Sunday, July 13, 2008

What's wrong with his mouth, and why is it brown?

I adore my friend GEM. He and I totally get each other and have the same wickedly warped sense of humor. GEM has 4 dogs. Wednesday, while we were talking on the phone, they came tearing inside his house. One of them, Buster, paused at the door, near GEM, then bolted inside, and scampered around the corner, clearly trying to avoid notice. Not so fast, little guy. GEM noticed and asked the now infamous question above. GEMs dogs are small, sleek, black and white terriers. Busters mouth was now fluffy and brown. Because it was full of squirrel. Still warm and twitchy, but dead, squirrel. Ew.

GEM has a small creek running through his little farm. He wanted to send the squirrel down the river so to speak. To his freaky neighbors house. A little back info on the neighbor.

1. They are some strange cult of some sort.
2. They have a large handmade billboard in their yard with some Bible quote on it.
3. They have 3 or 4 teen boy children, who are only allowed outside to do chores.
4. Said children are surprisingly normal considering they are homeschooled, and by that I mean they are taught limited ideas from the bible, by their HS dropout mom, and given liberal viewings of Little House On The Prairie.
5. 2 summers ago, one of their horses died, of mysterious causes. The horse was dragged out of the barn by the whole famile, and covered in sheeting. Then it sat for 4 days until they had it hauled away.

All in all, GEM doesn't really care for the neighbors, although the boys have helped him clear some pasture with him. I suggested that he make a small sign of a 3x5 card saying "Repent Sinners" tie it on the rodent, and fling it on the neighbors porch. It is a very good thing that the two of us can cackle together over evil ideas, and not actually do them, yes?

I have known GEM for 8 years now, and I am so happy to count him as a friend. His actual initials do spell out GEM, which is amusing to me, because he has more jewelry than he knows what to do with. His house is like a pirates treasure trove with jewelry boxes everywhere. He is very generous, and my collection of "real" jewelry has increased significantly since I met him. I am looking forward to buying him a special piece of jewelry for our 10 year anniversary of being best friends, but the man already owns more jewelry than King Tut. And people say women are hard to shop for.

GEM does not have a computer or know how to access the internet. I love being able to find an out of print book he has been combing thrift shops for, in a matter of seconds, on Amazon, and sending it to him. I feel like the Wizard of Oz. It seems amazing that I can find things, but really anyone could do it. I asked GEM why he didn't have a computer, because surely he would love it and become hooked on it. He replied that that is exactly the reason he has never done crack either.

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