I found a bracelet in the parking lot at work. It is pink, has a DISNEY logo, and says "Dreams really do come true".
And even though I am doing better using the Straterra, and better at keeping mylife in order, I am not even sure what my dreams are right now. I am sort of lost and not sure which direction I want or need to go forward with. Something to ponder.
Showing posts with label randomness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label randomness. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, November 10, 2008
letter of the law
So I have been posting every day so far this month. And most have been very short. Iam following the letter of the NaBloPoMo law, but not the spirit.
There are so many things I think I could blog about, or would like to. I am smart, funny and creative, but I am just not able to express it all as much as I would like to. Plus I am still stupidly working 70 hours or more per week. And I am closer to burning out then I would like to have to think about.
I need to quit the night job. But I am afraid. I don't have a support system here, my credit is not all that great, my car is ancient, and what happens if I lose my job, or the car breaks or something else comes up. And in typing this, I am moreinclined to write WHEN the car breaks, and WHEN I lose my job. And I can't live in fear, but I have also been homeless and jobless and depressed before and I can't do that to myself again, but working so much is not and can not be the answer. In fact, over stressing my self ismostlikely going to cause me to lose myjob or to self destruct. But fear is a powerful force to reckon with, and I don't know what to do.
There are so many things I think I could blog about, or would like to. I am smart, funny and creative, but I am just not able to express it all as much as I would like to. Plus I am still stupidly working 70 hours or more per week. And I am closer to burning out then I would like to have to think about.
I need to quit the night job. But I am afraid. I don't have a support system here, my credit is not all that great, my car is ancient, and what happens if I lose my job, or the car breaks or something else comes up. And in typing this, I am moreinclined to write WHEN the car breaks, and WHEN I lose my job. And I can't live in fear, but I have also been homeless and jobless and depressed before and I can't do that to myself again, but working so much is not and can not be the answer. In fact, over stressing my self ismostlikely going to cause me to lose myjob or to self destruct. But fear is a powerful force to reckon with, and I don't know what to do.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Things running through my head
1. This whole blogging thing - I post a blog, and I am happy things are current, and then before I know it, a week has gone by with no post. Somehow I don't think I would be able to do NaBloPoMo's month long every day posting thing.
2. Job Search. This totally sucks. The area I am in has the worst economy I have ever experienced. The pay here is literally half what I had been making in Indianapolis, but yet the cost of living is about the same, except double the utility bills because of needing the A/C all the time.
A coworker at the night job gave me a heads up for a job at the comm college she works at. The pay is only $9.33 an hour though, and there is no freaking way I can honeslty live off of that unless I want to share the cats food. And also? The college will only pay for one class per semester. I thought that was totally cheap, since a lot of colleges offer free tuition to their employees and their children. I will probably apply for it, just to see how it goes, but unless they are willing to bump up the payscale, I don't think I can do it, free class or not. Plus, they pay once a month, and budgeting is a four letter word here in Marias World. I can come up with wonderful plans, all sorts of strict and stingy, but its the sticking to it I have a problem with.
I so hate job searching. It feels so desparate, like waiting to be picked for a team in gym class. That and ok, there may be some creative writing on my resume.
I know that when you go on an interview, you are supposed to be all about being a team player, and positive and energetic, but I am not feeling that way. I would love to be able to go into an interview and state that I enjoy working by myself, with limited coworker interaction, unless I like the said coworker(s), and find them intelligent. I would love to be able to say that really, I want the job with the company because there are good benefits, and I get liberal amounts of time to surf the net on company time. I would be thrilled if I could be honest and state that I understand that every company needs certain rules and regulations, but, really could we use a little more common sense when it comes down to it, and not need a separate chapter in the employee handbook for every possible situation?
I actually haven't gone so far as to call or email my resume anywhere. The plan was to get up early today and miraculously be organized. So now I have decided that will happen tomorrow. I need to take one of the cats to the vet tomorrow as well, so at least I will be forced to get up, get dressed, and get out of the house.
