So in 1983, I was in a pretty serious car mishap. I got hit, run over, and dragged by a Buick.
A Buick driven by a young, sweet girl named Ginger. I remember Ginger visiting me in the hospital. She brought me a CareBear. I loved Ginger. She was kind and her family were a lot of things my own family was not. I eventually went over to her house on weekends for sleepovers. When she got married, I was the flower girl.
Ginger and I kept in touch for several years, but after I moved to Pennsylvania we lost contact. She is on Facebook. I would like to send her a message, letting her know that I still thought about her and hope she is happy. But I worry that that would seem stalky. I haven't actually talked with her since 1993 or so. And although she was always very kind to me and sort of adopted me as her little sister, I don't know that she would want me to just pop up in her life right now.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
PINK
Tomorrow, I go to the salon to have pink highlights done. Because I want them. All of my life, I have put off doing things I wanted or would have enjoyed. I always limited myself by saying "someday". Someday, when I lose weight. Someday, when I have a better job. Someday...
Well you know what? Someday is now. I want some pink hair, and I am going to get it. There are a lot of things I want to have - both physical things, and also things I want for my life. And I am going after them. You don't get what you don't ask for. And you don't always get what you ask for. Sometimes you just gave to go for it.
So yeah, the pink hair is not a revolution. But it is a big start for me.
As for work, the employee handbook says that dress is to be professional, that it is up to each center manager to set the dress code. Well, there isn't a formal policy that I know of. Boss dyes her hair various shades of unflattering blonde - hair dye is hair dye as far as I am concerned. Also, boss has 3 visible tattos, so, whatever... The hair. It will be pink!
Well you know what? Someday is now. I want some pink hair, and I am going to get it. There are a lot of things I want to have - both physical things, and also things I want for my life. And I am going after them. You don't get what you don't ask for. And you don't always get what you ask for. Sometimes you just gave to go for it.
So yeah, the pink hair is not a revolution. But it is a big start for me.
As for work, the employee handbook says that dress is to be professional, that it is up to each center manager to set the dress code. Well, there isn't a formal policy that I know of. Boss dyes her hair various shades of unflattering blonde - hair dye is hair dye as far as I am concerned. Also, boss has 3 visible tattos, so, whatever... The hair. It will be pink!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Motherhood?
So S. and I have been considering the idea of having a child.
This would be an unimaginable change in life for me.
I am selfish. I resent people and things who wake me up. And I am 34. Not to mention the supraventricular tachycardia issues and prescription sleeping pills.
I am not sure I will be able to go through with this.
Also, I knew me when I was a child. I suspect my genes will be dominant. Can the world handle a mini me?
Example: I was about 6 years old. Old enough to know better, but that whole "good judgement" thing has never been my strong suit. My brother Jeremy and I were home alone one evening. If I was 6, Jeremy was 9. That means he was older and should have also known better, and possibly had better judgement. Back to the genetic thing though...my familys crazy was built to last y'all.
Anyway, we were home alone and apparently bored. And evil. The evil probably hasn't changed much. We lived with a wonderful dog named Brownie. She was well behaved, patient, and never caused problems. But she was afraid of the vacuum. Jeremy and I ran through the house with the vacuum. Around and around, with the terrified dog desparately trying to hide. One of us came up with the brilliant idea to flick the lights on and off. Great fun, until the fuse blew.
Mom and Dad came home to find two subdued children, no lights, and a trembling dog. Like any child confronted with the question of "What the hell did you do?", we developed amnesia and said "nothing".
Dad replaced the fuse and we were let off the hook. I think, on his behalf, that doing any detective work would probably just open a very large can of worms. I think it was a choice that Dad made to not investigate what truly happened.
Dad never really seemed intersted in being an active and involved parent. My father was the curator of a very large childrens museum, but avoided his own small children frequently. Most of the staff at the museum at my fathers level worked Monday through Friday. My father chose to work Tuesday through Saturday. That meant he only had to deal with his family on Sundays. On Mondays all the kids went back to school and Mom to work. I understand the ned to have time for yourself, but I also think that it shouldn't come at the cost of your family.
