Choices

So I started the new job. The one I don't think I want. And I started a new relationship and I am not sure where that is going.

New job - pay is not all that great, benefits are ok, although no dental until I have been there a year, which sucks. New job is dealing with a lot of paperwork, and reports - and I don't get why in 2008, a company is still making zillions of copies and paying to UPS them overnight. Wouldn't a scanner and a good back up system work a little better?

I have also worked completely by myslef for the last 7 months, so this is a big adjustment. I am going to give the job a try for 2 weeks, and then make a decision. I am still applying and emailing for other open jobs.

New relationship - well, the online predator is turning out to be a very nice guy. Obviously I know he isn't perfect, but right now I am really enjoying my time with him. And yeah, we had the infamous 3rd date, which I am not very proud of, but it was great, and I am feeling much less depressed having human contact and company.

Unfortunately, S. is now trying to be nice to me and I am really confused by this. I suspect some of the attitude change is due to a new man being in my life. There is a pull to go back to the familiar, just because new things scare the bejeebers outta me. But I feel that there is just too much damage done between the two of us to make any relationship work there. But being civil to each other would be a good step.

I worked the night job on Friday and Saturday nights - Friday pretty much sucked because I was tired, and worse, bored. I didn't bring the book I need to read for the 2nd book club, so I didn't have much to do during the quiet hours. And my brain is a scary little monster when left to its own devices. I think if I remember to bring a book or movie then I can continue to work weekends and the day job. At least until the new year. Since I have a pitiful bank balance, I need to save up a little cushion and also replace the MariaMobile soon.

I have no idea what I am doing. With the jobs, with the online predator, with life in general. I sometimes feel like such a failure and the depression, which is never far away comes prowling around my head again. I have been very lucky in some ways, and I know I can survive worse things than what I am dealing with now, but I am over surviving. I need to thrive. And I just need some sort of cosmic sign that everythig is going to be ok.

YAY

Since I hit 50 posts, I was going to do a list of 50 things about me. Screw that. I just nabbed a black leather Kenneth Cole bag off of Craigslist for ten freaking dollars! Gorgeous, slightly bigger than a laptop carrier, perfect condition, bag for basically pennies. I love Craigslist! And I love my new bag.

Oh and yeah, I start my new job tomorrow.

OMG

OK, first the job interviews.

1. Interview for job I don't think I want. Interviewing chick was late. Only like 5 minutes, but no apology or acknowledgement of her lateness, which bothers me. Also, she asked if I had children which is one of the top ten HR no-no's. On the plus side, I get to go for a drug screen tomorrow. Whoo hoo? And a 2nd interview with interview chick and distruct manager on Tuesday.

2. Interview for the job I wanted. The doctor asked me what kind of medical practice I worked for before, I told him hair replacement. NO not plugs! Individually cut and placed hair follicles thankyouverymuch, which is a long and expensive procedure. Anyway, interviewing doc is losing hair and spent 15 minutes discussing surgical options with me before telling me he thought I was over qualified. Then WHY THE FUCK did he even have me come in for an interview??? I don't wish anyone harm, because that karma is a bitch, yo. HOWEVER, If maybe he was uneligible for hair replacement surgery I would feel vindicated somehow.

The good news? One, I bought a pair of jeans in a size smaller than I was, so yay freaking me! and Two? I have a date, sort of, tonight. I am meeting the email guy from Craigslist. Best friend GEM is referring to him as My Online Predator, which amuses him to no end. GEM works in a prison as a nurse and is able to screen any potential dates he has to see if they have ever been arrested. I don't have that info available to me, so if I don't post for a week or so, someone please inform the local authorities... We are going to see the new flick with Samuel L. Jackson - "pleasant terrace" or something. Yeah I am that lazy not to look online for a movie title.

This is so exciting, because I was in a very boring and bad relationship for 4 years, so new and interesting is a big deal to me.

I also had a couple of epiphanies about my life and what I need to do. More on that later.