3. I am still sort of mired in depression, if you couldn't tell. I am still stuck living with S., although that relationship is dead and over with. Last Sunday, S. asked, completely out of the blue if sex was an option. I was proud of myself for telling him that was the most pig-ish thing he had ever said to me, and making it completely clear that sex was not and will not be an option. He then asked if I never just got horny. Which is so not the point. Apparently I am good enough to fuck but not good enough to be in a relationship and grow together with.
I am starved for human companionship though. And touching. It has been at least 3 weeks since I have gotten a hug from anyone and it is killing me. I truly think that touch is just as important as the other senses and I am totally deprived. Which is not only sad, but if and when I ever go on a date with another man, I don't want to be all clingy, but, I really need some quality touch time.
4. The last bad thing I am going to mention. I totally binged last week at work, and then puked. Luckily I work alone at nights, so no one was there. Backstory on this, is that certain professionals may have told me I am bulimic. I don't think so, since it isn't that often, and, honestly? I need to lose wiehgt, and it is effective. Side tangent - why do people think it doesn't? If you puke soon enough after a meal, you are not going to have all the extra calories, and I have lost weight (not that much) before, when it was a little more problematic. I think that maybe it isn't effective if you indulge in a truly monstrous binge. Mine wasn't that bad. Or maybe it doesn't work if you only purge after bingeing. If you do it after every meal it is very effective. Not that this blog is going to go all pro-ana.
So far my plans for being normal when I grow up are failing miserably.
2. Job Search. This totally sucks. The area I am in has the worst economy I have ever experienced. The pay here is literally half what I had been making in Indianapolis, but yet the cost of living is about the same, except double the utility bills because of needing the A/C all the time.
A coworker at the night job gave me a heads up for a job at the comm college she works at. The pay is only $9.33 an hour though, and there is no freaking way I can honeslty live off of that unless I want to share the cats food. And also? The college will only pay for one class per semester. I thought that was totally cheap, since a lot of colleges offer free tuition to their employees and their children. I will probably apply for it, just to see how it goes, but unless they are willing to bump up the payscale, I don't think I can do it, free class or not. Plus, they pay once a month, and budgeting is a four letter word here in Marias World. I can come up with wonderful plans, all sorts of strict and stingy, but its the sticking to it I have a problem with.
I so hate job searching. It feels so desparate, like waiting to be picked for a team in gym class. That and ok, there may be some creative writing on my resume.
I know that when you go on an interview, you are supposed to be all about being a team player, and positive and energetic, but I am not feeling that way. I would love to be able to go into an interview and state that I enjoy working by myself, with limited coworker interaction, unless I like the said coworker(s), and find them intelligent. I would love to be able to say that really, I want the job with the company because there are good benefits, and I get liberal amounts of time to surf the net on company time. I would be thrilled if I could be honest and state that I understand that every company needs certain rules and regulations, but, really could we use a little more common sense when it comes down to it, and not need a separate chapter in the employee handbook for every possible situation?
I actually haven't gone so far as to call or email my resume anywhere. The plan was to get up early today and miraculously be organized. So now I have decided that will happen tomorrow. I need to take one of the cats to the vet tomorrow as well, so at least I will be forced to get up, get dressed, and get out of the house.
3. I am still sort of mired in depression, if you couldn't tell. I am still stuck living with S., although that relationship is dead and over with. Last Sunday, S. asked, completely out of the blue if sex was an option. I was proud of myself for telling him that was the most pig-ish thing he had ever said to me, and making it completely clear that sex was not and will not be an option. He then asked if I never just got horny. Which is so not the point. Apparently I am good enough to fuck but not good enough to be in a relationship and grow together with.
I am starved for human companionship though. And touching. It has been at least 3 weeks since I have gotten a hug from anyone and it is killing me. I truly think that touch is just as important as the other senses and I am totally deprived. Which is not only sad, but if and when I ever go on a date with another man, I don't want to be all clingy, but, I really need some quality touch time.