My mother was abusive and neglectful. It is hard to write that. It was hard to believe that. It took many years and many therapists to help me se that I am not a bad person, and I was not a bad child. I had bad parents. And don't tell me that "they did the best that they could", because that is not the case. Both of them are college educated, and neither were beaten in their childhood homes. Both of them worked as teachers in public schools and had training and experience in dealing with children.
I feel feral in a way. I know that things were different with Jeremy and with me. We are the youngest children in a family of five children. I think that maybe my parents tried more and harder with the first two. Less with the middle child. And not at all with me. I was left on my own, at home, for hours when I was five. I was allowed to, and encouraged to make my own breakfast. Including scrambling my own eggs over the gas stove in a heavy iron pan. I was responsible for pretty much all of my own care - bathing, dressing, grooming, entertainment. I was allowed to ram the neighborhood at will and at random for hours.
I realize that 150 years ago, it would have been common for small children to handle tasks that are now handled by adults. I do think that children need to learn things as they are able, and under a supervised atmosphere. Children should not be left to their own devices and not shown how to interact appropriately with the world.
I worry that I will have that sort of passive/ "I don't want to know" attitude with a child of my own. I worry that I will have a child that does those sort of things. I worry that I will be a bad parent, and that my child will choose not to speak to me for over 10 years, as I have.
Part of me really truly wants a daughter of my own, to raise and care for. To do a better job with than what I had. To teach and to love and to experience the world with. But I hold back because I am afraid I will not do a better job. That I will, in fact, do an even worse job and create another unhappy person.
I talked to my Nurse Practitioner about this. She is very smart and I respect her opinions on most things medical. She said that she came from a jacked up family, but that when it is your own family you can change the patterns. I hope she is right. If I do decide to have a child, I am going to fight as hard as I can to have the most happy and well adjusted child I can possibly create, because failure is not an option.
This would be an unimaginable change in life for me.
I am selfish. I resent people and things who wake me up. And I am 34. Not to mention the supraventricular tachycardia issues and prescription sleeping pills.
I am not sure I will be able to go through with this.
Also, I knew me when I was a child. I suspect my genes will be dominant. Can the world handle a mini me?
Example: I was about 6 years old. Old enough to know better, but that whole "good judgement" thing has never been my strong suit. My brother Jeremy and I were home alone one evening. If I was 6, Jeremy was 9. That means he was older and should have also known better, and possibly had better judgement. Back to the genetic thing though...my familys crazy was built to last y'all.
Anyway, we were home alone and apparently bored. And evil. The evil probably hasn't changed much. We lived with a wonderful dog named Brownie. She was well behaved, patient, and never caused problems. But she was afraid of the vacuum. Jeremy and I ran through the house with the vacuum. Around and around, with the terrified dog desparately trying to hide. One of us came up with the brilliant idea to flick the lights on and off. Great fun, until the fuse blew.
Mom and Dad came home to find two subdued children, no lights, and a trembling dog. Like any child confronted with the question of "What the hell did you do?", we developed amnesia and said "nothing".
Dad replaced the fuse and we were let off the hook. I think, on his behalf, that doing any detective work would probably just open a very large can of worms. I think it was a choice that Dad made to not investigate what truly happened.
Dad never really seemed intersted in being an active and involved parent. My father was the curator of a very large childrens museum, but avoided his own small children frequently. Most of the staff at the museum at my fathers level worked Monday through Friday. My father chose to work Tuesday through Saturday. That meant he only had to deal with his family on Sundays. On Mondays all the kids went back to school and Mom to work. I understand the ned to have time for yourself, but I also think that it shouldn't come at the cost of your family.
My mother was abusive and neglectful. It is hard to write that. It was hard to believe that. It took many years and many therapists to help me se that I am not a bad person, and I was not a bad child. I had bad parents. And don't tell me that "they did the best that they could", because that is not the case. Both of them are college educated, and neither were beaten in their childhood homes. Both of them worked as teachers in public schools and had training and experience in dealing with children.
