, but I really don't want to have a lot of chemicals coursing through me again. I had told my last therapist that depression was like the coyote in the Road Runner cartoons. When I feel things getting bad, I scramble to keep my head above water, but by the time I realize it is as bad as it is, I am between cliffs with a long drop ahead of me. So, long story short, I am in a quest to find a new therapist and possibly a physician by the end of March. Although I am ok now, I don't want to go too far on my own, cause it gets scary!

I sat down tonight and made a list of goals for 2008 and a list of goals for the next 10 years. I have never actually sat out and written down stuff like that before. Partly because writing them down makes them real, and facing them, and partly because in my early years at home, my parents and siblings would make fun of things like this.

I had a speech teacher in college who told us about going crabbing. He said that when you had a bucket with a couple of crabs in it, one would always try to scrabble up to escape. But inevitably, one of the other crabs would reach up and snag the would-be escapee and drag it back down. I have not been in contact with my mother in a little over 10 years, my father 8. Yes they are still married to each other, I just managed to keep in contact with my father via his work phone number for a while longer then my mother. So now, I don't have any allegorical crabs to pull me down, I am ready to work harder on my own goals and be proud of myself for having them, and even prouder when I reach them.

I spent a lot of time in my 20's being angry with my parents. They were not good parents, and did not prepare me to be an adult, and or well functioning memeber of society. My cousin, who knows of all the family drama, told me that I shouldn't be so hard on them because they did the best that they could. I disagree. Having lived through it, I can see and tell you that there were times when they did not put any effort into raising their 5 offspring and they simply chose to ignore problems rather than deal with them. What is strange is that both of my parents are college graduates, and my mother even works as a victims advocate, counseling women in domestic violence/rape situations, but she beat the crap out of her own kids. I'll tell the world about the fly-swatter beating incident later.

And even though there is a very strong family history of depression and suicidal ideation/action, no one ever bothered to tell me. In high school, I missed over 60 days of my senior year. I would get up and drive off, but instead of going to school, I would drive to a park and sleep all day. My 17 year old self also spent a couple of nights a week at my 21 year old boyfriends house - yeah I totally thought I was soooo cool for dating a college guy 4 years older than me!

When the school sent a letter to my father detailing my lengthy absenteeism, there was no discussion, punishment, discipline or any reaction. I didn't figure out that that was not normal parental behavior until I was about 22. At the time I just thought I was hella lucky to get away with half the stuff I was getting away with! So, yeah, people tell me I am smart, and maybe I am, but I am not so observant! I can sort of laugh about that now though.

So now I am in my 30's, and althought there is still al ot of anger and sadness, I am learning (better late than never) to count on myself, and to teach myself how to meet my goals.

So, back to the pretty little pills - I think that because I have worked out a lot of the issues I had/have, I think I need a lot less medicating, but a regular check in and evaluation is in order.


Jennifer said...

Is it terrible that I'm 36 and have no goals? I mean, I want to raise my kids to be good people, but goals for myself, none! Seriously, I have a job that I like pretty well, but not because of the job duties (it's more the atmosphere and benefits that I appreciate) and I can't really imagine what I would WANT to do.... Gosh, it feels terrible to write that, to be so unambitious.
I, too, had a not-spectacular childhood, but, I don't think it was as bad as yours. Mine just weren't very available, time-wise or emotionally. When other parents took pictures before prom, set a curfew, etc, mine just did not. Like you I appreciated the freedom. But, now, as a parent of teenagers, I think "How?" "Why?" It does make me feel they just didn't care enough to be involved.
Furthermore, they aren't very involved with my kids. THey see them on holidays, but don't actively participate in their lives and it makes me sad for my children, not having a close grandparent relationship with any of their grandparents. (My husband's parents are actually worse than mine!)
ON a lighter subject, I was sad to see Chris go, too.

Maria said...

Jennifer - no it isn't terrible that you don't hav egoals, but I know that you have them. Maybe they are just little ideas like maybe someday you want to go to Italy, or that you want to throw the coolest birthday party for your kids.

But just being involved with your kids and wanting them to turn out happy and healthy is one of the more important goals to have, and it sounds like you are working on that every day.

For me, I just needed to see mine in a more concrete form and focus on them. Since I don't have, and probably will never have, children, mine can perhaps be a little more frivolous, but I hope you make it a goal to do something good for yourself sometimes too, like a massage and manicure.

Jennifer said...

Oh, the word "frivolous" did remind me of one goal-to own all matching bra and panty sets. (and nice ones at that!)