Thursday, July 3, 2008

And so I'm back. Without a trace.

I may be a little depressed. I think it is all situational, so I am just keeping an eye on things and not actively seeking to do anything about it. I am not oversleeping, as I am prone to do when really depressed, and I am keeping tabs on other thoughts and behaviors, and I think I can ride this out.

I keep thinking of things I could blog about, but I don't. So now I will. Totally random thoughts.

1. Is there anyone out there who is actually still buying premium gas? Seriously, regular is $4, who can afford the $4.50 and up stuff?

2. Why do the biggest most horrible spiders come into MY house? The worlds largest spider, and no I am not exaggerating, was killed in my kitchen mere hours ago. I am still creeped out. It was like a rogue extra from "Arachnophobia" had taken up residence here. I do have a bug phobia - diagnosed by a licensed professional - but I am not kidding when I tell you the fucker was 3 inches long. That was just the body. Good news, the spider was sprayed with (bad news) insect killer, and slithered to the floor. Then it got squooshed with a shoe. Not one of mine. Good news. The the shoe was placed on a chair. Bad news.

See the thing about phobias is, they are, by definition, not rational. I think it is perfectly rational for both the shoe and the chair that touched the shoe that touched the spider to be thrown out or Freecycled. Owner of the said shoe disagrees, and may have mumbled something about "ridiculous" while leaving the scene of the spidercide.

This is not the first or last time this is going to happen. A long time ago, when I lived in PA, there was a megalegger on the wall. Thats a centipede for those of you not in the know. I was very brave and smashed it with a cardboard box. I remember swinging at it, eyes closed, and yelping. So then the bug was dead, but the corpse remained on the wall. I had to ask a friend to come over to remove it. Friend arrived, cleaned bug bits off the wall with proffered paper towels, and placed the towels and bug bits into a trash bag. Friend then washed hands, per my frantic instructions, and then reached for the paper towels, picking the roll up by the center. I told him that he would now need to take the paper towels with him or throw them out, because his hands, that touched the paper towels that touched the dead megalegger, had now touched my roll of towels, and they were now tainted. I can see how this might seem extreme. I really can. But bugs and all things bug related horrify me. Remember those old screen savers, the ones where different bugs would crawl across the screen? Yeah. I couldn't handle those.

3. Why do little children instinctively kick my chairs? And why do their parents do nothing?

Number three is slightly less bad than number 2, and I will explain. Last February, I flew to Florida for a nice relaxing vacation. 1st flight, from Indy to Tennessee, I get seated in front of a 3 year old monster named Shayla, and her stupefying ineffective mother, name unknown. Every other word out of SI Moms mouth was Shayla. As in "Shayla, sit." "Shayla, let's be good now." "Shayla, look out the windows." "Shayla, do you want some juice?" Shayla Shayla Shayla. We hadn't even taken off yet and I knew this wasn't going to be good. Minutes into the flight and precious Shayla is kicking my chair. SI Mom noticed, and started with a litany of Shaylas. Included were requests for her to be good for mommy, remember how we promised to behave now, if you behave you get a toy.

OK, so I don't have children, but I know this much. If you have a child and you ask them a question, you are giving them the opportunity to disagree. So don't be surprised when they do. So when you ask your precious darling Shayla wouldn't she like to take a nap now, and she says no, it seems ridiculous to try and force the kid to sleep against her stated will.

Anyway, I told my seatmate that if the kid behind me kicked my seat again, I was going to tell her the truth about Santa Claus. Luckily Shaylas father overheard me, and maybe I purposely said it louder than necessary, but dad stepped in and gave the child something to occupy her rotten self for the rest of the flight.

So today, I went to see Hancock. Not going to spoil it for anyone, but I would save your money for a netflix rental of it when it comes out. Halfway through the movie, there is kicking and thumping on my chair. I let it go the first 10 minutes or so, which is breaking all bounds of my patience. Then I said that the brat behind me better quit kicking my chair. Kicking stops for 5 minutes, then is resumed. This is in a brand new theater, with big aisles, and plenty of room. Plus, it is a child behind me, so it isn't just a long legged individual fighting to get comfortable.

So I turned around and faced the little dick in training. I gave it the death stare and said "would you please stop kicking my chair" in a semi threatening voice. The evil seed looked at me sullenly, and full of resentment. The kid was seated with other children, no responsible adult in sight, the dick in training was maybe 8 or 9. The kicking was only occasional after that, but there was snorting and giggling involved. And then I did a bad thing.

After the movie let out, everyone rushed into the hallway. Damian (I am guessing at the name) was alone, near the wall. I walked by, on my way to the ladies room, and I brushed into him (the person I was with said I hip checked him. Whatever). I looked at him, made eye contact and offered a breezy "Sorry!" and kept on walking. And I got another vicious stare in return. Yeah, he was a child, but a rotten one, so I don't feel bad. And also? Where were the parents? They were seated in another section of the theater (same movie) and they were all together after I got out of the restroom. My first guess would be that the kid is so miserable that his own parents didn't even want to acknowledge him in public.

I fully realize that I clearly do not have the patience to raise a child(ren) of my own anytime soon. When a 32 year old gets into a virtual pissing war with a 8 year old, that doesn't bode well for either one. And I suppose any responsible, good parent reading this may be offended. But you know what? If this little future dicks parents had been doing a better job, or hey, maybe not letting the child sit unattended, none of this would have happened. And next time, I am sitting in the very last row at the movies.

I am a total fan of Liam Kyle Sullivan. And if you haven't seen the newest Kelly video "Booty Call", I suggest you head on over to YouTube and check it out, betch.

1 comment:

velocibadgergirl said...

Tell her the truth about Santa Claus!! Bwahahaha!

Freaking. Awesome.

As a fellow loather of seat-kickers, I'm going to remember that one.