I feel feral in a way. I know that things were different with Jeremy and with me. We are the youngest children in a family of five children. I think that maybe my parents tried more and harder with the first two. Less with the middle child. And not at all with me. I was left on my own, at home, for hours when I was five. I was allowed to, and encouraged to make my own breakfast. Including scrambling my own eggs over the gas stove in a heavy iron pan. I was responsible for pretty much all of my own care - bathing, dressing, grooming, entertainment. I was allowed to ram the neighborhood at will and at random for hours.
I realize that 150 years ago, it would have been common for small children to handle tasks that are now handled by adults. I do think that children need to learn things as they are able, and under a supervised atmosphere. Children should not be left to their own devices and not shown how to interact appropriately with the world.
I worry that I will have that sort of passive/ "I don't want to know" attitude with a child of my own. I worry that I will have a child that does those sort of things. I worry that I will be a bad parent, and that my child will choose not to speak to me for over 10 years, as I have.
Part of me really truly wants a daughter of my own, to raise and care for. To do a better job with than what I had. To teach and to love and to experience the world with. But I hold back because I am afraid I will not do a better job. That I will, in fact, do an even worse job and create another unhappy person.
I talked to my Nurse Practitioner about this. She is very smart and I respect her opinions on most things medical. She said that she came from a jacked up family, but that when it is your own family you can change the patterns. I hope she is right. If I do decide to have a child, I am going to fight as hard as I can to have the most happy and well adjusted child I can possibly create, because failure is not an option.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Dreams
I found a bracelet in the parking lot at work. It is pink, has a DISNEY logo, and says "Dreams really do come true".
And even though I am doing better using the Straterra, and better at keeping mylife in order, I am not even sure what my dreams are right now. I am sort of lost and not sure which direction I want or need to go forward with. Something to ponder.
And even though I am doing better using the Straterra, and better at keeping mylife in order, I am not even sure what my dreams are right now. I am sort of lost and not sure which direction I want or need to go forward with. Something to ponder.
Monday, February 22, 2010
True Love, belated Valentines
I am in love.
With a drug.
After over a dozen years, a dozen meds, and thousands of dollars, I have found one that works.
And I LOVE IT.
Turns out that even though I was situationally depressed several times, depression is not the root of all of my mental evil.
So until I reach a tolerance, or a better drug comes along, Strattera, will you be mine?
With a drug.
After over a dozen years, a dozen meds, and thousands of dollars, I have found one that works.
And I LOVE IT.
Turns out that even though I was situationally depressed several times, depression is not the root of all of my mental evil.
So until I reach a tolerance, or a better drug comes along, Strattera, will you be mine?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The Movies, My Way
So S and I went to see "The Wolfman" on Friday. So romantic, I know. But, I do love Anthony Hopkins. The theatre was packed.
We had ventured out to see Sherlock Holmes on its opening day, and ended up sitting in the front row, which sucks. Viewing the movie from 5 feet away leaves one with an aching neck and the whole movie is distorted. So this time, we planned ahead.
We arrived plenty early and got a good place in line. Armed with popcorn and drinks, I hustled town the corridor towards the movie, with S chugging along 5 feet behind. I was not going to sit in the front row again, damnit, so I urged him to hurry it up. Nicely, of course.
We found decent seats midway up the theatre. I sat down one seat away from the next person, S. on my right, and an empty seat next to him, then the aisle. We were waaaay early and watched people streaming in to the theatre looking for seats. I do not like sitting near total strangers and wanted to make sure I didn't have to. A little water dribbled out from my water bottle ensured that did not happen. Anyone who asked if S & I could scoot down a seat would be met with a sad face and the explanation that sorry, the seat was wet! Since it was the last showing for the night, I didn't feel bad, since it would dry before the next day.
The movie wasn't all that great, sort of a bad role for someone of Sir Anthony Hopkins stature; but the important thing was that I wasn't in the front rown and had plenty of arm space, so I will call it a win.
