Things running through my head

1. This whole blogging thing - I post a blog, and I am happy things are current, and then before I know it, a week has gone by with no post. Somehow I don't think I would be able to do NaBloPoMo's month long every day posting thing.

2. Job Search. This totally sucks. The area I am in has the worst economy I have ever experienced. The pay here is literally half what I had been making in Indianapolis, but yet the cost of living is about the same, except double the utility bills because of needing the A/C all the time.

A coworker at the night job gave me a heads up for a job at the comm college she works at. The pay is only $9.33 an hour though, and there is no freaking way I can honeslty live off of that unless I want to share the cats food. And also? The college will only pay for one class per semester. I thought that was totally cheap, since a lot of colleges offer free tuition to their employees and their children. I will probably apply for it, just to see how it goes, but unless they are willing to bump up the payscale, I don't think I can do it, free class or not. Plus, they pay once a month, and budgeting is a four letter word here in Marias World. I can come up with wonderful plans, all sorts of strict and stingy, but its the sticking to it I have a problem with.

I so hate job searching. It feels so desparate, like waiting to be picked for a team in gym class. That and ok, there may be some creative writing on my resume.

I know that when you go on an interview, you are supposed to be all about being a team player, and positive and energetic, but I am not feeling that way. I would love to be able to go into an interview and state that I enjoy working by myself, with limited coworker interaction, unless I like the said coworker(s), and find them intelligent. I would love to be able to say that really, I want the job with the company because there are good benefits, and I get liberal amounts of time to surf the net on company time. I would be thrilled if I could be honest and state that I understand that every company needs certain rules and regulations, but, really could we use a little more common sense when it comes down to it, and not need a separate chapter in the employee handbook for every possible situation?

I actually haven't gone so far as to call or email my resume anywhere. The plan was to get up early today and miraculously be organized. So now I have decided that will happen tomorrow. I need to take one of the cats to the vet tomorrow as well, so at least I will be forced to get up, get dressed, and get out of the house.

3. I am still sort of mired in depression, if you couldn't tell. I am still stuck living with S., although that relationship is dead and over with. Last Sunday, S. asked, completely out of the blue if sex was an option. I was proud of myself for telling him that was the most pig-ish thing he had ever said to me, and making it completely clear that sex was not and will not be an option. He then asked if I never just got horny. Which is so not the point. Apparently I am good enough to fuck but not good enough to be in a relationship and grow together with.

I am starved for human companionship though. And touching. It has been at least 3 weeks since I have gotten a hug from anyone and it is killing me. I truly think that touch is just as important as the other senses and I am totally deprived. Which is not only sad, but if and when I ever go on a date with another man, I don't want to be all clingy, but, I really need some quality touch time.

4. The last bad thing I am going to mention. I totally binged last week at work, and then puked. Luckily I work alone at nights, so no one was there. Backstory on this, is that certain professionals may have told me I am bulimic. I don't think so, since it isn't that often, and, honestly? I need to lose wiehgt, and it is effective. Side tangent - why do people think it doesn't? If you puke soon enough after a meal, you are not going to have all the extra calories, and I have lost weight (not that much) before, when it was a little more problematic. I think that maybe it isn't effective if you indulge in a truly monstrous binge. Mine wasn't that bad. Or maybe it doesn't work if you only purge after bingeing. If you do it after every meal it is very effective. Not that this blog is going to go all pro-ana.

So far my plans for being normal when I grow up are failing miserably.