True Love, belated Valentines

I am in love.

With a drug.

After over a dozen years, a dozen meds, and thousands of dollars, I have found one that works.

And I LOVE IT.

Turns out that even though I was situationally depressed several times, depression is not the root of all of my mental evil.

So until I reach a tolerance, or a better drug comes along, Strattera, will you be mine?

SGI

So I have been reading about Buddhism for a while, and my new book club just finished "Eat, Love, Pray" which I really liked. And today I went to an SGI meeting, which is a Buddhist group. I am not sure this is the way for me, but it was interesting. The wierd thing is that a co-worker of mine invited me. The manager at the day job had asked if I wanted to go to the Assembly of God church that she attends, which I would avoid like the plague, so to be asked to another "church" by a second co worker was strange but I am glad I went. S. went too, which really surprised me becausehe has always been anti-religion, but he really liked it. Well, I asked for change and I guess I am getting it.

bad thing

So yesterday the night job boss cooked up a storm for the office. I worked the day job til 7p then went for some pad thai. Unfortunately I was stressed and upset and over tired and I ate stuff at the night job. And then I purged.

I am going to a Buddhist meeting thing tomorrow and trying to make changes but my body and behavior are telling me it is not enough and I need to make adjustments NOW

Changes

I need to make some major changes in my life. I am not sure exactly how to go about it, but I just feel that I am where I am supposed to be right now, but that this is not the place for me to be very much longer. I am both terrified and exhilirated to change.

My job - the day one - is not using me to my full potential, but it can be a means to support myself while I look for something else.

The Predator - is not going to be the total package for me. But I am not ready to give that up yet either.

Texas - is not the state that I want to live in forever. I like the fact that it is sunny and warm, which I think is good for my depression, but I miss the seasons, and the fact that all year long seems like an endless summer doesn't help me to get motivated.

My body - I am treating it better than I have before, but I need it to last a very long time and in good shape, so I need to take the time to care for it more. I am taking a vitamin though, which is a good first step.

Blah

So I decided to leave early from work, and by early I mean still clocking over an hour extra, so I could go home, play with The Woo (the cat) wash some dishes and generally create some balance. That was well and good until The Online Predator called and we went out until 9:30p. Now it is late, I am tired and I still need to take a shower and go to bed. I need to get a handleon my life before I crash again.

letter of the law

So I have been posting every day so far this month. And most have been very short. Iam following the letter of the NaBloPoMo law, but not the spirit.

There are so many things I think I could blog about, or would like to. I am smart, funny and creative, but I am just not able to express it all as much as I would like to. Plus I am still stupidly working 70 hours or more per week. And I am closer to burning out then I would like to have to think about.

I need to quit the night job. But I am afraid. I don't have a support system here, my credit is not all that great, my car is ancient, and what happens if I lose my job, or the car breaks or something else comes up. And in typing this, I am moreinclined to write WHEN the car breaks, and WHEN I lose my job. And I can't live in fear, but I have also been homeless and jobless and depressed before and I can't do that to myself again, but working so much is not and can not be the answer. In fact, over stressing my self ismostlikely going to cause me to lose myjob or to self destruct. But fear is a powerful force to reckon with, and I don't know what to do.

From PostSecret

This is a quote from PostSecret. I love the site and I love the quote. "We accept the love we think we deserve."

RIP Camille 1993-2008

Iggie on the left, Camille on the right

Thursday is going down as the second most horrible day of my life. I had to make the decision and sign permission for the vet to euthanize Camille. When I got to the vets office after work Thursday she was halfway gone already; I'd like to think that she hung on long enough to let me say goodbye and tell her I love her for the last time.

I have worked for a veterinarian before. I have assisted in the euthanasia of animals before, but to do this to my own baby was miserable. When Iggie died in January, he died at home, on his own, and I know he would have preferred it that way. It was slow and agonizing, but I am glad I was with him for it. With Camille, I know she was hurting and very cold - her body temp was only 95-ish, and cats should be at 101-102. So I am glad she didn't have to suffer anymore, but it still felt wrong to make the decision to end her life for her and have to sign the permission form.