Several years ago, in Indianapolis, I went to see Stepford Wives at the dollar theatre. I went with a former friend Kelly and her friend Tim. Before the movie, we went to O'Charleys, where I stole a cloth covered napkin and silverware. After dinner, we bought pints of Haagen-Daz and smuggled them into the theatre. Somehow, eating great ice cream with a cloth napkin and a non plastic spoon classed up the dollar theatre.
I am one of those people that will but candy or munchies somewhere else, not at the movies. Seriously, $3 for a bag of Skittles? Not happening. So far I have been smuggling food in undercover for at least 10 years. I willusually succumb to the chemical goodness of popcorn and buy some at the concession stand, but that is about my limit.
I laugh now because I sem cheap, and maybe I am. But that is a trait of my fathers. All of the years worrying that I would turn out like mom, and here comes the frugality of my father, who will squeeze a nickel until it screams. Although for what its worth, I bet dad waits for DVD rentals, and outcheaps me still. I'm ok with that.
We had ventured out to see Sherlock Holmes on its opening day, and ended up sitting in the front row, which sucks. Viewing the movie from 5 feet away leaves one with an aching neck and the whole movie is distorted. So this time, we planned ahead.
We arrived plenty early and got a good place in line. Armed with popcorn and drinks, I hustled town the corridor towards the movie, with S chugging along 5 feet behind. I was not going to sit in the front row again, damnit, so I urged him to hurry it up. Nicely, of course.
We found decent seats midway up the theatre. I sat down one seat away from the next person, S. on my right, and an empty seat next to him, then the aisle. We were waaaay early and watched people streaming in to the theatre looking for seats. I do not like sitting near total strangers and wanted to make sure I didn't have to. A little water dribbled out from my water bottle ensured that did not happen. Anyone who asked if S & I could scoot down a seat would be met with a sad face and the explanation that sorry, the seat was wet! Since it was the last showing for the night, I didn't feel bad, since it would dry before the next day.
The movie wasn't all that great, sort of a bad role for someone of Sir Anthony Hopkins stature; but the important thing was that I wasn't in the front rown and had plenty of arm space, so I will call it a win.
Several years ago, in Indianapolis, I went to see Stepford Wives at the dollar theatre. I went with a former friend Kelly and her friend Tim. Before the movie, we went to O'Charleys, where I stole a cloth covered napkin and silverware. After dinner, we bought pints of Haagen-Daz and smuggled them into the theatre. Somehow, eating great ice cream with a cloth napkin and a non plastic spoon classed up the dollar theatre.
I am one of those people that will but candy or munchies somewhere else, not at the movies. Seriously, $3 for a bag of Skittles? Not happening. So far I have been smuggling food in undercover for at least 10 years. I willusually succumb to the chemical goodness of popcorn and buy some at the concession stand, but that is about my limit.
I laugh now because I sem cheap, and maybe I am. But that is a trait of my fathers. All of the years worrying that I would turn out like mom, and here comes the frugality of my father, who will squeeze a nickel until it screams. Although for what its worth, I bet dad waits for DVD rentals, and outcheaps me still. I'm ok with that.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Suckitude part two
I called. And I ended up leaving the message. Is GEM as passive aggressive and strange as I am. Yes. And that is why I love him. But I am still hurt.
Suckitude
My feelings are hurt. I haven ot talked to GEM since Christmas. GEM is my best friend. We have never, in 10 years, had a fight. I am not sure if that is what we are having now, but whatever it is, it sucks.
My fault right now is that I only sent the Christmas presents last Friday. UPS should have delivered them today, but no word yet. Considering that there was a really pretty diamond ring in the package (GEM loves shinies almost as much as me), I am a little miffed.
My awesome and oh-so-grown-up plan was to wait for him to call me to say he received his (overdue) presents. Then let the answering machine pick up, so I can see what else he says. Brilliant, except he hasn't called.
