I am in love.
With a drug.
After over a dozen years, a dozen meds, and thousands of dollars, I have found one that works.
And I LOVE IT.
Turns out that even though I was situationally depressed several times, depression is not the root of all of my mental evil.
So until I reach a tolerance, or a better drug comes along, Strattera, will you be mine?
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Monday, February 22, 2010
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Am I depressed?
I napped today for 5 hours, and it is bothering me. Did I sleep because I just needed to relax for a while? Or did I sleep so long because I am really getting depressed again? Am I worrying over nothing or is there need for concern?
Monday, September 1, 2008
Static
Some days, I think that there are too many changes going on in my life. And others, not enough changes.
I think I am where I am because I need to be here, but I am not sure what exactly I am supposed to be learning in order to move on. I can see some patterns in my life that I want to change, and will work on being so passive about. But overall, I am just overwhelmed.
I have lots of job skills, but I haven't had jobs that lasted more than 2 years for various reasons - moving, quitting, boss dying. The jobs here and even in a 60 mile radius just don't seem to be what I am looking for.
I need to find a new place to live, after I find a job and I hate this. Not that I like where I am mind you, but change is too much for me sometimes. I have been here just over a year, and I still don't know anyone. Yeah, I meet with the bookclub, but it is disbanding, and I haven't really connected with anyone there. Co-Workers are not really an option either. I hate that I don't know how to get around TX very well, and I don't know the good areas from the bad in terms of finding a place to live. I am truly terrified of living without a support system. I have done it before and it isn't fun. If I get offered the job I interviewed for, I don't even know who to list for my emergency contact form.
I think I was doing ok without meds, but the more the situational depression is increasing, I think the more I am sinking. And I hate it. I am tired of crying.
I think I am where I am because I need to be here, but I am not sure what exactly I am supposed to be learning in order to move on. I can see some patterns in my life that I want to change, and will work on being so passive about. But overall, I am just overwhelmed.
I have lots of job skills, but I haven't had jobs that lasted more than 2 years for various reasons - moving, quitting, boss dying. The jobs here and even in a 60 mile radius just don't seem to be what I am looking for.
I need to find a new place to live, after I find a job and I hate this. Not that I like where I am mind you, but change is too much for me sometimes. I have been here just over a year, and I still don't know anyone. Yeah, I meet with the bookclub, but it is disbanding, and I haven't really connected with anyone there. Co-Workers are not really an option either. I hate that I don't know how to get around TX very well, and I don't know the good areas from the bad in terms of finding a place to live. I am truly terrified of living without a support system. I have done it before and it isn't fun. If I get offered the job I interviewed for, I don't even know who to list for my emergency contact form.
I think I was doing ok without meds, but the more the situational depression is increasing, I think the more I am sinking. And I hate it. I am tired of crying.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Meaner than a snake
Today I just feel mean.
Perhaps it is that I did not get enough sleep the last couple of days.
A smidge of the grumpiness may be blamed on PMS.
Some of it is due to the fact that half of the jobs in the paper turn out to be scammy - wanting me to sign up with their service, or pay a fee for the info.
But I have a nasty suspicion that this is depression irritability, and I don't want to go into all of that right now.
I am going to go to bed soon, forfeiting the new book club meeting, and gearing up to go to the bank tomorrow to see why I am still being charged fees for last weeks fuck up with my compromised debit card.
I really don't want to miss the book club start up meeting. On the one hand, getting out and meeting people is somethign that would probably be very good for me. On the other, I could end up alienating everyone and being bitter. And I have my old age reserved for that.
The way I see it, in another 10 years or so, I will be referred to as "Mean Ole Lady J____". Neighbor children will be afraid to retrieve frisbees or balls thrown in my yard. When a toy is launched over my inevitably high fence, the other children will pull back the toys owner and admonish him that they have a cousin, who knew this kid whose brother went in my yard once, and was never seen again, and ominously tell him that I didn't buy cat food for like 6 weeks after that kid disappeared...
I am not sure if I really need meds right now, so much as I need therapy, and possibly a life coach or six, but meds may come into play too. I hate starting over with new docs to begin with, especially given my long and varied prescription med history. I have been looking around for drug info though, and the one that I think may help is Adderall, which ok, is technically a little bit of an amphetamine.
