Out of sorts

I feel strange. I have been trying to do some cleaning and organizing everyday, and I feel good about that. But in most other areas of my life I just don't feel on track. I am reading a book by Deepak Chopra on sleeping, and one of the ideas in it is that people can often not sleep well because they are unhappy with their life and have unfinished things to do. I guess this is sort of like haunting before you are dead, but it seems to feel right to me. I have had insomnia issues for over 10 years, and I have felt like I am not on a very steady or successful path for that length of time.

S. continues to think that we are working on getting back together and forming a better relationship, but the more I look on it, we are on two parallell paths, and not working together for the same goals. I honestly don't think he has any. I am kind of hoping he doesn't call tonight, because I may pick a fight if he does. If he calls, and if I pick the fight, it will be over this: He does not see the need in his life for more friends. He has about three people he considerd friends - two brithers and the exwife of one of them. Just to clarify, I don't like any of them. BUT, my idea on life is to have the largest core group of people who genuinely care for you and vice versa as you can handle. I have a fairly small circle of friends who I consider family, but I would love to meet more.

I don't understand why anyone would ever just state that they have no intention on ever making any new friends again. And that is all just part of a whole long list of life philosophies that we do not agree on.

Maybe it is just that I am really 'coming into myself' right now and working very hard to achieve certain goals that makes me feel so bothered by the fact that he is not. Or maybe it is that I am really discovering that even though I have invested 4 years of my life, maybe it is time to just reflect on what I have learned and move on.

Today is also the one month anniversary of Iggie dying. I still miss him. Today at work, a co worker had popcorn. Iggie would eat popcorn. If I had a bowl, he would come and sit by me and wait for a handout; I would pick up a single piece and show it to him, and place it back in the bowl. Iggie would watch very carefully and then pick out that same piece by himself to eat. I t is hard to think that he is not here anymore. Camille, one of the other cats is 14. They were some of the more tangible ways I have and had of remembering back to when I lived in Lancaster, PA, and my 20's. I love Edgar and Biki, but Camille and Iggie are and were just special to me in a different way.

Tomorrow, I am going to S.'s mothers house, which is my official mailing address. I am looking forward to a special valentines card from GEM, who always manages to stick something interesting in the envelope - a list of sex tips from a very strange magazine, personal ads fromo prisoners, various snarky articles on celebrities, stickers, what have you. Never the same thing twice and never anything that could be considered normal!

Work continues to bore me. I feel ready to go forward and begin working my whole normal schedule - this training is just dragging on and on and at this point the only thing I need is to be more familiar with the accounts, which I will only get by working with them. Also, as soon as I have an established work routine I can begin looking for another job. I am frustrated because I am really raring to go forward and I am being held back, and not just at work. Oh well. I will get a paycheck this week, and that is good.