I fel like I have been replaced. There is a friend (strictly a friend) in GEM's life that I think is spending waaaaay too much with GEM. No, this is not mere jealousy speaking. The new friend has issues. GEM, the guards at the prison GEM works at,and myself have all noticed disturbing behavior from this person. Seriously psychopathic - torturing animals, etc. I don't think it is smart for GEM to spend much time with new guy, but I have already voiced my opinions on that. GEM loves true crime almost as much as shinies, so there is a huge appeal in being close to someone who may truly have the capacity for serial killer like problems. I am not being overly dramatic here.
I suppose I could be the adult here and just call GEM, but I am hesitating and I am not sure why. Rejection? Maybe. Probably.
My fault right now is that I only sent the Christmas presents last Friday. UPS should have delivered them today, but no word yet. Considering that there was a really pretty diamond ring in the package (GEM loves shinies almost as much as me), I am a little miffed.
My awesome and oh-so-grown-up plan was to wait for him to call me to say he received his (overdue) presents. Then let the answering machine pick up, so I can see what else he says. Brilliant, except he hasn't called.
I fel like I have been replaced. There is a friend (strictly a friend) in GEM's life that I think is spending waaaaay too much with GEM. No, this is not mere jealousy speaking. The new friend has issues. GEM, the guards at the prison GEM works at,and myself have all noticed disturbing behavior from this person. Seriously psychopathic - torturing animals, etc. I don't think it is smart for GEM to spend much time with new guy, but I have already voiced my opinions on that. GEM loves true crime almost as much as shinies, so there is a huge appeal in being close to someone who may truly have the capacity for serial killer like problems. I am not being overly dramatic here.
I suppose I could be the adult here and just call GEM, but I am hesitating and I am not sure why. Rejection? Maybe. Probably.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Catching up
In no particular order, here are some recent things from my life:
1. The Woo is curled up next to the keyboard, snoozing and purring. His eyes are scrunched up and his floofy feet will sometimes stretch out to make starfishy paws. Other times, he will roll over with his belly exposed, completely trusting and witout a care in his head, of which I am jealous. I adore this cat to no end.
2. I watched "Rachels Getting Married" off of Movies On Demand. Loved it, but I am a little sick of movie perfect familes. So this family wasn't perfect, but all of their combined friends and family were.
3. Bought an FM transmittery thing for the new car, whom I am currently referring to as "Miss Pretty", so I can plug in my iPod. Icanhastunage?
4. Went in to work Saturday thinking I could get things done - two of my coworkers were there, one with her daughter. I left after only an hour and a half. My point was to get things done ALONE. Plus, I am of the opinion that if those two spent less time during their regular day yapping and texting, they wouldn't need to come in extra...
5. So a couple of weeks ago, S. came to me and said that he didn't want to lose me forever, that he had been wrong about a lot of things and was ready and willing to make changes, whatever it took to get me back. So I guess we are together, but I am REALLY not sure that this is a) what I want, b) going to work, and c) even possible given our history. I alternate between being cautious and then being concerned that I am overthinking things by being too cautious. My brain is a scary little place.
6. I am thinking about dropping my bookclub. We all take turns picking boooks, and lately they have sucked. The Christmas Sweater was a book that I was embarrased to have been sen reading, and it was such a horrible schmaltzy book to pick for a book club. No great plot lines, no character development, just dreck. Next book on deck is something by Jodi Picoult. Nothing against the book yet, as I haven't started reading it, but this author falls under chick-lit to me. I want a little something else out of a book club. The former club I was in discussed "real" books - The Handmaidens Tale, Middlesex, The Kite Runner, etc. Books of substance. Maybe I will try and draft my own club?
7. S. would like to move to Florida. His father has a house there that we used for a vacation once. Not much, but it would be our own house, in a quiet place and with very cheap rent. What's the problem, you ask? Florida. The bug capital of the world. There is a creek behind the house, which horseshoes out to a bay. The Bay? IDK. Anyway, the place is rife with things that have too many legs. And I have issues with just hosing down the place with chemicals every month. Can't be good for me or the cats. But the rent would be less than half of what we are paying now, which would allow quicker pay off of MissPretty, and there is a college very nearby so I could finally use my scary little brain. Of course, S. and I are still in a honeymoon phase, where everything is going smoothly, but in 6 weeks or 6 months...? Also, S. has been back over the road for 3-7 days at a time, so living together full time may not even work.
