Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Today is a bad day

Today just isn't good. And if I even hear a single verse of that song that says "cause you had a bad day..." I will puke.

I got up early, with good intentions, and I am just not getting anything done. I went out, planning on seeing a movie, that was listed on the theaters website, and when I got there, it is no longer playing. So I went back home, feeling grumpy all over, low on cash, and slightly desparate. Not desparate enough to go trolling for a 'date' on Craigslist, but still...

I am beginning to think that this is not just situational depression, it may be worse. I told my previous doctor and therapist both that depression is like a road runner cartoon, and I am the coyote. I keep running around and then by the time I realize how bad things are, I am way between the cliffs, with a loooong drop below. I hate this, and I resent it and I am angry all over that I can't seem to get better, meds or not. And no, inpatient therapy is not an option. I tried that for a week once upon a time and all I got out of it was a large bill and the loss of my job.

There is more to the story about my family, for a much later date, but depression apparently was encoded in the family DNA about 16 generations ago or more. But we don't talk about It. I know from a cousin, that my grandmother tried to kill her pregnant self by stepping in front of a subway train, but some good samaritan saved her, thus allowing the spawning of my mother, the original Bad Seed. In my family, we don't wait for post partum depression. No, this is an area we excel in, so why wait? And better yet, why not just keep breeding more people with depression and not discuss it or treat it?

A little more on the fam - apparently my mother had hip surgery some time last week. She will be 70 this year, and has also had a heart attack and other health issues. I have not been in contact with her in 12 years. Thats not just me, mind you, she doesn't call or write to me either. I have not spoken to my father in 8 years. They are still married, but I could call my father at his work number and avoid her if needed. Anyway, I am hoping that the hip replacement went well. Not so much because I care about her health, safety, and or comfort, but if something serious happens (death, coma, stroke, etc.) I may be summoned, and I? Am just.not.ready. to deal with the family right now. Out of the three brothers and a sister that I have, I only keep in touch with my middle brother, and dealing with the rest of them en masse is more than I can deal with not only now, but possibly forever. And given mommie dearests health (and dads too - diabetes, prostate cancer), and their age - both will be 70 this year, it seems unlikely that we can continue down the miserable path of dysfunction very much longer.

So today is a bad day and I am angry about the following things, in no particular order:
1. That I am depressed.
2. Again.
3. That I spent the first 20 years of my life feeling like crap and not knowing why.
4. That even when I realized there was a name for this, knowledge didn't fix anything.
5. That I have spent the equivalent of a hefty down payment on a home over the past 12 years trying to medicate and therapize (is that a word?) myself to normal levels. Seriously, at times I spent $500 a month on antidepressant meds.
6. That there is so much more I am feeling and I can't deal with it enough to even keep typing. What I really want to do is go take a fucking nap, but if I go lay down, I won't sleep unless I take the sleeeping meds, and if I do that, I will probably sleep for 14 hours and then feel bad about it.
7. That I have lived here for over a whole year and haven't made a single friend here. I am horribly lonely, and that isn't helping things.
8. I think the MariaMobile needs some sort of brake work, and I can't afford it, but then again, you can't afford not to have brakes either. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

"That even when I realized there was a name for this, knowledge didn't fix anything."

Isn't that frustrating? I deal with the issue, but not depression, anxiety. I will know I am way over-reacting, that my anxiety is out of proportion to events and my husband will say "Just stop worrying" and totally doesn't get that that would be like telling him to stop breathing. JUST NOT POSSIBLE! Even though I know in my mind that it's not rational.