I don't want to appear to be drug seeking, but the SSRI's didn't work, Cymbalta didn't help, Effexor was a horrific nightmare, and I just don't seem to get any better. I need to find a doc with a lot of experience with psychotropic medication (professional, that is, not personal or recreational, thanks). I wish you could interview docs for the position. If you make an appt, and don't like the doc, or don't think that it is going to be a good fit, you still have to pay, and since I don't have insurance, that is prohibitively expensive.
Long story short, I am grumpy and tired, and going to be for at least 12 hours in the hope that tomorrow will be better, and I will return to my normal sunshiny disposition.
Perhaps it is that I did not get enough sleep the last couple of days.
A smidge of the grumpiness may be blamed on PMS.
Some of it is due to the fact that half of the jobs in the paper turn out to be scammy - wanting me to sign up with their service, or pay a fee for the info.
But I have a nasty suspicion that this is depression irritability, and I don't want to go into all of that right now.
I am going to go to bed soon, forfeiting the new book club meeting, and gearing up to go to the bank tomorrow to see why I am still being charged fees for last weeks fuck up with my compromised debit card.
I really don't want to miss the book club start up meeting. On the one hand, getting out and meeting people is somethign that would probably be very good for me. On the other, I could end up alienating everyone and being bitter. And I have my old age reserved for that.
The way I see it, in another 10 years or so, I will be referred to as "Mean Ole Lady J____". Neighbor children will be afraid to retrieve frisbees or balls thrown in my yard. When a toy is launched over my inevitably high fence, the other children will pull back the toys owner and admonish him that they have a cousin, who knew this kid whose brother went in my yard once, and was never seen again, and ominously tell him that I didn't buy cat food for like 6 weeks after that kid disappeared...
I am not sure if I really need meds right now, so much as I need therapy, and possibly a life coach or six, but meds may come into play too. I hate starting over with new docs to begin with, especially given my long and varied prescription med history. I have been looking around for drug info though, and the one that I think may help is Adderall, which ok, is technically a little bit of an amphetamine.
I don't want to appear to be drug seeking, but the SSRI's didn't work, Cymbalta didn't help, Effexor was a horrific nightmare, and I just don't seem to get any better. I need to find a doc with a lot of experience with psychotropic medication (professional, that is, not personal or recreational, thanks). I wish you could interview docs for the position. If you make an appt, and don't like the doc, or don't think that it is going to be a good fit, you still have to pay, and since I don't have insurance, that is prohibitively expensive.
Long story short, I am grumpy and tired, and going to be for at least 12 hours in the hope that tomorrow will be better, and I will return to my normal sunshiny disposition.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Today is a bad day
Today just isn't good. And if I even hear a single verse of that song that says "cause you had a bad day..." I will puke.
I got up early, with good intentions, and I am just not getting anything done. I went out, planning on seeing a movie, that was listed on the theaters website, and when I got there, it is no longer playing. So I went back home, feeling grumpy all over, low on cash, and slightly desparate. Not desparate enough to go trolling for a 'date' on Craigslist, but still...
I am beginning to think that this is not just situational depression, it may be worse. I told my previous doctor and therapist both that depression is like a road runner cartoon, and I am the coyote. I keep running around and then by the time I realize how bad things are, I am way between the cliffs, with a loooong drop below. I hate this, and I resent it and I am angry all over that I can't seem to get better, meds or not. And no, inpatient therapy is not an option. I tried that for a week once upon a time and all I got out of it was a large bill and the loss of my job.
There is more to the story about my family, for a much later date, but depression apparently was encoded in the family DNA about 16 generations ago or more. But we don't talk about It. I know from a cousin, that my grandmother tried to kill her pregnant self by stepping in front of a subway train, but some good samaritan saved her, thus allowing the spawning of my mother, the original Bad Seed. In my family, we don't wait for post partum depression. No, this is an area we excel in, so why wait? And better yet, why not just keep breeding more people with depression and not discuss it or treat it?
A little more on the fam - apparently my mother had hip surgery some time last week. She will be 70 this year, and has also had a heart attack and other health issues. I have not been in contact with her in 12 years. Thats not just me, mind you, she doesn't call or write to me either. I have not spoken to my father in 8 years. They are still married, but I could call my father at his work number and avoid her if needed. Anyway, I am hoping that the hip replacement went well. Not so much because I care about her health, safety, and or comfort, but if something serious happens (death, coma, stroke, etc.) I may be summoned, and I? Am just.not.ready. to deal with the family right now. Out of the three brothers and a sister that I have, I only keep in touch with my middle brother, and dealing with the rest of them en masse is more than I can deal with not only now, but possibly forever. And given mommie dearests health (and dads too - diabetes, prostate cancer), and their age - both will be 70 this year, it seems unlikely that we can continue down the miserable path of dysfunction very much longer.