8. Last week, S. and I drove MissPretty over to his moms house to take her to dinner. She needs help - that's for another post though. So while we were there I checked the mail and discovered a package. I didn't remember ordering anything recelty from Amazon, but it was a possibility....turned out to be a package of jewelry from GEM. The man is entirely too generous. 3 pairs of silver and gemstone earrings, 2 necklaces and a beautiful delicate amethyst bracelet. Presents form myself are great, but random gifts form friends totally rock. I need to finish a cross stitch present for him soon. I did mail a package last week for GG, Greg and GEM, so I am not slacking on my end.
That's all for now. It is 7:20 and I have not slept well the past week or so, so I am going to take a double dose of the sleeping meds and conk out.
1. The Woo is curled up next to the keyboard, snoozing and purring. His eyes are scrunched up and his floofy feet will sometimes stretch out to make starfishy paws. Other times, he will roll over with his belly exposed, completely trusting and witout a care in his head, of which I am jealous. I adore this cat to no end.
2. I watched "Rachels Getting Married" off of Movies On Demand. Loved it, but I am a little sick of movie perfect familes. So this family wasn't perfect, but all of their combined friends and family were.
3. Bought an FM transmittery thing for the new car, whom I am currently referring to as "Miss Pretty", so I can plug in my iPod. Icanhastunage?
4. Went in to work Saturday thinking I could get things done - two of my coworkers were there, one with her daughter. I left after only an hour and a half. My point was to get things done ALONE. Plus, I am of the opinion that if those two spent less time during their regular day yapping and texting, they wouldn't need to come in extra...
5. So a couple of weeks ago, S. came to me and said that he didn't want to lose me forever, that he had been wrong about a lot of things and was ready and willing to make changes, whatever it took to get me back. So I guess we are together, but I am REALLY not sure that this is a) what I want, b) going to work, and c) even possible given our history. I alternate between being cautious and then being concerned that I am overthinking things by being too cautious. My brain is a scary little place.
6. I am thinking about dropping my bookclub. We all take turns picking boooks, and lately they have sucked. The Christmas Sweater was a book that I was embarrased to have been sen reading, and it was such a horrible schmaltzy book to pick for a book club. No great plot lines, no character development, just dreck. Next book on deck is something by Jodi Picoult. Nothing against the book yet, as I haven't started reading it, but this author falls under chick-lit to me. I want a little something else out of a book club. The former club I was in discussed "real" books - The Handmaidens Tale, Middlesex, The Kite Runner, etc. Books of substance. Maybe I will try and draft my own club?
7. S. would like to move to Florida. His father has a house there that we used for a vacation once. Not much, but it would be our own house, in a quiet place and with very cheap rent. What's the problem, you ask? Florida. The bug capital of the world. There is a creek behind the house, which horseshoes out to a bay. The Bay? IDK. Anyway, the place is rife with things that have too many legs. And I have issues with just hosing down the place with chemicals every month. Can't be good for me or the cats. But the rent would be less than half of what we are paying now, which would allow quicker pay off of MissPretty, and there is a college very nearby so I could finally use my scary little brain. Of course, S. and I are still in a honeymoon phase, where everything is going smoothly, but in 6 weeks or 6 months...? Also, S. has been back over the road for 3-7 days at a time, so living together full time may not even work.
8. Last week, S. and I drove MissPretty over to his moms house to take her to dinner. She needs help - that's for another post though. So while we were there I checked the mail and discovered a package. I didn't remember ordering anything recelty from Amazon, but it was a possibility....turned out to be a package of jewelry from GEM. The man is entirely too generous. 3 pairs of silver and gemstone earrings, 2 necklaces and a beautiful delicate amethyst bracelet. Presents form myself are great, but random gifts form friends totally rock. I need to finish a cross stitch present for him soon. I did mail a package last week for GG, Greg and GEM, so I am not slacking on my end.