4. The last bad thing I am going to mention. I totally binged last week at work, and then puked. Luckily I work alone at nights, so no one was there. Backstory on this, is that certain professionals may have told me I am bulimic. I don't think so, since it isn't that often, and, honestly? I need to lose wiehgt, and it is effective. Side tangent - why do people think it doesn't? If you puke soon enough after a meal, you are not going to have all the extra calories, and I have lost weight (not that much) before, when it was a little more problematic. I think that maybe it isn't effective if you indulge in a truly monstrous binge. Mine wasn't that bad. Or maybe it doesn't work if you only purge after bingeing. If you do it after every meal it is very effective. Not that this blog is going to go all pro-ana.
So far my plans for being normal when I grow up are failing miserably.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
And so I'm back. Without a trace.
I may be a little depressed. I think it is all situational, so I am just keeping an eye on things and not actively seeking to do anything about it. I am not oversleeping, as I am prone to do when really depressed, and I am keeping tabs on other thoughts and behaviors, and I think I can ride this out.
I keep thinking of things I could blog about, but I don't. So now I will. Totally random thoughts.
1. Is there anyone out there who is actually still buying premium gas? Seriously, regular is $4, who can afford the $4.50 and up stuff?
2. Why do the biggest most horrible spiders come into MY house? The worlds largest spider, and no I am not exaggerating, was killed in my kitchen mere hours ago. I am still creeped out. It was like a rogue extra from "Arachnophobia" had taken up residence here. I do have a bug phobia - diagnosed by a licensed professional - but I am not kidding when I tell you the fucker was 3 inches long. That was just the body. Good news, the spider was sprayed with (bad news) insect killer, and slithered to the floor. Then it got squooshed with a shoe. Not one of mine. Good news. The the shoe was placed on a chair. Bad news.
See the thing about phobias is, they are, by definition, not rational. I think it is perfectly rational for both the shoe and the chair that touched the shoe that touched the spider to be thrown out or Freecycled. Owner of the said shoe disagrees, and may have mumbled something about "ridiculous" while leaving the scene of the spidercide.
This is not the first or last time this is going to happen. A long time ago, when I lived in PA, there was a megalegger on the wall. Thats a centipede for those of you not in the know. I was very brave and smashed it with a cardboard box. I remember swinging at it, eyes closed, and yelping. So then the bug was dead, but the corpse remained on the wall. I had to ask a friend to come over to remove it. Friend arrived, cleaned bug bits off the wall with proffered paper towels, and placed the towels and bug bits into a trash bag. Friend then washed hands, per my frantic instructions, and then reached for the paper towels, picking the roll up by the center. I told him that he would now need to take the paper towels with him or throw them out, because his hands, that touched the paper towels that touched the dead megalegger, had now touched my roll of towels, and they were now tainted. I can see how this might seem extreme. I really can. But bugs and all things bug related horrify me. Remember those old screen savers, the ones where different bugs would crawl across the screen? Yeah. I couldn't handle those.
3. Why do little children instinctively kick my chairs? And why do their parents do nothing?
Number three is slightly less bad than number 2, and I will explain. Last February, I flew to Florida for a nice relaxing vacation. 1st flight, from Indy to Tennessee, I get seated in front of a 3 year old monster named Shayla, and her stupefying ineffective mother, name unknown. Every other word out of SI Moms mouth was Shayla. As in "Shayla, sit." "Shayla, let's be good now." "Shayla, look out the windows." "Shayla, do you want some juice?" Shayla Shayla Shayla. We hadn't even taken off yet and I knew this wasn't going to be good. Minutes into the flight and precious Shayla is kicking my chair. SI Mom noticed, and started with a litany of Shaylas. Included were requests for her to be good for mommy, remember how we promised to behave now, if you behave you get a toy.