Everyone has told me that at least she is not in pain anymore, but I am. And that is not going to get better for a long time. I know most people who see this will only see a picture of two black cats. But those who know me will know that this is a family portrait for me, because these two sweet creatures WERE my sole family for so long.

Choices

So I started the new job. The one I don't think I want. And I started a new relationship and I am not sure where that is going.

New job - pay is not all that great, benefits are ok, although no dental until I have been there a year, which sucks. New job is dealing with a lot of paperwork, and reports - and I don't get why in 2008, a company is still making zillions of copies and paying to UPS them overnight. Wouldn't a scanner and a good back up system work a little better?

I have also worked completely by myslef for the last 7 months, so this is a big adjustment. I am going to give the job a try for 2 weeks, and then make a decision. I am still applying and emailing for other open jobs.

New relationship - well, the online predator is turning out to be a very nice guy. Obviously I know he isn't perfect, but right now I am really enjoying my time with him. And yeah, we had the infamous 3rd date, which I am not very proud of, but it was great, and I am feeling much less depressed having human contact and company.

Unfortunately, S. is now trying to be nice to me and I am really confused by this. I suspect some of the attitude change is due to a new man being in my life. There is a pull to go back to the familiar, just because new things scare the bejeebers outta me. But I feel that there is just too much damage done between the two of us to make any relationship work there. But being civil to each other would be a good step.

I worked the night job on Friday and Saturday nights - Friday pretty much sucked because I was tired, and worse, bored. I didn't bring the book I need to read for the 2nd book club, so I didn't have much to do during the quiet hours. And my brain is a scary little monster when left to its own devices. I think if I remember to bring a book or movie then I can continue to work weekends and the day job. At least until the new year. Since I have a pitiful bank balance, I need to save up a little cushion and also replace the MariaMobile soon.

I have no idea what I am doing. With the jobs, with the online predator, with life in general. I sometimes feel like such a failure and the depression, which is never far away comes prowling around my head again. I have been very lucky in some ways, and I know I can survive worse things than what I am dealing with now, but I am over surviving. I need to thrive. And I just need some sort of cosmic sign that everythig is going to be ok.

WOW

I had a little epiphany last night. I LIKE going out and meeting friends.

I had truly forgotten that.

For the past year, I have been home almost every day. There were some weeks that I may have only left the house once or twice. Moving here, and not knowing anyone is truly horrible for me. And S. would never go out anywhere that didn't involve food, preferably fried, and even that was rare.

So I am not a total social butterfly, but being out last night for a book club made me feel happier than I have in a while. Since the first book club seems to be disbanding - several military moves - I was happy to see another member at the new one. And I have another fledgling book club meeting later this month. Things like this make me think that I just may be ok.

And now the snark.

I like books. I like people who like books. And I am not a total snob. HOWEVER, suggesting romance novels for a book club made me snicker, although inwardly so as not to be rude. Seriously, how much discussion about plot and foreshadowing are you gonna get out of any book with Fabio carrying a woman in a Victorian nightie on the cover?

Tuesday Generalities

So I have a new book club meeting tonight. This is the starter meeting, so I have no idea if it will last.

I am going to an office to fill out an app tomorrow, and there is a group interview on Thursday. I hate the group interview. When I did staffing and recruiting for an agency, I would have group interviews, but then again I was trying to hire as many people I could bill for as possible. When an employer is only looking to hire one person though, I don't think it works as well. The job market here truly sucks. I know that nationwide things are not the greatest, but I am widening my searches to places over an hour away and still coming up with very little.

Had a horrible fight with S. on Sunday. Lost control, said many things I should not have. I am apparently a very angry scared person, and not dealing very well.

On the plus side, my email buddy and I are getting along well. Unfortunately, today he emailed his cell number, and that just makes me want to put the brakes on. Yeah it would be nice if the first guy I talk to turns out to be "the one", but odds are stongly against that happening. I am not up for any relationship right now, let alone a rebound one. Plus, I am still in the same living quarters as the ex, so that would make things difficult to say the least.