That's all for now. It is 7:20 and I have not slept well the past week or so, so I am going to take a double dose of the sleeping meds and conk out.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
MY! NEW! CAR!
So last Thursday, the fomer MariaMobile died. It was a 1990 Camry that I had owned for 13 years and I loved it. Lot of history in that car. Three states, several jobs, uncounted nervous breakdowns - that car saw me through all of it and always worked. I will miss the Camry. I cleaned it out today at the garage it was towed to. The TOYOTA CAMRY thing from the back side of the car was pried off and I will hang on to it.
There is a lot more to this car though. This car was a major component in why I do not have a relationship with my parents. In 1996, I killed the first ever MariaMobile by not putting oil in it. For 2 years. Yeah, I know..... In my defense, no one ever really schooled me in the basics of car maintainence. I DID periodically put oil in it. When the oil light would come on, I would drive to WalMart, buy a bottle and put half of it in. How it lasted 2 years like that is a miracle.
So, the first MariaMobile died a violent horrible death due to overheating and cracking the engine block. I am very lucky though, the car very possibly could have exploded while I was driving it.
So, I was living on my own, working at an animal hospital 30 hours a week for less than 7 bucks an hour, could not afford a replacement and had no credit. I was also living with an undiagnosed case of major depression. My parents paid for the Camry with the understanding that I would pay them back for 4 grand. And I tried. I took a second job at Taco Bell (ugh). Then I was hospitalized for a week - depressions a bitch, y'all, and lost my job. I don't think I was actually suicidal at that point, but the facts were that I worked at an animal hospital, had access to euthaniasia drugs and the knowledge of how to start an IV. I was considered to be risky to say the least.
Job loss plus hospital bill did not help the depression and things spiraled way out of control, including my first eviction. Contact from the parents stopped, and I was too embarassed and ashamed to ask for more help. I did become close to my cousin Missy, who provided endless hours of phone therapy - most of it collect calls. Thank you Missy! Through her, I learned that there is an extreme family history of depression. My grandmother apparently even tried to commit suicide while pregnant with my mother by jumping in front of a subway, but a "good samaritan" "saved" her..... thus allowing the crazy to go on another generation.
My personal situation gradually improved, with some fluctuations here and there, but the relationship with my parents was broken. I kept in touch with my father for a while, calling him at work sometimes, but never getting calls from him. It has been 8 years since i have spoken to him, and 12 since I have talked to my mother.
So, the loss of the Camry was a big emotional whirlwind for me. The car had served me well for 13 years and I am thankful for it.
My new car is a lovely 2001 Volvo. I adore it. It has butt-warmers, sun and moon roof (those crazy Swedes!), buttons galore, and even the little windshield wipers for the headlights. I am proud that my credit and downpayment allowed to me to buy such a wonderful car. I will be paying on it for some time, but I think I can handle it. It is bittersweet though.
Also? Hello Charlie! Thank you for reminding me about my blog neglect!
There is a lot more to this car though. This car was a major component in why I do not have a relationship with my parents. In 1996, I killed the first ever MariaMobile by not putting oil in it. For 2 years. Yeah, I know..... In my defense, no one ever really schooled me in the basics of car maintainence. I DID periodically put oil in it. When the oil light would come on, I would drive to WalMart, buy a bottle and put half of it in. How it lasted 2 years like that is a miracle.
So, the first MariaMobile died a violent horrible death due to overheating and cracking the engine block. I am very lucky though, the car very possibly could have exploded while I was driving it.
So, I was living on my own, working at an animal hospital 30 hours a week for less than 7 bucks an hour, could not afford a replacement and had no credit. I was also living with an undiagnosed case of major depression. My parents paid for the Camry with the understanding that I would pay them back for 4 grand. And I tried. I took a second job at Taco Bell (ugh). Then I was hospitalized for a week - depressions a bitch, y'all, and lost my job. I don't think I was actually suicidal at that point, but the facts were that I worked at an animal hospital, had access to euthaniasia drugs and the knowledge of how to start an IV. I was considered to be risky to say the least.