OK, so I don't have children, but I know this much. If you have a child and you ask them a question, you are giving them the opportunity to disagree. So don't be surprised when they do. So when you ask your precious darling Shayla wouldn't she like to take a nap now, and she says no, it seems ridiculous to try and force the kid to sleep against her stated will.
Anyway, I told my seatmate that if the kid behind me kicked my seat again, I was going to tell her the truth about Santa Claus. Luckily Shaylas father overheard me, and maybe I purposely said it louder than necessary, but dad stepped in and gave the child something to occupy her rotten self for the rest of the flight.
So today, I went to see Hancock. Not going to spoil it for anyone, but I would save your money for a netflix rental of it when it comes out. Halfway through the movie, there is kicking and thumping on my chair. I let it go the first 10 minutes or so, which is breaking all bounds of my patience. Then I said that the brat behind me better quit kicking my chair. Kicking stops for 5 minutes, then is resumed. This is in a brand new theater, with big aisles, and plenty of room. Plus, it is a child behind me, so it isn't just a long legged individual fighting to get comfortable.
So I turned around and faced the little dick in training. I gave it the death stare and said "would you please stop kicking my chair" in a semi threatening voice. The evil seed looked at me sullenly, and full of resentment. The kid was seated with other children, no responsible adult in sight, the dick in training was maybe 8 or 9. The kicking was only occasional after that, but there was snorting and giggling involved. And then I did a bad thing.
After the movie let out, everyone rushed into the hallway. Damian (I am guessing at the name) was alone, near the wall. I walked by, on my way to the ladies room, and I brushed into him (the person I was with said I hip checked him. Whatever). I looked at him, made eye contact and offered a breezy "Sorry!" and kept on walking. And I got another vicious stare in return. Yeah, he was a child, but a rotten one, so I don't feel bad. And also? Where were the parents? They were seated in another section of the theater (same movie) and they were all together after I got out of the restroom. My first guess would be that the kid is so miserable that his own parents didn't even want to acknowledge him in public.
I fully realize that I clearly do not have the patience to raise a child(ren) of my own anytime soon. When a 32 year old gets into a virtual pissing war with a 8 year old, that doesn't bode well for either one. And I suppose any responsible, good parent reading this may be offended. But you know what? If this little future dicks parents had been doing a better job, or hey, maybe not letting the child sit unattended, none of this would have happened. And next time, I am sitting in the very last row at the movies.
I am a total fan of Liam Kyle Sullivan. And if you haven't seen the newest Kelly video "Booty Call", I suggest you head on over to YouTube and check it out, betch.
I keep thinking of things I could blog about, but I don't. So now I will. Totally random thoughts.
1. Is there anyone out there who is actually still buying premium gas? Seriously, regular is $4, who can afford the $4.50 and up stuff?
2. Why do the biggest most horrible spiders come into MY house? The worlds largest spider, and no I am not exaggerating, was killed in my kitchen mere hours ago. I am still creeped out. It was like a rogue extra from "Arachnophobia" had taken up residence here. I do have a bug phobia - diagnosed by a licensed professional - but I am not kidding when I tell you the fucker was 3 inches long. That was just the body. Good news, the spider was sprayed with (bad news) insect killer, and slithered to the floor. Then it got squooshed with a shoe. Not one of mine. Good news. The the shoe was placed on a chair. Bad news.
See the thing about phobias is, they are, by definition, not rational. I think it is perfectly rational for both the shoe and the chair that touched the shoe that touched the spider to be thrown out or Freecycled. Owner of the said shoe disagrees, and may have mumbled something about "ridiculous" while leaving the scene of the spidercide.