My new book club selection is Come Back, by the Fontaines. I finished it last night and it was a very difficult read for me, and made me think a whole lot of not easy things about myself. More on that later too. Not going to do anything today that makes me weepy. Plus I am a little PMS-y so anything weepy could snowball. Happy thoughts only, kthxbai!

Good Luck to me

I have two job interviews tomorrow. TWO! One at a doctors office and the other for a DME company. Hoping like mad I will get the doctors office position. Have new and hopefully lucky navy suit ready to go, and all of my interview charm on deck for schmoozing.

Pay sucks in this area, so I will most likely keep the other job on Friday and Saturday nights, but I can do that - for a while anyway.

Talked to GEM for 3 hours tonight - discussed clothing for interview and everything else under the sun, including some very appreciated confidence in me and my abilities. I love GEM. He is such the perfect firend for me. I may not have had much luck finding a romantic life partner, but so glad I have GEM in my life.

Tuesday Generalities

So I have a new book club meeting tonight. This is the starter meeting, so I have no idea if it will last.

I am going to an office to fill out an app tomorrow, and there is a group interview on Thursday. I hate the group interview. When I did staffing and recruiting for an agency, I would have group interviews, but then again I was trying to hire as many people I could bill for as possible. When an employer is only looking to hire one person though, I don't think it works as well. The job market here truly sucks. I know that nationwide things are not the greatest, but I am widening my searches to places over an hour away and still coming up with very little.

Had a horrible fight with S. on Sunday. Lost control, said many things I should not have. I am apparently a very angry scared person, and not dealing very well.

On the plus side, my email buddy and I are getting along well. Unfortunately, today he emailed his cell number, and that just makes me want to put the brakes on. Yeah it would be nice if the first guy I talk to turns out to be "the one", but odds are stongly against that happening. I am not up for any relationship right now, let alone a rebound one. Plus, I am still in the same living quarters as the ex, so that would make things difficult to say the least.

I am tired, and considering taking anap, but I am afraid that I will start sleeping 20 hours a day again. Yeah, I said 20. I am that good of a sleeper when depressed. On a good day, I could go for 22 or more. But that isn't a goal I am trying to work towards.

Good News!

After being told that I would hear back from the company "in a couple of days", which is closer to two weeks, I have been asked to come in for a second interview with the manufactured building company.

Still not thinking that I really want this job, but I really really really need a FT job, so I will take it if offered. Maybe it will be better than I imagine. Which, given that I am such a pessimist, seems likely.

Heres the thing that makes me think negatively about this job. When I was first called after sending in a resume, this woman, "G" called me to set up the interview. I asked who I should ask for when I arrived. She said her name was "G", but if I couldn't remember, just tell the receptionist I was here for the 2:15. OK, sweetie. I am an adult with 12 years of professional experience as well as some college education. I think I can remember a name, in fact I tend to write out interview information, I just wanted to know who I would be meeting with.

At the actual interview, I was sent in with "G" and another person "D". They introduced themselves and then condescendingly asked me if I knew the name of the job I was applying for. Straight the hell out of Sesame Street. I was so tempted to Southern Drawl it up and tell them that I was tryin to get myself hired here for the fry job at t'Burger King, but seein as how there ain't no pickles or mayo lyin around, maybes I'm in the wrong place and could these two ladies kindly he'p me out?

Luckily, I only had to talk to them for five minutes, then I was sent to meet with the man who would be my manager, who I liked, and who did not speak to me like I was five.

I have a major coupon dealio that expires tomorrow, so I am going to blow $200 for work clothes which will then give me $200 off a matching $200 future purchase. It has been a really long time since I bought a lot of clothes so I am way excited. More excited about the clothes than the job prospect.

Glad its over

So last night I went out to dinner with the boss and some coworkers. Can I be completely honest and say that next time there are thanks to be made, could I just have cash instead?

The 2 woworkers I do not like showed up. The loud dumb one came too, but I am surprisingly touched by her. I think she is just as, if not lonlier than I am, and she has no social skills whatsoever. And she is aware of the dearth of social skills, which is sad. More on that later in another post.