I am tired, and considering taking anap, but I am afraid that I will start sleeping 20 hours a day again. Yeah, I said 20. I am that good of a sleeper when depressed. On a good day, I could go for 22 or more. But that isn't a goal I am trying to work towards.

I have been worse

That has been my mantra for the past couple of days. I have been worse. And I have. And I can (could I?) be better, but I am not sure I am up for fighting with the forces that be for decent mental health.

At the very worst, I remember having endless nightmares of being on a staircase, and being unable to move. I knew that I had to move, but just couldn't do it. My waking hours were not much better. My dreams as of late haven't been memorable, but the feelings of being immobile are creeping in.

Static

Some days, I think that there are too many changes going on in my life. And others, not enough changes.

I think I am where I am because I need to be here, but I am not sure what exactly I am supposed to be learning in order to move on. I can see some patterns in my life that I want to change, and will work on being so passive about. But overall, I am just overwhelmed.

I have lots of job skills, but I haven't had jobs that lasted more than 2 years for various reasons - moving, quitting, boss dying. The jobs here and even in a 60 mile radius just don't seem to be what I am looking for.

I need to find a new place to live, after I find a job and I hate this. Not that I like where I am mind you, but change is too much for me sometimes. I have been here just over a year, and I still don't know anyone. Yeah, I meet with the bookclub, but it is disbanding, and I haven't really connected with anyone there. Co-Workers are not really an option either. I hate that I don't know how to get around TX very well, and I don't know the good areas from the bad in terms of finding a place to live. I am truly terrified of living without a support system. I have done it before and it isn't fun. If I get offered the job I interviewed for, I don't even know who to list for my emergency contact form.

I think I was doing ok without meds, but the more the situational depression is increasing, I think the more I am sinking. And I hate it. I am tired of crying.

Meaner than a snake

Today I just feel mean.
Perhaps it is that I did not get enough sleep the last couple of days.
A smidge of the grumpiness may be blamed on PMS.
Some of it is due to the fact that half of the jobs in the paper turn out to be scammy - wanting me to sign up with their service, or pay a fee for the info.
But I have a nasty suspicion that this is depression irritability, and I don't want to go into all of that right now.

I am going to go to bed soon, forfeiting the new book club meeting, and gearing up to go to the bank tomorrow to see why I am still being charged fees for last weeks fuck up with my compromised debit card.

I really don't want to miss the book club start up meeting. On the one hand, getting out and meeting people is somethign that would probably be very good for me. On the other, I could end up alienating everyone and being bitter. And I have my old age reserved for that.

The way I see it, in another 10 years or so, I will be referred to as "Mean Ole Lady J____". Neighbor children will be afraid to retrieve frisbees or balls thrown in my yard. When a toy is launched over my inevitably high fence, the other children will pull back the toys owner and admonish him that they have a cousin, who knew this kid whose brother went in my yard once, and was never seen again, and ominously tell him that I didn't buy cat food for like 6 weeks after that kid disappeared...

I am not sure if I really need meds right now, so much as I need therapy, and possibly a life coach or six, but meds may come into play too. I hate starting over with new docs to begin with, especially given my long and varied prescription med history. I have been looking around for drug info though, and the one that I think may help is Adderall, which ok, is technically a little bit of an amphetamine.

I don't want to appear to be drug seeking, but the SSRI's didn't work, Cymbalta didn't help, Effexor was a horrific nightmare, and I just don't seem to get any better. I need to find a doc with a lot of experience with psychotropic medication (professional, that is, not personal or recreational, thanks). I wish you could interview docs for the position. If you make an appt, and don't like the doc, or don't think that it is going to be a good fit, you still have to pay, and since I don't have insurance, that is prohibitively expensive.

Long story short, I am grumpy and tired, and going to be for at least 12 hours in the hope that tomorrow will be better, and I will return to my normal sunshiny disposition.