This is not the first or last time this is going to happen. A long time ago, when I lived in PA, there was a megalegger on the wall. Thats a centipede for those of you not in the know. I was very brave and smashed it with a cardboard box. I remember swinging at it, eyes closed, and yelping. So then the bug was dead, but the corpse remained on the wall. I had to ask a friend to come over to remove it. Friend arrived, cleaned bug bits off the wall with proffered paper towels, and placed the towels and bug bits into a trash bag. Friend then washed hands, per my frantic instructions, and then reached for the paper towels, picking the roll up by the center. I told him that he would now need to take the paper towels with him or throw them out, because his hands, that touched the paper towels that touched the dead megalegger, had now touched my roll of towels, and they were now tainted. I can see how this might seem extreme. I really can. But bugs and all things bug related horrify me. Remember those old screen savers, the ones where different bugs would crawl across the screen? Yeah. I couldn't handle those.
3. Why do little children instinctively kick my chairs? And why do their parents do nothing?
Number three is slightly less bad than number 2, and I will explain. Last February, I flew to Florida for a nice relaxing vacation. 1st flight, from Indy to Tennessee, I get seated in front of a 3 year old monster named Shayla, and her stupefying ineffective mother, name unknown. Every other word out of SI Moms mouth was Shayla. As in "Shayla, sit." "Shayla, let's be good now." "Shayla, look out the windows." "Shayla, do you want some juice?" Shayla Shayla Shayla. We hadn't even taken off yet and I knew this wasn't going to be good. Minutes into the flight and precious Shayla is kicking my chair. SI Mom noticed, and started with a litany of Shaylas. Included were requests for her to be good for mommy, remember how we promised to behave now, if you behave you get a toy.
OK, so I don't have children, but I know this much. If you have a child and you ask them a question, you are giving them the opportunity to disagree. So don't be surprised when they do. So when you ask your precious darling Shayla wouldn't she like to take a nap now, and she says no, it seems ridiculous to try and force the kid to sleep against her stated will.
Anyway, I told my seatmate that if the kid behind me kicked my seat again, I was going to tell her the truth about Santa Claus. Luckily Shaylas father overheard me, and maybe I purposely said it louder than necessary, but dad stepped in and gave the child something to occupy her rotten self for the rest of the flight.
So today, I went to see Hancock. Not going to spoil it for anyone, but I would save your money for a netflix rental of it when it comes out. Halfway through the movie, there is kicking and thumping on my chair. I let it go the first 10 minutes or so, which is breaking all bounds of my patience. Then I said that the brat behind me better quit kicking my chair. Kicking stops for 5 minutes, then is resumed. This is in a brand new theater, with big aisles, and plenty of room. Plus, it is a child behind me, so it isn't just a long legged individual fighting to get comfortable.
So I turned around and faced the little dick in training. I gave it the death stare and said "would you please stop kicking my chair" in a semi threatening voice. The evil seed looked at me sullenly, and full of resentment. The kid was seated with other children, no responsible adult in sight, the dick in training was maybe 8 or 9. The kicking was only occasional after that, but there was snorting and giggling involved. And then I did a bad thing.
After the movie let out, everyone rushed into the hallway. Damian (I am guessing at the name) was alone, near the wall. I walked by, on my way to the ladies room, and I brushed into him (the person I was with said I hip checked him. Whatever). I looked at him, made eye contact and offered a breezy "Sorry!" and kept on walking. And I got another vicious stare in return. Yeah, he was a child, but a rotten one, so I don't feel bad. And also? Where were the parents? They were seated in another section of the theater (same movie) and they were all together after I got out of the restroom. My first guess would be that the kid is so miserable that his own parents didn't even want to acknowledge him in public.
I fully realize that I clearly do not have the patience to raise a child(ren) of my own anytime soon. When a 32 year old gets into a virtual pissing war with a 8 year old, that doesn't bode well for either one. And I suppose any responsible, good parent reading this may be offended. But you know what? If this little future dicks parents had been doing a better job, or hey, maybe not letting the child sit unattended, none of this would have happened. And next time, I am sitting in the very last row at the movies.
I am a total fan of Liam Kyle Sullivan. And if you haven't seen the newest Kelly video "Booty Call", I suggest you head on over to YouTube and check it out, betch.
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