Job loss plus hospital bill did not help the depression and things spiraled way out of control, including my first eviction. Contact from the parents stopped, and I was too embarassed and ashamed to ask for more help. I did become close to my cousin Missy, who provided endless hours of phone therapy - most of it collect calls. Thank you Missy! Through her, I learned that there is an extreme family history of depression. My grandmother apparently even tried to commit suicide while pregnant with my mother by jumping in front of a subway, but a "good samaritan" "saved" her..... thus allowing the crazy to go on another generation.
My personal situation gradually improved, with some fluctuations here and there, but the relationship with my parents was broken. I kept in touch with my father for a while, calling him at work sometimes, but never getting calls from him. It has been 8 years since i have spoken to him, and 12 since I have talked to my mother.
So, the loss of the Camry was a big emotional whirlwind for me. The car had served me well for 13 years and I am thankful for it.
My new car is a lovely 2001 Volvo. I adore it. It has butt-warmers, sun and moon roof (those crazy Swedes!), buttons galore, and even the little windshield wipers for the headlights. I am proud that my credit and downpayment allowed to me to buy such a wonderful car. I will be paying on it for some time, but I think I can handle it. It is bittersweet though.
Also? Hello Charlie! Thank you for reminding me about my blog neglect!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I quit
I think I am going to quit my day job tomorrow. I am just unhappy. I don't blog, don't sleep well, and am just generally overstressed because of this job. More as events unfold.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Toilet paper is more absorbent than paper towels
I know this because I tested the theory at work today. I work in an office with 5 women. Yet somehow I am always the one who always has to change the TP or PT's because someone else left the last shreds of a square on the roll. So today, there was a new roll of TP, but only half a paper towel on the roll. So I used the TP to dry my hands and force the next person to change the paper towel. And what did I learn? The TP dried my hands quicker, but the tendency to shred will make it a last ditch option.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
NaBloPoMo
So this is it. With this post I have completed the challeneg, but I am not particularily proud of it. I haven't posted anything other than work crap, money crap, and other boring crap. And I am sort of relieved that it is over.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
WTF
Someone broke into my best friends house today. 2 guns and a LOT of jewelry were taken,but all the pets are ok,and most of all, GEM is safe. GEM thinks he knows who did it, since a neighbor saw a strange car in his driveway and fingerprints were taken. I am angry and upset that someone so close to me was robbed, and feel very distraught that GEM has to go through this - I know he is feeling angry, vulnerable and invaded, and I am several states away and unable to help.
Last week, three of his goats died, in a strange way, and I really hope this is not related.
Last week, three of his goats died, in a strange way, and I really hope this is not related.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Friday night
Today wasgood. Islept in again until almost 10,went to the used bookstore,took the cats to the vet for vaccinations, washed and ironed my scrubs for work next week. So far so good, but I really don't feel like working tonight.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Am I depressed?
I napped today for 5 hours, and it is bothering me. Did I sleep because I just needed to relax for a while? Or did I sleep so long because I am really getting depressed again? Am I worrying over nothing or is there need for concern?
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
it is a sad day
Today I am getting the box for Camilles ashes. It is a pretty mahoghany box with a picture frame in the lid, and I am happy to have a nice container to put her remains in but I am remebering her and the final appointment at the vet and I am as sad as I was on the day she died.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Thanksgiving Day Eve
OMG - I anm so happy that I just have to get through ONE MORE DAY and then I have some time off. I am training a new person at work, the disctrict and regional important people were there, plus I had a ton of end of the month stuf to do. But I got through it all and kept smiling and I just have to go through 8 little more hours....
Monday, November 24, 2008
more changes
I have lost over 24 pounds in the last 6 months. Yay me and yay giving up dairy and going vegan! I also don't get heartburn anymore, but still have heartache sometimes!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)