Work Crap

Tonight, I am going out for dinner with my boss and coworkers. I don't want to go. I don't want to go to the nth degree, and if it wouldn't make me look just a wee bit undignified, I would stomp my heel, and cry a little over it. Since I am home alone, I could very well indulge in that behavior and no one but me would be the wiser...

A couple of weeks ago, one of our clients had some major issues, resulting in a lot of calls for us. So they sent a thank you letter. And tonight, boss is taking us out to thank us. This is all well and good.

What is not so good is that I am not really into socializing with my coworkers. Running down the list, we have:
2 people I truly dislike,
1 person who makes Kendra from the Girls Next Door look like a Rhodes Scholar, who can also not speak below the decibel level of a jet plane during takeoff
1 who has more mental issues than I do (I know!!!!),
1 person I like but who will probably not be there, and who is crotchety and very loud
1 person that I do like
and, the boss. I have worked at this job for 6 months and have seen the boss about 6 times. This is because I works nights Th-F-S, so I call her my invisible boss.

We are going to The Outback. A steakhouse. I am trying really hard to stick to the vegan diet. I called the restaurant yesterday, and they do not have anything vegan. I will end up with a salad, but will have to specify no egg, no bacon bits, no cheese, and please for the love of god no mushrooms. Not cause they aren't vegan, because mushrooms are evil and I hate them. I also do not want to be part of a big discussion I have already heard, many times, about why I am vegan, and "gee, I could never do it", and blah blah blah, live in Texas, state point of pride to eat meat...

Texas also still has smoking/non smoking sections, and because several workers smoke, we will be in the smoking section. Oh, and did I mention that the boss is paying for drinks as well?

Everyone else at this job has been there for 2-20 years. Again, I have 6 months. Not only do I not fit in, but I do not want to fit in.

I hate feeling this way. The boss called yesterday to make sure I was going, and announced where we were going - I just knew there were plans to go out, not where. I am such a bitch at times and can be very strong, but not on the important stuff, and I am not very good at just saying no. And I know that I could, theoretially, call the boss and say that there isn't anything on the menu that is vegan, and I am not comfortable going and watching people chow down on animal flesh, which really does nauseate me, but I don't really feel like I can actually do that.

I work for a very small company, which is extremely casual, so it isn't like I work with clients who expect to see me there, or that my attendance could mean the diff. between being made partner in a firm. But if I didn't go, I think I would be discussed at length (my god these people know how to gossip!) and that I would feel left out.

Then again, how much of this is just that I am really depressed, and uncomfortable, and hate any sort of change? Going out would probably be good for me, but I need different people to go out with. And going out with work people and people who do not know me well really does take quite a bit of effort. To keep smiling and making cheerful polite conversation for 2 hours is just a chore for me right now. I will not be discussing politics, money, mental health, family, or any books (cause this is a non reading group of mouthbreathers), or the cats at great length.

So yeah, I am totally Debbie Downer and feeling sorry for myself right now. Tomorrow will be better, right?

On the positive - and you didn't think I had a positive side didja?- I am trying again with FLYlady. www.flylady.net I have had the book for over a year, and made a lovely control journal, and then wondered why everything wasn't perfect. Yeah, the working at it part is what tripped me up. Gets me every time!

I made my bed this morning, and I am going to put away the clean dishes when I am done posting. Last night I made me habit forming reminders. Instead of using post-its for reminders, I got 4x7 cards with plastic photo sheets to cover them. This way I can keep them from getting humid and wrinkly in the kitchen and bathroom, plus they look pretty. And because the printer is way neater than my writing.

I do need to watch this though, since I do have perfectionist tendencies, and then I get overwhelmed and think that if I can't do something absolutely perfectly, then I shouldn't do it. So, I am taking the necessary baby steps. Wish me luck. Tonight at The Outback, and with FLY-ing.

Random stuff

It looks like I will finally be starting to work the night shift at my new job, which is good. "Training" for two weeks is getting old. And by training, I mean doing the same job for less pay because the person covering the shifts I was hired to fill does not want to part with the extra money yet. Sigh.