So today is a bad day and I am angry about the following things, in no particular order:
1. That I am depressed.
2. Again.
3. That I spent the first 20 years of my life feeling like crap and not knowing why.
4. That even when I realized there was a name for this, knowledge didn't fix anything.
5. That I have spent the equivalent of a hefty down payment on a home over the past 12 years trying to medicate and therapize (is that a word?) myself to normal levels. Seriously, at times I spent $500 a month on antidepressant meds.
6. That there is so much more I am feeling and I can't deal with it enough to even keep typing. What I really want to do is go take a fucking nap, but if I go lay down, I won't sleep unless I take the sleeeping meds, and if I do that, I will probably sleep for 14 hours and then feel bad about it.
7. That I have lived here for over a whole year and haven't made a single friend here. I am horribly lonely, and that isn't helping things.
8. I think the MariaMobile needs some sort of brake work, and I can't afford it, but then again, you can't afford not to have brakes either. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
I got up early, with good intentions, and I am just not getting anything done. I went out, planning on seeing a movie, that was listed on the theaters website, and when I got there, it is no longer playing. So I went back home, feeling grumpy all over, low on cash, and slightly desparate. Not desparate enough to go trolling for a 'date' on Craigslist, but still...
I am beginning to think that this is not just situational depression, it may be worse. I told my previous doctor and therapist both that depression is like a road runner cartoon, and I am the coyote. I keep running around and then by the time I realize how bad things are, I am way between the cliffs, with a loooong drop below. I hate this, and I resent it and I am angry all over that I can't seem to get better, meds or not. And no, inpatient therapy is not an option. I tried that for a week once upon a time and all I got out of it was a large bill and the loss of my job.
There is more to the story about my family, for a much later date, but depression apparently was encoded in the family DNA about 16 generations ago or more. But we don't talk about It. I know from a cousin, that my grandmother tried to kill her pregnant self by stepping in front of a subway train, but some good samaritan saved her, thus allowing the spawning of my mother, the original Bad Seed. In my family, we don't wait for post partum depression. No, this is an area we excel in, so why wait? And better yet, why not just keep breeding more people with depression and not discuss it or treat it?
A little more on the fam - apparently my mother had hip surgery some time last week. She will be 70 this year, and has also had a heart attack and other health issues. I have not been in contact with her in 12 years. Thats not just me, mind you, she doesn't call or write to me either. I have not spoken to my father in 8 years. They are still married, but I could call my father at his work number and avoid her if needed. Anyway, I am hoping that the hip replacement went well. Not so much because I care about her health, safety, and or comfort, but if something serious happens (death, coma, stroke, etc.) I may be summoned, and I? Am just.not.ready. to deal with the family right now. Out of the three brothers and a sister that I have, I only keep in touch with my middle brother, and dealing with the rest of them en masse is more than I can deal with not only now, but possibly forever. And given mommie dearests health (and dads too - diabetes, prostate cancer), and their age - both will be 70 this year, it seems unlikely that we can continue down the miserable path of dysfunction very much longer.
So today is a bad day and I am angry about the following things, in no particular order:
1. That I am depressed.
2. Again.
3. That I spent the first 20 years of my life feeling like crap and not knowing why.
4. That even when I realized there was a name for this, knowledge didn't fix anything.
5. That I have spent the equivalent of a hefty down payment on a home over the past 12 years trying to medicate and therapize (is that a word?) myself to normal levels. Seriously, at times I spent $500 a month on antidepressant meds.
6. That there is so much more I am feeling and I can't deal with it enough to even keep typing. What I really want to do is go take a fucking nap, but if I go lay down, I won't sleep unless I take the sleeeping meds, and if I do that, I will probably sleep for 14 hours and then feel bad about it.
7. That I have lived here for over a whole year and haven't made a single friend here. I am horribly lonely, and that isn't helping things.
8. I think the MariaMobile needs some sort of brake work, and I can't afford it, but then again, you can't afford not to have brakes either. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
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