One of the ones I like came, and the boss.

Drinks were downed, but not by me - alcohol plus my sleep meds are a bad combination, yo.

Coworker #1 that I do not like slurped down a large bowl of pasta, and more bread than even I, an accomplished binger, would consider eating.

Coworker #2 that I do not like spent over 10 minutes begging everyone else to help her make the decision between steak and chicken for her. For fucks sake chicky, you are at least 30 years old and have 2 children. Grow the hell up and make a choice. It was chicken or steak, not a debate on ethics. Is it just me or are people like this just looking for attention?

I asked for a salad, telling the waiter dude no eggs, cheese or meat. What I got was a plate of wet iceberg lettuce, a couple of grape tomatoes, croutons, and some red onion.

Let me make it clear that I understand The Outback is a steakhouse. But really, y'all, iceberg, tomatoes and onion? And I didn't eat the croutons because they seemed to be re-assigned garlic bread, possibly made with butter and or cheese.

That was a pretty poor excuse for a salad. Not only because it just was, but for other reasons:
1. The is a spinach Cobb salad on the menu. So I know you have some spinach in the kitchen.
2. I ordered some sort of spritzer drink that came with lime, orange, and CUCUMBERS! So I know you have those too!
3. The regular salad includes shredded carrots. So maybe they came pre-shredded in the salad mix, but because I am irritated, I am going to go ahead and count carrots as another tasty ingredient that could have made its way into my salad.
4. And ok, so the gimmick is it's supposed to be an Australian* steakhouse. I don't care. Get some freaking Italian dressing. Your mustard vinaigrette was blah.
5. There is a side dish offered of steamed veggies, including peas, squash, broccoli, and maybe cauliflower?? So again, maybe these come frozen, pre mixed together, but I am not sure about that either, so I will consider them to be lost salad items too. Not that I wanted raw squash. And I don't eat peas in the pod. But still, more effort could have been made.

*Australian, really? Cause chicken fried steak is on the menu, and I thought that was a traditional southern AMERICAN dish.

The vegan things sort of sucks. I have not been 100% vegan for more than 24 hours yet. I have cheated with pasta, because rice pasta is just not the same, and soem cheesey Pirates Booty, and other things. But I really am trying to be better to my body.

I am so picky about food, and it is hard to stay on the straight and oh so narrow, but I think I do much better without dairy, and meat was never a big thing for me. I need to leran to try more food. Like fruit. I like mine fresh out of the can. But only peaches, pineapple and pears. I only get what is in fruit juice though, not the fructose syrup, but I know fresh is better than canned. Sometimes I buy fresh pineapple. I am not sure if I have ever actually eaten a fresh pear before.

Back to the dinner....(my train of thought jumps more tracks than AMTRAK)I was surprised by how well things went. No one ordered appetizers, and there wasn't any lingering after the meal which made it better. I still do not want to hang out in public with these people on a regular basis, but it wasn't as bad as I feared. Although I am not comfortable with people like this, I tend to get almost semi-manic and bubbly. But that really exhausts me. And the coworkers were not good conversationalists. I was surprised by how little the boss spoke. I don't know her very well, and I had hoped to learn a little more, but she is not a chatty cathy.

I missed my book club meeting last night - partially because the group leader didn't send the usual email reminder, and also because I went to this dinner. But that's just as well since I am only haLFway through the book I was supposed to read, and it is just not that interesting yet. I will most likely slog through it though, since I paid for it.

And speaking of paying for it, I am going to be so wiped tomorrow. I worke up before 10a, and haven't been able to get a nap. Napping is hard because I am unable to sleep without meds, and when I take the meds, I need at least 6 hours. I hope tonight is very slow at work, so I can snooze or veg out to the TV.

Job interview was ok. I may be offered the job, and if I am, I will most likely take it. I do not want it, but I am desparate for something full time with higher pay. IF, and these are a lot of ifs, I do take it, the challenge will be to keep looking for something better. This job is basically a glorified receptionist, and I am so over that in terms of education, experience, and skills. But I need a job, and I need to find a place to live, so I will take what I can get. I just have to keep reaching for more.