I picked up Iggies ashes on Monday. Fairly traumatic. Minor meltdown. Pleasant surprise though - the vets office made a little imprint of his paw and placed some fur in a baggie for me, which was really sweet of them. I already had a whisker saved!

Project Runway - I really wanted Chris to move on, although I knew he wouldn't. Rami seemed cute in the beginning but for some reason he gets uglier on every show. So now I am totally rooting for Zombie Jillian. Although she seems to be sedated most of the time, she has done some great work, and I think that since she has more experience then Christian, she might do better than he would at forging a business in the industry. Christian is talented, but if I had to deal with him on a regular basis I would probably investigate the local laws on justifiable homicide. Hearing that something is "fierce" in that creaky voice of his 10-15 times a day would push me over the edge.

So, last post I mentioned that I am virtually unmedicated. The Ex kindly pointed out that stopping meds can cause breakdowns. And while I totally agree, right now I am not in a free fall, but I love how there is support out there for me! I do think that I should see a doctor soon and maybe get on a low, maintainence type dosage of a medication, but I really don't want to have a lot of chemicals coursing through me again. I had told my last therapist that depression was like the coyote in the Road Runner cartoons. When I feel things getting bad, I scramble to keep my head above water, but by the time I realize it is as bad as it is, I am between cliffs with a long drop ahead of me. So, long story short, I am in a quest to find a new therapist and possibly a physician by the end of March. Although I am ok now, I don't want to go too far on my own, cause it gets scary!

I sat down tonight and made a list of goals for 2008 and a list of goals for the next 10 years. I have never actually sat out and written down stuff like that before. Partly because writing them down makes them real, and facing them, and partly because in my early years at home, my parents and siblings would make fun of things like this.

I had a speech teacher in college who told us about going crabbing. He said that when you had a bucket with a couple of crabs in it, one would always try to scrabble up to escape. But inevitably, one of the other crabs would reach up and snag the would-be escapee and drag it back down. I have not been in contact with my mother in a little over 10 years, my father 8. Yes they are still married to each other, I just managed to keep in contact with my father via his work phone number for a while longer then my mother. So now, I don't have any allegorical crabs to pull me down, I am ready to work harder on my own goals and be proud of myself for having them, and even prouder when I reach them.

I spent a lot of time in my 20's being angry with my parents. They were not good parents, and did not prepare me to be an adult, and or well functioning memeber of society. My cousin, who knows of all the family drama, told me that I shouldn't be so hard on them because they did the best that they could. I disagree. Having lived through it, I can see and tell you that there were times when they did not put any effort into raising their 5 offspring and they simply chose to ignore problems rather than deal with them. What is strange is that both of my parents are college graduates, and my mother even works as a victims advocate, counseling women in domestic violence/rape situations, but she beat the crap out of her own kids. I'll tell the world about the fly-swatter beating incident later.

And even though there is a very strong family history of depression and suicidal ideation/action, no one ever bothered to tell me. In high school, I missed over 60 days of my senior year. I would get up and drive off, but instead of going to school, I would drive to a park and sleep all day. My 17 year old self also spent a couple of nights a week at my 21 year old boyfriends house - yeah I totally thought I was soooo cool for dating a college guy 4 years older than me!

When the school sent a letter to my father detailing my lengthy absenteeism, there was no discussion, punishment, discipline or any reaction. I didn't figure out that that was not normal parental behavior until I was about 22. At the time I just thought I was hella lucky to get away with half the stuff I was getting away with! So, yeah, people tell me I am smart, and maybe I am, but I am not so observant! I can sort of laugh about that now though.

So now I am in my 30's, and althought there is still al ot of anger and sadness, I am learning (better late than never) to count on myself, and to teach myself how to meet my goals.

So, back to the pretty little pills - I think that because I have worked out a lot of the issues I had/have, I think I need a lot less medicating, but a regular check in and evaluation is in order.