Choices

So I started the new job. The one I don't think I want. And I started a new relationship and I am not sure where that is going.

New job - pay is not all that great, benefits are ok, although no dental until I have been there a year, which sucks. New job is dealing with a lot of paperwork, and reports - and I don't get why in 2008, a company is still making zillions of copies and paying to UPS them overnight. Wouldn't a scanner and a good back up system work a little better?

I have also worked completely by myslef for the last 7 months, so this is a big adjustment. I am going to give the job a try for 2 weeks, and then make a decision. I am still applying and emailing for other open jobs.

New relationship - well, the online predator is turning out to be a very nice guy. Obviously I know he isn't perfect, but right now I am really enjoying my time with him. And yeah, we had the infamous 3rd date, which I am not very proud of, but it was great, and I am feeling much less depressed having human contact and company.

Unfortunately, S. is now trying to be nice to me and I am really confused by this. I suspect some of the attitude change is due to a new man being in my life. There is a pull to go back to the familiar, just because new things scare the bejeebers outta me. But I feel that there is just too much damage done between the two of us to make any relationship work there. But being civil to each other would be a good step.

I worked the night job on Friday and Saturday nights - Friday pretty much sucked because I was tired, and worse, bored. I didn't bring the book I need to read for the 2nd book club, so I didn't have much to do during the quiet hours. And my brain is a scary little monster when left to its own devices. I think if I remember to bring a book or movie then I can continue to work weekends and the day job. At least until the new year. Since I have a pitiful bank balance, I need to save up a little cushion and also replace the MariaMobile soon.

I have no idea what I am doing. With the jobs, with the online predator, with life in general. I sometimes feel like such a failure and the depression, which is never far away comes prowling around my head again. I have been very lucky in some ways, and I know I can survive worse things than what I am dealing with now, but I am over surviving. I need to thrive. And I just need some sort of cosmic sign that everythig is going to be ok.