The job in question is basically M-F 8-5, but may require some hald day Saturdays. Because I need money, I am hoping to keep the current job, and work Friday and Saturday nights, possibly picking up a few hours during the week. I will post about money later, but I am monetarily manic depressive. I try and hoard it all, but then will spend wildly when I am depressed or bored. Buying new shoes on Amazon is slightly better for me than eating because I am bored, but it is a slim margin. I need my own personal 24 hour team of shrinks to sort through all of this!

Things running through my head

1. This whole blogging thing - I post a blog, and I am happy things are current, and then before I know it, a week has gone by with no post. Somehow I don't think I would be able to do NaBloPoMo's month long every day posting thing.

2. Job Search. This totally sucks. The area I am in has the worst economy I have ever experienced. The pay here is literally half what I had been making in Indianapolis, but yet the cost of living is about the same, except double the utility bills because of needing the A/C all the time.

A coworker at the night job gave me a heads up for a job at the comm college she works at. The pay is only $9.33 an hour though, and there is no freaking way I can honeslty live off of that unless I want to share the cats food. And also? The college will only pay for one class per semester. I thought that was totally cheap, since a lot of colleges offer free tuition to their employees and their children. I will probably apply for it, just to see how it goes, but unless they are willing to bump up the payscale, I don't think I can do it, free class or not. Plus, they pay once a month, and budgeting is a four letter word here in Marias World. I can come up with wonderful plans, all sorts of strict and stingy, but its the sticking to it I have a problem with.

I so hate job searching. It feels so desparate, like waiting to be picked for a team in gym class. That and ok, there may be some creative writing on my resume.

I know that when you go on an interview, you are supposed to be all about being a team player, and positive and energetic, but I am not feeling that way. I would love to be able to go into an interview and state that I enjoy working by myself, with limited coworker interaction, unless I like the said coworker(s), and find them intelligent. I would love to be able to say that really, I want the job with the company because there are good benefits, and I get liberal amounts of time to surf the net on company time. I would be thrilled if I could be honest and state that I understand that every company needs certain rules and regulations, but, really could we use a little more common sense when it comes down to it, and not need a separate chapter in the employee handbook for every possible situation?

I actually haven't gone so far as to call or email my resume anywhere. The plan was to get up early today and miraculously be organized. So now I have decided that will happen tomorrow. I need to take one of the cats to the vet tomorrow as well, so at least I will be forced to get up, get dressed, and get out of the house.

3. I am still sort of mired in depression, if you couldn't tell. I am still stuck living with S., although that relationship is dead and over with. Last Sunday, S. asked, completely out of the blue if sex was an option. I was proud of myself for telling him that was the most pig-ish thing he had ever said to me, and making it completely clear that sex was not and will not be an option. He then asked if I never just got horny. Which is so not the point. Apparently I am good enough to fuck but not good enough to be in a relationship and grow together with.

I am starved for human companionship though. And touching. It has been at least 3 weeks since I have gotten a hug from anyone and it is killing me. I truly think that touch is just as important as the other senses and I am totally deprived. Which is not only sad, but if and when I ever go on a date with another man, I don't want to be all clingy, but, I really need some quality touch time.

4. The last bad thing I am going to mention. I totally binged last week at work, and then puked. Luckily I work alone at nights, so no one was there. Backstory on this, is that certain professionals may have told me I am bulimic. I don't think so, since it isn't that often, and, honestly? I need to lose wiehgt, and it is effective. Side tangent - why do people think it doesn't? If you puke soon enough after a meal, you are not going to have all the extra calories, and I have lost weight (not that much) before, when it was a little more problematic. I think that maybe it isn't effective if you indulge in a truly monstrous binge. Mine wasn't that bad. Or maybe it doesn't work if you only purge after bingeing. If you do it after every meal it is very effective. Not that this blog is going to go all pro-ana.

So far my plans for being normal when I grow up are failing miserably.